Not a Fan
by Jen Hatmaker on September 3rd, 2012

My friend Doug once described me in an article he wrote like this:

“Imagine if George Carlin and Beth Moore had a kid…”

The ease with which deep, important spiritual ideas cohabitate with absolute drivel in my brain space is probably disturbing. I crave comedy and laughter so viscerally, that when my thoughts have hung out in the deep end too long, I physically ache to watch a Will Ferrell movie.
I don't know which is funnier: The perfect comedic timing of calling Will Ferrell "Sporty Spice" or bowing up on this tiny woman. Consequently, I say "ARE WE DOING THIS?" to my kids constantly.


So after the last few For Real Blogs about basements and adoption and life-changing books, the drivel is begging to be penned. It needs a voice. It says, “Hey there, Mrs. Important Topics. We matter too. We are legit. You know you’re thinking us, so give us our just due in print.”

So I was thinking, my Beth Moore side is often disturbed by true injustices, like human trafficking and self-righteousness and greed. But my George Carlin side has a bone to pick with some stuff, too. In no particular order, what follows are some grievances I have with the universe, for these are the things in which I am…NOT A FAN.

1. Party favors…not a fan.

Okay, listen, I am not a party mom. I’m just not. First of all, I have five kids. Second of all, four of their birthdays are one-two-three-four in rapid succession. Third, I’m not a detail person and I’ve been trying to tell you people this for some time. For instance, I jammed my youngest two sons birthdays into one party (veteran move) scheduled for this Saturday, September 8th: Caleb’s actual birthday was June 4th and Ben’s was August 7th. You picking up what I’m laying down here?

So it’s a bloody miracle I’m giving any of their little friends something to come to at all. If there is cake and an activity, I feel like I should be nominated for an award. Why do we have to give prizes for coming to a party? You got to have fun and I paid for it. That’s your prize. I once omitted party favors for one of Gavin’s birthdays, and a boy came up to me as he was leaving and asked, “Where is my present?” and I said, “I’ll give you one on your birthday, kid.”

I have friends who go so over-the-top on kids’ birthdays, I’m talking about from the time they are 1-year-old, that I often marvel we are friends. My girlfriend Christi did a whole sushi party for her 3-year-old daughter complete with kimonos, bento boxes, hand-rolled sushi, and Japanese CD’s. I just lost consciousness typing that sentence.

2. Shredding cheese…not a fan.

Some people hate war. Others hate politics. I hate shredding cheese. Of course, it must be done, because the waxy preshredded bags of cheese just won’t do. I can’t explain it, but when the recipe calls for cheese, I just despair. The process of grating the block of cheddar over the shredder until I develop Muppet Arm has literally caused me to abandon a recipe in midstream. It’s an irrational aversion and I DON’T CARE BLAH BLAH BLAH YOU CAN’T FIX ME.

The downside of being a pretentious ingredient snob is that you must shred your own cheese, proof your own dough, blend your own sauces, and hand-batter your own okra. It’s a mess. Your kitchen always looks like a frat house. Every recipe takes approximately ten times longer. You end up saying pompous things like, “Grocery store tomatoes are not 1/100th the quality of my Cherokee Purples in the backyard.” This actually makes people hate you, like when you complain about shredding cheese and someone says just buy the preshredded bag and you call it waxy and unacceptable and they are like I kind of wish you were dead.

3. Hot tubs…not a fan.

This is especially tragic because my hubs would spend 16 hours a day in a hot tub if he could. The first time I went to Brandon’s house in Colorado after dating a few months, he made the casual suggestion that we head to the hot tub one night (veteran move). While he clearly had making out on his mind, I was entertaining a different mental thread: how to not puke. Reaching my threshold, my peripheral vision started shutting down and his face became a pinpointed, prickly, spotted mass of light. The next thing I knew, I was face down on the cold tile half-passed out, which as anyone can imagine, is super sexy. You like this, Boyfriend? There’s more where this came from, you lucky man.

My core temp simply cannot be raised. This is devastating, because now I’ll never star in The Bachelor.

4. Talking on airplanes…not a fan.

I know. You had the most amazing conversation of your life on a plane once. Your seatmate ended up converting to Christianity and now he is a missionary in Peru. And once? You sat next to a girl who turned out to be your long lost identical twin. What are the odds?

Let me explain what a plane ride is to me: FREE TIME. I’ve downloaded or packed at least two books for this. I might even have a People magazine to get caught up on my news. If you look closely, you’ll see not one child in tow. I am going to sit there for two or four hours, and not one person will ask me to tie their skates or cut up a peach or count how many days till her “birfday” (149). It’s like a vacation and while, yes, sad and pathetic, this is my life and that’s the end of it. Have I ever put headphones on and acted like I was listening to music so I didn’t have to talk? Maybe.

(Disclaimer: If I breach this rule, I go big. Idle chitchat is not my medium. The last couple I talked to on a plane were flying to Austin for their first ever visit before moving here, and by the time we deplaned, they had a list of 12 restaurants, 10 notable excursions, 15 must-see spots, 3 potential pediatricians, and my phone number. Bless them. I’m sure they were terrified. I completely ignore you or over-love you. I have no middle lane.)

5. Signing kids’ folders…not a fan.

Not only is this daily, every kid is different. Sign here for my daily behavior, here for my homework, here for my reading minutes, here for next week’s assignments. This one is once a week, this one is every day, this one is only if the behavior chart is signed, this one is only if your apple got moved.

YOU FORGOT TO SIGN MY CHART AND I HAD TO MISS TEN MINUTES OF REEEEEECEEEEESS!!! YOU SIGNED MY READING MINUTES BUT NOT MY BEHAVIOR CHART AND I HAD TO MOVE MY CARD TO YEEEELLOOOOW LIIIIIGHT!!

You want to know what is awesome sauce? Middle school. The teachers virtually never communicate with parents. No homework folders. No reading minutes. No 459 pieces of paper in every Friday Folder. They are like, “Play time is over, kiddies. Do your homework or flunk out. What do we care? Mommy can’t bail you out anymore, chumps.” If you’ve been paying attention, I subscribe to the same sink-or-swim philosophy in this house, so I’m buyin’ what they’re sellin’.

(Dear Elementary Teachers, you KNOW I’d take a bullet straight through my brain for you, but the paperwork/correspondence occasionally makes me consider homeschooling.) (This is a bold-faced lie.) (Never leave me, Elm Grove Elementary staff, oh my gosh.)


George Carlin Jen has spoken, and she is not a fan of party favors, shredding cheese, hot tubs, talking on planes, and signing kids’ folders. It’s a hard-knock life for my inner GC, clearly. Someone put me on your prayer chain.


How about you? What first-world problems does your inner George have a gripe with? (Not world hunger and orphan stuff, but ketchup that squirts out too fast and Blu-tooth stuff.)



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333 Comments
displaying most recent 100 comments

Kristen - September 4th, 2012 at 1:43 PM
Wen ppl text bac ansers lik dis. R u kiddin me?
Nancy D - September 4th, 2012 at 1:45 PM
Photos that show the arm of the subject of the photo, which is attached to the phone they are using to take a picture of themselves. Not a fan. I always think, why are you taking a picture of yourself? Why? The phone/camera is only arms length away so you never get any kind of background it in that tells me where you are, plus you look just like you did in the last self portrait you snapped and posted a couple of days ago. Why? Why? Why?
Ashley B - September 4th, 2012 at 1:58 PM
You ready? Showers...as in the bridal/baby kind...even my own. My last one was great. We met at a restaurant, had lunch, & I got gifts. Yes, I know...RUDE! I hate the games & punch makes me want to well, punch someone!

Party favors. I do them, but I hate & refuse to fill bags with cheap plastic crap & candy. The party favors for my daughter's party were Strawberry Shortcake coloring books.

People who put dirty dishes in the sink after I have finished cleaning the kitchen. Wash your own dang dish!
stephanie - September 4th, 2012 at 2:39 PM
oh amen to that! annoys me to no end after i unload the dishwasher and clean the kitchen to come back and find dishes on the counter! also clothes on the floor after ive just cleaned the bedroom. i know that there may be clothes on the floor and dishes on the counter every other day of the week, but I decided to clean today so you better be dang sure to keep it clean!
Kristina - September 4th, 2012 at 2:07 PM
Co-workers asking me about what I'm having for lunch. Not a fan. I don't peer over your desk to see what you're eating, so please don't peer over at mine. When I bring my lunch from the microwave down the hall and into my office, please do not follow me into my office by asking me what I'm having. And do not even begin to remark about how it smells. Good or bad, I'm eating it. I don't care that you bring tofo and curry each day so leave my leftover pulled pork, spaghetti, or crockpot salsa chicken alone. You might as well just pull up a chair and grab a fork. Good grief.
Shaela - September 4th, 2012 at 2:14 PM
Constant Facebook updates about the workout of the day/injury from the workout of the day... NOT A FAN!

Misuse of your/you're... NOT A FAN! Your is possessive and you're is a contraction. Surely your (notice the possessive) educational system (be it private, public or homeschool) did not fail you that badly!

PS. I love Will Farrell. Have you seen his bad doctor skit? Hilarious!!
Hannah Crain - September 4th, 2012 at 2:14 PM
I thought I'd share our text message conversation:
Jess: Please at some point today read Jen Hatmaker's latest post, unless you're driving...Then call me and I'll read it to you. Very funny!
Me: Read it last night and tried to comment that i hate peeling potatoes #notafan, she is my hero.

We love you.
Melinda - September 4th, 2012 at 2:30 PM
Shower games. Shoot me now.

Libby T - September 4th, 2012 at 2:32 PM
Trimming the nasty stuff from raw chicken filets. I LOVE TO COOK but that one gets me every time. I am very much enjoying your book 7. It is impacting my life more than you know. My husband actually offered to build a REAL enclosure for a compost pile instead of just a dump site where local animals can eat at their leisure. Keep writing Jen. You thoughts are wonderful. Thank you for sharing them.
Ann - September 4th, 2012 at 2:37 PM
Adults who use text lingo in conversation, ie. "I'll be there. Totes." or "b-t-dub, I'll bring dinner tonight" (by the way). #notafan
Children screaming in play places at McD's. #notafan
Ringtones. #notafan
Bryony - September 4th, 2012 at 2:38 PM
Not a fan of people telling their children's age in months..."My daughter is 68 1/2 months." You could just say, "She's FIVE!"
Gianna - September 4th, 2012 at 3:00 PM
(Dear Elementary Teachers, you KNOW I%u2019d take a bullet straight through my brain for you, but the paperwork/correspondence occasionally makes me consider homeschooling.) (This is a bold-faced lie.) (Never leave me, Elm Grove Elementary staff, oh my gosh.)

Can I just say that after our school's Meet the Teacher Day, I said, "this is as bad as HOMESCHOOLING!" Because of the papers!
I was going to go insane! And school hadn't even started yet!
Stacy - September 4th, 2012 at 3:04 PM
Giada saying the word: Moot-za-rella. Pu-leeze.
Anne-Marie - September 4th, 2012 at 3:25 PM
So thankful to hear that someone besides myself hates thank you notes. I know you wrote it and sent it to me more out of obligation than gratitude so stop it already! (I've secretly thought I might burn in hell for my attitude on this)

I hate eating with women who only eat salads and talk nonstop about what is fattening/healthy blah blah blah. It makes me want to order the most fattening item on the menu.

Women who tell me they want to give me a makeover (I don't wear makeup). I'll let you do that just as soon as you let me wash the war paint off your face, okay?

Shopping. I hate it. Period.

People complaining about game requests on FB. You have a block that app so use it. I am not going to stop playing games just because others don't know how to block them and I sure cannot read your mind to know if you like games or not. Deal with it.

Thanks for giving me a place to vent!
Jamie - September 4th, 2012 at 3:30 PM
I am not your "sweetheart", your "dear" or your "Hon". I do not remember dating you, giving birth to you or you giving birth to me. So do not call me those terms of endearment.
Courtney - September 4th, 2012 at 4:06 PM
Thank you for fulfilling my deep need for humor and laughter today. This made my day. Especially the bit about air planes. Agreed! I always pack an obscene amount of books on trips and by golly, I plan on getting through at least half of them! Don't. bug. me. That includes you dearest husband.

Also on my list: People who double park. Not a fan.
Megan - September 4th, 2012 at 4:17 PM
My weekend was insane. My oldest child broke his elbow at recess on Friday. We spent all day Friday & Saturday at Children's Hospital in Cincinnati getting him fixed up. Then on Monday my middle child crushed his toe (a TV tray fell on it). We spent Monday at Children's with him. I needed a laugh in the worst of ways. Thank you for providing. I loved your pet peeves. Especially the talking on an airplane. Well said! My pet peeve list is long, but at this moment I just needed to be entertained. Thanks for sharing!!
Angela R. - September 4th, 2012 at 4:19 PM
Party Favors! Yes! I am with you, girl! I am SO not a detail person, either. I think it's why my husband and I don't take vacations, neither of us know how to plan them (oh, and the money thing, but whatever). What's scary is I'm trying to homeschool our children - and I CAN'T plan it - pray for me.

What I hate - the combo of red and brown together. Reminds me of puke. Can't. Stand. It.
People who don't put salt on the table. I'm sure your cooking is perfect and your cholesterol is outstanding - please pass the Sodium Chloride. The post office - WHY is there no such thing as a drive-thru post office?! Seriously. I have three kids in my car, please don't make me unbuckle them all so I can ship my $2 package. Or at least be open late enough so I can go when my husband gets off work. Please and thank you.
Mags the Wonder Squirrrel - September 4th, 2012 at 4:38 PM
Oh my word. Number five! We ARE separated at birth Continental Flight 755. I am sitting next to a stack of stuff I have to sign and it makes me want to tear my hair out. Every week this will happen. Sometimes nightly. He read the book. Maybe he didn't take his word for it. Or not. I know what you are trying to do, but Jeez E. Pete.
Wendy G - September 4th, 2012 at 5:03 PM
Not a fan of people or businesses using the letter "K" for "C" in order to (I'm guessing?) be cute. "Kathy's Kakes" or "Kid's Klub". Just kills me.
Susan - September 5th, 2012 at 10:57 AM
Krispy Kreme's too ;)
Tess - September 4th, 2012 at 6:30 PM
De-boning chicken.
Melody - September 4th, 2012 at 6:44 PM
Going to the dentist. I swear my hygienist is holding a grudge against me for not flossing (ever...). Every time I go, I know she stabs my gums on purpose to get revenge. I hate it.
Rebecca Boganwright - September 4th, 2012 at 7:09 PM
When people say 'heighth.' Come on, educated peeps, there is no H at the end of height.

Unloading the dishwasher. I'll load it fine, it's the reverse that makes me want to slit my wrist (too dramatic?)

When drivers leave too big a space between cars on a left-hand light turn. The rest of us gotta make the light too. Stay on that person's tail in front of you!

That's all I got for right now
Kylie Toone - September 4th, 2012 at 7:29 PM
Loud airport talker! They make it a point to talk sooo loudly on their cell phone so as to share their profound knowledge. Like the 20 something the other day who made it a point to practically shout- "so I had this huge revelation the other day. You can't get everything you need relationally from one person. You have to have different people in your life for different things.". As if he discovered Pluto and wanted everyone to know how brilliant he is. I wanted to hand him the airline phone and say "here ya go buddy. Say that again for the entire airport to hear your discovery. We all knew that when we were 15.". Ugh. Talk quieter people. The airport and plane rides are to relax. Duh.
Tricia - September 4th, 2012 at 7:39 PM
All that you said but hot tubs....and I do the pre-grated cheese thing. Snacks and drinks for after games - we should all bring a water bottle and our own darn snacks if our kids really need it!
Amy - September 4th, 2012 at 7:41 PM
I also hate hot tubs. My husband also loves them. For me though, it's more of a I've-just-taken-a-20-minute-bath-but-now-I'm-covered-in-chlorine-so-I-have-to-take-a-shower problem.

LRC - September 4th, 2012 at 7:43 PM
Oh my. I am sitting at my computer bracing for a long night of heavy brain stuff, both spiritual AND my-kid-is-back-in-school stuff, and the TRIVIAL side of me is begging me to watch a mind-numbing movie. So seeing your post tonight was perfect.
Not a fan? Topping my list would be: when a single wispy hair is trapped somewhere in the front of my shirt dangling over my cleavage and feeling like a spider, and there is NO appropriate place to shove my hand down there and get some relief! This always happens at the worst times, and it is impossible to ignore. How does it feel so much like a spider???
Jo - September 4th, 2012 at 8:21 PM
I have seven beautiful children, three of which are adopted from China. I HATE it when people ask me ( in front of the little girls, of course) "Which ones are yours?" I always reply, "All of them" because they all are. Unfortunately, MANY people go on to ask the rediculous follow up...."No, I mean which ones are REALLY yours??" ALL OF THEM!!!!!
Very bad question to ask an adoptive mom!
Debbie - September 4th, 2012 at 8:34 PM
Not a fan of wal-martians. You know the weird people at wal-mart...In line the other day behind a guy (thankfully couponless) who had a dead snake on his hat and a six shooter on his hip. We are in the south and it is legal to go to walmart with a gun by the way. He leaves and gets into a hairy truck covered in dead animals such as boars, bears and who knows what else. Def not a fan!! If you look up people of walmart I'm sure you would find this guy. At least he was dressed.
Amy - September 4th, 2012 at 9:27 PM
ALL. OF. IT!!! & I just signed a homework folder after tracking down the 5 sheets of paper scattered throughout the house!
Melissa - September 4th, 2012 at 10:03 PM
I'm not a fan of the moment when you're reading the most hilarious blog post and you start crying so hard that your mascara is blinding you to the point that you have to feel your way from the couch to the bathroom to heal thyself. Darn you Cover Girl. You can't hang with the "not a fan" post.
Deanne - September 4th, 2012 at 10:20 PM
Uh yeah we have four kids......18, 15, 8, and 2. The 8 year olds birthday was May 8th. All the cups, plates, and napkins with the cute army theme are purchased and have been in the cabinet for months. We are still planning the backyard army party.
Carissa - September 4th, 2012 at 10:57 PM
People who leave their sick kids in church nursery....seriously, stay at home. Because that's where I'll be with my own sick kid if you don't. Only my kid gets sick and stays sick for weeks (due to a medical condition). Nasty green boogery noses don't pop up in the 2 hours you are at church.

The neighbor kid who won't quit. I am home alone with 4 kids (hubby is in the military and has been gone for 2 months, and we're only half way done...) and you send your kid to my house to play? I do enjoy her company, but not every. single. day.

The cars who see the lane is closed at 1000 ft (because there is a dang sign posted that says so) and decide to go to the 999 ft mark in that lane to try to bypass traffic and then wants to be let in. HECK NO!! I will not let you in! Go back to kindergarten and learn to take turns!

Andrea - September 4th, 2012 at 11:23 PM
When you make a doctors appointment and then they call you two days before and say "please call us back to confirm the appointment." Ugh! When I scheduled it, that was me saying I would be there!
Bev - September 5th, 2012 at 12:10 AM
I've actually switched dentists because of this. I had no problem with the reminder call, but you need me to call you back to confirm that I got the reminder? No thanks.
Bethany - September 11th, 2012 at 4:02 PM
How the dentist office calls me on Wednesday to confirm my Friday appointment, and then how I say, YES I will be there, please don't call me back tomorrow too. But they do call me back on Thursday to confirm my Friday appointment AGAIN (because obviously people who schedule dental appointments are all imbeciles), only this time they mumble a totally different time on my answering machine and then act surprised when I call... It's been scheduled for a month people!

September Wse - September 5th, 2012 at 12:04 AM
1) Irresponsible people who fail to buckle their small children in car seats. Yes, I know... When I was a kid I sat in my Dad's lap and "helped him drive." That was then... Now we have these great little contraptions called car seats that keep little people from being projectile objects in the event of a sudden stop or accident. I have - and absolutely would do it again - call 911 to report your ignorance, along with your license plate and car description.

2) Stacked dishes in the sink or counter when the dishwasher is completely empty. Hello... Just open the door and you will see plenty or room for your dirty items.
Mary - September 5th, 2012 at 9:14 AM
Not a fan of people driving slow in the left lane. THAT'S THE FAST LANE PEOPLE. Oh and when 18-wheelers try to pass in the left lane and a long line of cars form behind him as he takes approximately 15 minutes to get 2 feet in front of another 18-wheeler? Just what is he trying to accomplish there? Yeah... not a fan.

I also totally agree with you about the airplane talking thing. I know I should view every plane ride as an opportunity to get deep with whoever's sitting next to me, but I hate traveling so much that all's I really want to do is nap without my mouth hanging open and drool coming out. First world probz, people.
Susan - September 5th, 2012 at 10:00 AM
Not a fan of gas stations who let their receipt tape at the pump run out and don't replace it. When I choose "pay at the pump" and "Yes, I would like a receipt", it's a real bummer to have a screen pop up that says, "please pick up your receipt inside". After a day of really nothing going my way...yes, I realize that sounded totally selfish, but I'm talking pms and automated phone calls that ended with a dead line, I gave the gas station gal too much attitude and then had to be pinched by the Holy Spirit to repent. If there just would have been receipt paper at the pump! ;)
Sharon Fuller - September 5th, 2012 at 2:23 PM
I can't stand holding conversations in the ladies room. Don't talk to me, just pretend there is no one else there. Do your business and then WASH YOUR HANDS and leave. (Speaking of that: Have you ever been in the bathroom and hear someone flush and then leave before you get out but they didn't wash their hands? Then, you are all paranoid because that means that there is someone out there at church who doesn't wash their hands after they go to the bathroom. ICK!)
Name - September 5th, 2012 at 3:40 PM
I think I just wet my pants laughing...and that I need you to be my new best friend. Currently reading 7...and completely obsessed with the entire notion, and your authentic self-deprication is pure delight. KP in ATL
Simone @Greatfun4kids - September 5th, 2012 at 5:22 PM
Oh hilarious. Jen Hatmaker how have I not heard of you yet? I am going to go kiss the blogger who just recommended you to me. I've added you to my favourites reads bloglist. Straight to the elite group for you. Now I know you are way too busy to reply to this comments, seeing as it's your 243rd on this post, but i just had to tell you that you just gained your newest fan from Auckland New Zealand. Best thing I've read in WEEKS. Maybe months. Maybe Years. I love you already. You are my kind of mama/Christian/writer. Flippin hilarious and oh-so-real.
xx

(PS This in spite of the fact that I LOVE kids parties - but I only have THREE kids and I managed to space them out, quite by accident, at even four month intervals throughout the year - but I hear ya on the sushi party, I do!)

Jeanne - September 5th, 2012 at 8:19 PM
Just had to add my two cents - totally a first world problem, but 3 course bedtime snacks are the death of me! And I heartily agree with the party favors rant!
Joy - September 5th, 2012 at 9:09 PM
Does it bother anyone that people put pictures of the kids in the space that is supposed to be their own profile picture?
Becca - September 8th, 2012 at 2:43 PM
Yes!!!!!! I want to know who YOU are, not your kid. Along those lines... People who send a Christmas card with picture of just their pet.
Amber - September 5th, 2012 at 9:38 PM
I feel the same way about party favors (even when my kids get them - like we need more candy and plastic junk!). I'm also not a fan of the junk toys that come in kid's meals. I spend twenty minutes at McD's just trying to get Sponge Bob to work and all he does is bend. My 5 year old is like, "That's it? That's all he does?" Seriously, why can't all fast food restaurants tap into just a little bit of Chick-Fil-A's awesomeness and just let us trade the dang toy for some ice cream! Anyway, thanks, Jen for your your blogs, books etc. You help keep this stay-at-home-mom of 4 (and preacher's wife, like you - double whammy!) sane! :-)
angie - September 5th, 2012 at 9:49 PM
I hate the signing the folders! Everyone is in bed, but I just left myself a post-it on the table to sign my son's folder. I don't want him to get his card flipped b/c of ME.

Just starting reading 7 tonight. So excited.
Kristen - September 5th, 2012 at 9:55 PM
When I don't have an offering to put in the offering plate at church and I'm the ONLY one in the pew, and obviously not looking at the usher on purpose, and he still sticks it in my face, in front of everyone, and I have to do something awkward like say "I'm all set"...or "no thank you" or just wave my hand.... uggggghhhhh... If I don't stick my hand out, don't pass the plate!!


caroline - September 5th, 2012 at 10:00 PM
Ahem.
1) When people say something is "broke" - "Ah man, my car is broke." NO IT IS NOT. Your car is brokeN. It is honestly just one more letter in order for you to actually be grammatically correct. Seriously. One letter. Tha isn tha har.
2) While I am on grammar (I was raised by an English teacher, don't blame me) - for the love of Pete, people, when you pay an astronomical amount for your picture to be taken in coordinating-yet-trying-to-not-look-like-it outfits, by a photographer and then placed elegantly on a Christmas card - and then you say "Merry Christmas from The Smith's" it KILLS me. The Smith's what? The Smith's house? Car? Yule Log? Please stop using the stinking apostrophe whenever you dang well feel like it. (Deep breaths. Deep breaths.)
3) Children NOT opening their birthday presents at their party. Really? What is this about? No time? Then don't have twelve games to play! Is it because you know your kid will scream out "I don't like this!" or "That's all I get?" or "I already have three of those!" - well, then teach them manners. My poor five-year-old spent time picking this gift out, is so excited to give it to his friend, and he's robbed by not getting to see the look on his buddy's face when he opens it. Shame, shame, shame.
4) Any salad that is not green and leafy. i.e. Jello salad, fruit salad, tuna salad (just threw up in my mouth), chicken salad (again.) or anything else. Salad is green and leafy. Period. Respect the salad, people.
5) People who post 14 times a day on facebook. Really? Read a book.
6) Teacher appreciation week - Oh. My. Lord. On. High...This has gotten completely out of hand. (and I am a former teacher!) Monday - bring their favorite snack Tuesday - a flower Wednesday - A special note Thursday - their favorite drink Friday - gift card SERIOUSLY!?! If I received 24 plates of peanut butter cookies, Diet Cokes, flowers and stuff in one week, they sure wouldn't be my favorite anymore. Why can't we spread the love all year long, friends? Someone (not me!) make a spreadsheet! Please?
7) Shaving my legs, reaching my hand into gross sink water, chunky yogurt, and feeling like I have to have polished toes. My toe nails are nubs, leave me alone. I could paint the skin, but really, why? Love me anyway, just don't look at my feet.
Ahhhh, I feel better. Thanks, Hat! Oh and we can't wait to see you at FBC Euless in a few weeks. Fun will be had by all.
Hey, maybe I'll buy you Chick-Fil-A...we could go take it to those in need...? Ya, that was me. :) Love, love :)
Bethany - September 11th, 2012 at 4:09 PM
3) THANK YOU! My five year old loves your kid so much, and they are one of their favorite people ever, and I SEWED them a rag doll with my brand new sewing skills, and your daughter doesn't even open it!... Or we talked for ten minutes on the toy aisle about how this present is not for us, but for our friend, let's pick something out that they will really enjoy...How do I teach my kids the JOY of giving if we don't get to see the joy!?! Ah...
Debbie - September 6th, 2012 at 3:21 AM
Newbie fan. First time commenter.

thank you. the multitudes of paperwork that comes home in homework folders everyday is riDONculous! and the hubs who rarely has to help with homework just doesn't get it. seriously. i practiced signing my name before we got married, but that was PRACTICE... sheesh. Thanks for bringing this travesty to light, Jen.
annie - September 6th, 2012 at 10:02 AM
I agree with you on the talking while flying thing! Planes are my relaxation time. I read, I listen to music, or I watch the movies offered while in-flight. I don't want to talk!
Kimberly - September 6th, 2012 at 1:09 PM
I'd like to make an impact in the world by helping people include the requisit space in the the words, "a lot." I am NOT A FAN of when people try to explain to me that it is only one word, and I cannot convince them otherwise. "A lot" is TWO WORDS people!! Tell your kids!
Valerie - September 6th, 2012 at 1:47 PM
Loved it, Jen! And the few dozen comments I read -- hilarious! I am only a pseudo-ingredient snob, but I definitely say other things (innocently, of course) that make people *kind of wish I was dead* so I had to quote you in my most recent post. If in your next "not a fan" post, you say "people quoting me in their blogs," I'll know you don't mean me -- ha ha.

P.S. Loved Interrupted. Page-turner! I couldn't wait to finish, and yet the end still came too quickly. Thank you! Now I'm unraveling the mystery of the "so what?" in my life.
Cortney Schwalbe - September 6th, 2012 at 9:24 PM
not a fan of:
1) 13.7-month Navy deployments. the army dialed them down to like 6-9. come on Navy...you suck. that was too serious...somet things that are true world probs:

2) physically carrying my 2-yr-old out of places because "the party never ends" for her. i'm THAT mom. i'm so over it. but she is otherwise pretty cute 14 minutes of the day.

3) fruit flies swarming my organic fruit. that stuff is expensive, dudes. but i know a trick. i can leave a little wine in the bottle and you swarm to it. i cork it and it's fruit fly heaven. sayonara suckers.

4) kalamata olives with the pit still in. i used to live in Greece. i know the art of not pitting them. but i'm a sometimes tired mama to kids under 2 and i cut corners. not proud.

5) driving and texting. after witnessing this, i have been known to follow a teenager home and ask them if they value their life and mine. i can do this because i'm now in my mid-to-late 30s and they call me ma'am. i hate that but this is my revenge. i wish i was kidding. i'm not afraid to do it to the lady 20 years older than me, either. seriously.also too serious. i give up.

your book 7 is changing our life. love it! thanks for having the courage to do it AND write it. i'm reading it with bloom right now. i'm so glad i was intro'ed to you on your blog post in the basement. amazing.

Kell - September 7th, 2012 at 12:21 PM
I already commented but thought of another one today. My name is Kell and I'm not a fan of pretend. In fact I hate it. When the 4 year old brings me an armful of baby dolls that need to talk to one another, and sleep, and eat, and walk I start to twitch a little bit. "Play with me" gets me every time but I have perfected the art of nodding and mumbling. Okay, maybe I haven't perfected it but I'm trying. I hate pretend. This probably makes me a bad mother because I know imagination is SO important... can't she have an imaginary friend to play with?
Mecca - September 7th, 2012 at 3:32 PM
Just found your blog... also a mom of five... could not agree more. Maybe we could start an anti-party favor revolution. When my kids go to a party and get a bag full of candy, I truly want to decline it (not because I don't let them have candy, but there is never anything in there I like and they marginally like it, so it ends up chewed up and spit out on my mini-van floor.)
Mrs. Frito - September 10th, 2012 at 11:23 AM
Not. A. Fan. ... of pants with words across the rear. It doesn't matter your age or your pant size ... It. Is. Gross!! I don't want to be forced into staring at your rear end and left wondering why in the world you would choose to have the word "Juicy" plastered on it! (appears that you're stating a horrible medical condition!)
I suppose I am not a fan of the words across the butt of pants partly because I know, without a doubt, that if I attempted to wear a pair of shorts with the words, "Too Hot" on the rear ... the second "O" and the "H" would bunch together so that all that could be seen would read "TOOT" ... Clearly NOT attractive on even the most beautiful of people!!!
You're laughing now, but just wait ... the next time you find yourself in line behind someone with words across the rear of their pants & you are physically unable to look away (it's like a bad car wreck ... you can not stop staring) ... you will puke in your mouth a little!
Name - September 10th, 2012 at 11:29 AM
... or the pants from Victoria's Secret that have "PINK" emblazoned across the rear. Seeing these forces me to think of the monkeys at the zoo with their swollen, pink hineys ... NASTY!!! Just. Nasty.
Kristin - September 11th, 2012 at 1:21 AM
OK. You know what I'm not a fan of??? Actors talking with their "mouths full." Of course we know that they are fake eating, right? OK then.... So. They try to CONVINCE us that they ARE actually eating by talking with a FAKE full mouth.
Every movie - every TV show - they do this. Rich people, poor people..... As if this is something that occurs on a regular basis - world wide.
We don't talk with our mouths full. THEY don't talk with their mouths full.
They FAKE do it - so we think they are actually eating.
IT DRIVES ME NUTS!!!
Can you tell I'm annoyed?
Yes.... been a rough day here..... ALL THREE TEACHERS had a long list of stuff my kids pulled today.... I sat crying at the tiny table, in the tiny chair, of the preschool room talking to my son's teacher, in her cast.... her cast. The cast that she is wearing because she tripped over my son..... as she was chasing him..... and broke her foot.
Awesome.
joyofconception.blogspot.com
Joy - September 11th, 2012 at 3:42 PM
I think...there's a chance...we were separated at birth, Jen!
Christie - September 11th, 2012 at 4:28 PM
Checkout magazine headlines...not a fan.

WHY are people still ga-ga over Jenifer Aniston? She hasn't done anything since "Friends," which is soooo 90s.
Who the heck is Snooki and WHY do I want to meet her baby?
Kardashians. Ugh. Need I say more?
And the one with Beyonce, titled "The World's Hottest Mom." Just what us average, not-so-hot moms need to see as we are standing in the checkout line at Walmart, wearing the t-shirt we slept in and a pair of sweats, hair in falling-down ponytail, no make-up, and a basket with $200 worth of survival groceries (frozen, processed, salt-and-sugar saturated foods to appease the 6 constantly hungry children who roam my kitchen every 2 hours of the day).
And forget about trying to navigate these magazine-lined aisles with any one of my four boys. It almost makes me appreciate the strategically-placed toys and candy on the other side of the lane, so I can distract their eyes from the eye candy to the real candy.
Definitely not a fan.
Crissy - September 12th, 2012 at 4:46 AM
You are hilarious! I love reading the books/blogs you write, it's almost as it you are living in my head. I live in the same city as you and although I doubt I would ever bump into you, I am afraid that if I do, I would I start to uncontrollably start acting "cool" so you would let me sit at yOur lunch table. ;-) ok so now that we I know I secretly wish I was in your "council" (yes I read 7, TWICE while we built a new house... Talk about perfect timing) would you share the answer to an random question ....

Who took your family pics for this website? We need a photographer to come out and snap some pics of our family, especially since God surprised us with a baby girl after to rowdy boys :-).

Thanks for sharing!
Allison - September 12th, 2012 at 10:12 PM
I feel like you just gave me permission to never give my children "that kind of birthday party" again. THANK YOU SO MUCH!! :)
Stephanie - September 13th, 2012 at 7:31 PM
1. Cashiers who are completely befuddled when I hand over green faces of paper with Presidential portraits to pay for my items. Even worse - sometimes I need OTHER green pieces of paper BACK from them. Yes, I hitched my horse out front and need to get back to my butter churnin'. 2. Magazines that promise me I can get organized, lose weight, and add five more years (good ones) onto my life EVERY MONTH. Clearly, it's their fault that I buy them, not mine.

I'm not a Mom but I will add one teensy benefit to the school-signing thing. My niece's teachers never had to ask about her homelife - when Mommy and Daddy were signing her folder, things were fine. When it was Daddy one night and me another night and Grandma and then who knows who, it was clear to them that her little world had been rocked again in a bad way.
Jessie - September 13th, 2012 at 10:39 PM
Metal testicles hanging off rear bumpers...hate them. I mean..really?!
Tammie - September 14th, 2012 at 2:34 PM
Apples. The crunching makes-me-want-to-die. Please, I beg of you don't eat one next to me. I do NOT want to hear it crunch and you slurp and see the juice on your chin.

people who sit by you and sniff . . .sniff . . .sniff. . .

School supply lists. They make me want to start a lobbying group. Its becoming like a gift registry for teachers. They sometimes are two pages. Really? I find it curious that they bother me like they do given the fact that I homeschool and have never had to buy from a school supply list. But I am nothing if not loyal and am outraged on behalf of all my much saner regular school mom friends sweating over their nit picky overly long school supply lists. "Markers, Crayola only! No Rose Art!" (. . .the nerve of a mom trying to sneak by with crappy Rose art for a classroom!)"
Jo - September 16th, 2012 at 5:23 PM
I prefer the bagged, pre-shredded cheese when it comes to eating anywhere but home. All I can think about is finding the corner of a thumb nail...possibly with the corner of the thumb attached to it in my food!!! Ugh

Also, facebook prayer request responses. A serious request, with 59 folks leaving the comment; "Praying". Every single time I see that, I ask myself: "Are they really praying?"
Pauline Hylton - September 16th, 2012 at 8:09 PM
Okay, Jen. Your blog made me laugh out loud--several times. Thanks for that. I'm not a blog follower, although I am a blogger, so I'll add you to some list that I don't know how to make and my younger techno-savvy friend will show me. (She's the one of sent me here.)

Also, my kids are grown and I have a new bone to pick. Party favors for weddings. Yeah, that's right. I spend enough money to go to Europe a few times and then I HAVE TO GIVE A GIFT TO SOMEONE WHO COMES TO MY DAUGHTER'S WEDDING! (BTW, I think there was a young man involved.)

Anyway. Thanks for making my evening. Bless you.


Nadine - September 17th, 2012 at 12:19 AM
Most of my "not a fan of" situations are work related.

I'm NOT a fan of idle chit-chat in the washroom. I don't need to chat with you whilst having a "private" moment in the toilet. Thank you! This especially applies to work.

Eating... not a fan. chewing with mouth open... really not a fan. eating chips at desk while chewing with mouth open... I may or may not turn into the Hulk, just sayin. It irritates me to no end! I have to put in my ear buds and crank up the tunes in order to drown out the noise.

Typing loudly on keyboard.... not a fan. Are you trying to rub it in that you are working and I'm sitting over here clearly not working hard enough because my finger tips are not bleeding from the pressure they are having to endure from pounding the life out of them on a keyboard. Geez!!
claudia - September 17th, 2012 at 8:53 AM
Going outside. I'm not a fan of that. Not a fan at all.
WICK - September 17th, 2012 at 9:05 AM
I realize I'm joining this party late, and almost didn't comment....but you said "awesome sauce". I have to give you a virtual high-five for that. I say it, and get made fun of (by midwesterners who mispronounce the word "Ornery" as "awnry", and call grilled cheese "cheese toasties"). Although I'll say - I always get stuck by the inward-focused-quiet-time people on airplanes....and it sucks. :)
karen hartman - September 17th, 2012 at 5:19 PM
MIss Jen- I'm new,. Let me solve all your problems, because that's much more fun than dealing with mine. Shred your cheese with the food processor and then make the kids clean it up. Buy a signature stamp and teach a semi responsible kid to stamp all the signature lines for you. When you get on a plane, chew a big old awful smelling wad of gum with your mouth open and be sure to introduce yourself real loudly to your neighbor. Instant invisibility. Big birthday party with company and favors only the first year you live with us and every 4th year after that. In just a few years, the big kids can be talked/manipulated into wanting to be party planners
Right now I'm hating socks. The worst part of the end of summer. 14 kids have 28 feet, and my exotic, sensory issue kids have to change socks a dozen times a day because they feel wrong. Ick. Thanks for letting me play, too. K
Sara - September 17th, 2012 at 9:44 PM
Girl this is so hilarious and fabulous I can't even start... I loved you before I read it, but after reading it I would throw myself in front of a moving train for you! Finally I get a Sister in the Beth Moore George Carlin offspring! WHEW!
Colleen - September 18th, 2012 at 4:26 PM
You made me snort this afternoon. And I'm really tired teetering on really grumpy and a missionary living in Costa Rica so you really saved the day on that one. Not a fan of peanut butter knives. How can it be so lovely when you scoop it out of the car and so gross in the sink 5 minutes later? Thank the Lord we only find peanut butter here like once every 4 months. Not a fan...of the school bell at the school in our town which is an emergency siren. And since elementary school is in the morning and high school in the evening, it rings like 25, 000 (or 6) times a day, leaving me to recover from the heart attack the impending that was really just the end of recess caused.
Allison - September 18th, 2012 at 6:15 PM
Jenn...I ditto pretty much your entire list. I am also NOT a fan of the patient who comes into the colonoscopy clinic where I work and complains to me about them having to be there. Did I invite you? NO. Do I care if you have your colon screened so you don't die from cancer? Well, if you're going to be so nice about it, then NO not really. Go home. Don't whine to me! It's not my fault!!
Kristin - September 20th, 2012 at 10:11 AM
I love this whole post! I LOATHE party favors. I don't like giving them and I don't like when my kids get them. A bag full of candy and a noise maker and cardboard and/or plastic toys that my kids will play with for all of one second? I feel like I'm taking their money and throwing it in the trash. I don't remember ever once not throwing away a party favor bag (favors and all) in the trash as soon as we got home.
I kinda love the folder thing though. Of course I only have two kids and they both only have one Folder each to sign every Thursday. In fact, I kind of look forward to Thursday afternoons. I'm a freak.

Diana - September 20th, 2012 at 11:49 PM
Good Morning or Good Night depending on what time you read this....I just re-posted your blog entry on the Jr High post...so true and like you, love the set up of this season!!! I wanted to find out if you might be willing to help me out with a donation (autographed book or 2 or 3 - JK) for an upcoming silent auction and dinner for the Kids Beach Club at www.kidsbeachclub.org where KBC is Making Jesus Cool @ School. No donation is too big or too small!! I am in the process of putting together an awesome Book Tree/Library of some amazing books and authors and would love to include you and your books. If so you can mail your donation to Diana Willis, 1124 Simpson Dr., Hurst, TX 76053. dwillisasi@aol.com 817-919-3310 Thank you so much for making a difference in the lives of our children here in the DFW area as well as many more!! Have a blessed and joy filled weekend friend!!
Deborah Groom - September 21st, 2012 at 3:44 PM
People putting on their turning signal when they are already halfway through their turn. That does not help. I needed that information before I suddenly had to stop and Mr. Semi-truck is half way up my bumper.
The other is people on cell phones as they drive. There are no calls you are going to get that need you to pick up a phone while you drive. If it is an emergency you cannot perform brain surgery from your vehicle. If it is a serious situation you will be too distracted to drive safely and not cause another serious situation which will cascade into other people using their cell phones and thus eventually destroy the population of planet earth. Well except for the small communes of people without electronics who will not have received the shocking news about Cody not letting Sarah watch her show even though it was her turn. You get my point. Do not multitask while driving or you could be responsible for the end of the world. Thank you.
Sher Sutherland - September 21st, 2012 at 7:02 PM
I can't help it. I'm laughing out loud and feeling like one of my best friends (pastor's wife) has absolutely GOT to be your long, lost twin %u2013 maybe you'll meet on an airplane someday. I hope I'm on the same flight because it will be one wild ride.
Amy Odland - September 23rd, 2012 at 11:01 AM
hahaha Must. Subscribe. Now. I didn't know there were other GC/Beth Moore brains out there. You write how I think hun. And the fact that you had a Will Ferrell movie at the beginning?? Gold. Pure gold. Subscribing now... :)
M Clark - September 23rd, 2012 at 2:13 PM
I found this blog post via the Simple Mom website. This is the first time I have read you work and I have to say.... I AM A FAN! I was laughing so hard my 3 year old walked up to me and said, "Something funny on ca-put'r, Mommy?" I was laughing so hard I could hardly answer her. Thanks for making my day.
Heather - September 23rd, 2012 at 10:13 PM
Can I confess that I am not a fan of Beth Moore? I like her for OTHER people, but She is way to emotional for my Grinch heart, which is apparently 3 sizes too small. Also, school fundraisers. Won't do them. Don't ask. And, no, Nice teacher for my 12 yr old (who we just adopted from a 3rd world country and barely knows how to use a computer), I will not let my daughter have social media accounts "to help her learn appropriate social skills and collaborate on group projects." She can call people on the phone and pass notes in class like I did...
Kelli - September 23rd, 2012 at 10:15 PM
laundry. not washing the dirty stuff but putting up the clean stuff. I don't even mind folding it, but putting it up slays me, every. time. Our situation is a bit different though as "workers" in the Middle East, we only get city water 1.5 days a week so I have to cram all my laundry for our family of 6 into these 2 days and it feels like my house looks like laundry has exploded all over it forever after that because then it has to all hang out to dry (not always enough electricity for the dryer), and then I have mounds of stuff waiting to be ironed because it's all crinkly from hanging out to dry, and then I have to put it up. Thankfully 3 of my daughters are old enough to put up their own but it doesn't make me complain any less!! :)
Oh- and I LOVED your airplane "not a fan"- living overseas I SO get that as most of my flying experience involved incredibly long flights and not so happy kids so on the rare occasion that I get a trip by myself, I have to savor the "me time".
Oh (last oh)- so jealous that I couldn't make the dotMOM conference this weekend- one of my best friends over here got to go so I hope she took good notes for me :).. Bless you and your family and your ministry!
And oh (I lied above)- truly am thankful for your ministry- have just gotten a hold of some of your books and I love your writing style and the way God speaks through you so thanks for that. :)
God bless!
Tarah - September 24th, 2012 at 12:43 PM
I had to laugh at how many things on this list I am SO WITH YOU on! But first.....girl, get yourself a food processer. I have a small 3 cup one that has a shredder wheel that goes through an entire block of cheese in seconds. SECONDS!

Hot tubs. Hate them. Has nothing to do with my core temperature and everything to do with sitting in a mutual bathtub that who knows how many people have sweated in. Never yet met a hot tub that passed my cleanliness inspection, and as far as sitting in hotel ones.....I have an aversion to sharing my bath with strangers, plus I nearly pass out or go blind from the steamy chlorine fumes. My friend has one at her house that she loves to party in, and she makes fun of me for always declining. However, a few weeks ago as all of our girls were enjoying it.....someone did an oopsie in the tub. A disgusting oopsie that caused us to spend hours scrubbing our daughters every hair and crevice......twice. I don't think I'll ever have to defend my hot tub issues with that friend again. :)
Katie @ Heart Gone Walking - September 24th, 2012 at 8:40 PM
TRUTH: I wanna party with George Carlin Jen and go to church with Beth Moore Jen.
Morgan - September 24th, 2012 at 9:53 PM
Talking to someone face to face, and then her iphone dings and she looks down and is completely absorbed with her phone, but still pretends like we are having a conversation. NOT A FAN. Unless it's Pioneer Woman asking you for a recipe, GET OFF YOUR PHONE and have a real conversation with oh, I don't know, a flesh-and-blood person!
Corinne A. - September 25th, 2012 at 11:21 PM
I'm SO GLAD you said you're not a party mom. My son's 3 year old birthday is coming up and Pinterest has exploded in my face since last year and now I have to plan the world's most amazing party. Apparently. And even though I will totally make some spinach and artichoke dip for you, I don't want to do it if I have to name it something related to a Transformer.
Shara - September 26th, 2012 at 7:06 AM
I agree with you on the hot tubs. There is no telling what kind of nastiness is left in those things from the people before. Gross.

I'm always in a hurry, so people who are walking in front of me in the grocery store or the mall or wherever who are way too pokey or just stop for no apparent reason-- not a fan.

Have a great day!
Erica - September 26th, 2012 at 6:15 PM
I hate it when people ride bikes or walk in the street when there is a perfectly good sidewalk RIGHT THERE! And what is with people walking against traffic. When I was in school they taught us to walk WITH traffic. Who changed the rules?
jeny - September 26th, 2012 at 10:16 PM
oh Hottubs- right there with you- after you take microbiology- you will never, ever want to go in one again. And if the water is every white- not from the bubbles- don't go in- run- this means there is a lovely bacteria in there.
Dawn - September 29th, 2012 at 7:52 PM
You, Jen Hatmaker, are my long lost twin. Maybe we'll meet on an airplane one day and not talk to each other. GBY.
Becky - September 29th, 2012 at 10:57 PM
One of the teachers at our school has had a 'just married' sticker on his car for months. Um, a) pretty sure you're supposed to take that off the day after and b) nobody cares.
Pam Kinser - October 3rd, 2012 at 12:14 AM
Not a fan of holding hands in church! My hands sweat, and I mean sweat! All four seasons are the same. Sweaty hands! It served me well as a teenager when I got the reputation for being a prude since I didn't hold hands on dates but those days are long gone. I just don't want to hold your hand in church. OK? And by the way, I kind-a like this "Not a Fan" thing and I'm gonna be a copy cat and use it at a retreat soon. :)
Laura - October 3rd, 2012 at 3:56 PM
The real problem with party favors - more plastic junk cluttering up the planet.
Dan - October 4th, 2012 at 1:34 PM
Jen, my first world problem has to be waiting in line at the Coffee shop(Tim Hortons here in Canada). Oh the humanity...oh the horror of it all! The drive through is my nightmare...I avoid them like the plague...

Second in line has to be picking my elementary school aged children up...arrive a moment to soon and you have to wait...a moment late and your crammed in the never moving dreaded LINE of doom...as you watch each and every child vacate the school, and each and every bus leave...only then are you aloud to vacate the parking lot...oh how I dream for weekends!
emily anderson - October 4th, 2012 at 11:38 PM
i can't even handle how funny this is.
thank you, amazing one.

and amen to the kids folders. why the he-zeck do i need to sign 18 different places? and also, i just learned today that they have to keep 2 different reading logs---one for their class and one for book-it. excuse me? am i the only one that feels like this is a redundant thing? like i don't have 6 children to care for or anything.
Lindsey - October 10th, 2012 at 3:50 PM
This literally made me laugh out loud and I am sad that I haven't read your blog before now. And I'm not a mama yet (currently in the adoption process!), but I am so with you on the party favors. And over the top parties, inviting everyone in your grade level; I could go on and on. I didn't have elaborate parties and I think I turned out just fine. :)
Love your post on the truth about adoption too.
Jeannett Gibson - November 2nd, 2012 at 6:15 PM
Okay, so I'm super late to this party being that it appears I am comment #323 and all...but I'm new to the Jen Hatmaker Fan Club (Is there a membership card? Tell me there is a card!). I pretty much thought you were only a Beth Moore type, and while I love Bethy-Poo and all, it can be a bit much. But then I started reading 7 (which I was totally scurred to start because I have a feeling it will mess me up and that's always super annoying)...and I was surprised you were funny. Like, for real funny. I don't know if it's rude to tell you I was surprised you were more than one-dimensional. But whatevs. I was. So I thought I'd hop on here and check you out in more detail...I've read posts here and there, but officially you've been added to my reader (be impressed. I'm sure you are.)
So anyway, the point to all of this is that I sat here while nursing my baby and started CRACKING UP at the Will Ferrell clip...which made my baby crack up (because clearly I was totally ignoring him...the La Leche League would be appalled...) and then milk got everywhere and it was pretty much a disaster.
All of that to say: you are funny, but if my office smells like sour milk next week it's totally your fault.

(Also? I'm jealous you got to hang with Kristen for a week. I like that girl.)
hoi an travel - January 9th, 2013 at 3:18 AM
Not a fan of holding hands in church! My hands sweat, and I mean sweat! All four seasons are the same. Sweaty hands! It served me well as a teenager when I got the reputation for being a prude since I didn't hold hands on dates but those days are long gone. I just don't want to hold your hand in church. OK? And by the way, I kind-a like this "Not a Fan" thing and I'm gonna be a copy cat and use it at a retreat soon. :)
Emily Rushton - February 1st, 2013 at 12:39 PM
Late to the party:

To take your point further, I can't stand chatty people on airplanes... at 6:00AM. These people especially feel the need to yell across 15 rows to keep up their conversation about snowboarding or that time they went to Europe or whatever.

Poor grammar. Entire paragraph status updates on FB without the use of even one measly comma or period.

People asking me how to do/fix/explain something that can clearly be Googled (and all I'm going to do is...Google it)

Full on baby-on-boob breastfeeding photos on Instagram. Just...no.

Clothes shopping. I feel constantly judged.

Any and all mouth noises. If I can see your food while you're eating, I may or may not be plotting your demise.

(Just finished reading 7 as part of my "Read 100 books in 2013" goal... So inspiring. Thank you!)
game dien thoai - July 18th, 2013 at 8:46 PM
Party Favors! Yes! I am with you, girl! I am SO not a detail person, either. I think it's why my husband and I don't take vacations, neither of us know how to plan them (oh, and the money thing, but whatever). What's scary is I'm trying to homeschool our children - and I CAN'T plan it - pray for me.
Nina - August 16th, 2013 at 3:58 PM
AMEN on the party favors! I just wrote all about it Brain, Child Mag and my friend pointed me here afterwards as she knew I'd love your post. (I did!)

Here's the link in case you're interested. So glad to discover your blog. http://www.brainchildmag.com/2013/08/the-case-against-party-favors/
kho c%u1EEDa - August 18th, 2013 at 4:10 AM
I thought I'd share our text message conversation:
Jess: Please at some point today read Jen Hatmaker's latest post, unless you're driving...Then call me and I'll read it to you. Very funny!
Me: Read it last night and tried to comment that i hate peeling potatoes #notafan, she is my hero.

We love you.
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THESE PEOPLE ARE SCAMS AND THEIR TESTIMONIES OF SPELL CASTERS MUST BE IGNORED.
Dr Malaika is the real spell caster. I tried all those people and
I was really scammed until one day I came crying to my friend asking to help me with my confusion. She later told me about Dr Malaika which my mind really urged me to give a try. She testified about how Dr Malaika
brought back her Ex-lover in less than 3 days and reversed the effect
of her lost womb, and at the end of her story she gave me Dr
Malaika's email address. I decided to give Dr Malaika a try though with doubt. I contacted him via email and explained my problem to him. In just 3 days, my Hubby came begging. We resolved our issues, and we are even happier than before, am pregnant now to God be the glory. Dr Malaika is really a gifted man and I will not stop publishing him because he is a wonderful man... Come to think of it I didn't pay much and all I have to do is tell the world about this wonderful man. Even my pastor said that God works mysteriously, that some men are used by God to help others. If you have a problem and you are looking for a real and genuine spell caster to solve all your problems for you. Contact Dr Malaika anytime, he is the answer to your problems. Here's his contact odogwumalaika@gmail.com

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