A Fake Film Crew, Armpit Paste, and Spilled Beer: A Day in the Life
by Jen Hatmaker on August 6th, 2013

Just once, I’d like to have a normal day. Why does everything have to get jacked in this family so often? Do the rest of you just plan your days and all the elements behave accordingly? Because that is the opposite of my life.
 
Take today, for example. I’m teaching at dotMOM in September (<---the MOST fun – if you can come, you should) and the event team decided to put a funny video together with all the speakers and emcees. Angie Smith, Melanie Shankle, and Sophie Hudson filmed their part a few weeks ago, and Vicki Courtney and I were filming at my house today. Fine. Great. Grand. Arrival time for the crew: 10:30-11:00am.
 
First of all, I was out of deodorant. Worth noting: I have a thing about deodorant. I need lots of it slathered in giant, obnoxious layers. I buy the “clinical strength” variety, and I use enough to withstand Dante’s Inferno. One time, my friend Jenny ironed a shirt for me before a speaking engagement, and since I’d worn it to a previous event without washing it, she laid it open and gasped: “It looks like a crime scene!” There was deodorant residue from hem to cuff because no one wants to see the speaker pitted out. I don’t even know why I have to explain this.
 
Going without was not an option, so I used the next best thing: Brandon’s. What is the deal with men’s deodorant? I am here to tell you it actually made me stickier and sweatier, and all my underarm skin was shellacking together like Velcro. I did the only thing I could: powdered my sticky pits. But since I couldn’t find any regular baby powder, I used medicated Gold Bond, effectively creating armpit paste and now smelling like your average masculine jock itch sufferer.
 
When the doorbell rang at 10:35, I thought: Right on time! I opened the door and enthusiastically greeted the team: two men and one woman. (Yay! A woman filmmaker, I thought.) Welcome! Welcome! How was your flight? (No answer? Ooookay.) I’m Jen! *vigorously shaking their hands* What are your names? Brian? Karen? Paul? Great! (Where are their cameras? Why are they acting weird?) Glad you found the house okay! Come on in! (These people are socially awkward. Why is that guy turning on all my lights??) I was just putting the dishes away! These are two of my kids, Ben and Remy…
 
Then the one guy starts giving dimensions of my living room, and I thought, “Well, I guess he is scoping it out for the filming, but these other two are like dead weight.” Then he said something about bedroom and bathrooms and it hit me:
 
These people are here for a showing and this is their realtor.
 
I had three kids asleep upstairs, beds unmade, bags unpacked, laundry in piles, not to mention that here we all were, casually watching TV and talking to them like we were potential best friends instead of anonymous sellers. Like a lunatic, I grabbed Windex and a roll of paper towels and just started squirting surfaces, the phrase too little too late not currently accessible in my frontal lobe, especially since the potential buyers were standing right in front of me. I believe the jig was already up. 

I ran into the girls’ room, picked up their dirty clothes and threw them in the corner, still fully visible so I’m not certain what my strategy was there. I pulled Sydney out of her bed dead asleep and told her to stand in her closet and shut the door. Again, I was operating from the primal part of my brain; reason was not invited to this particular Panic Party.
 
I ran over to my bathroom right as they were coming out of it, and together we looked at the two loads of laundry dumped in the middle of my bedroom floor. I just sadly gestured to it, mute, remorseful, like together we were observing a very heartbreaking memorial dedicated to the dead dream of selling my house to these people.
 
This took us to 10:45 at which point they made a hasty exit. Was it walking in on a sleeping 15-year-old that did it? Or maybe opening a bedroom closet to find a confused, half-dressed 13-year-old girl standing there like some sort of Children of the Corn scene? We’ll never know, friends. I believe we’ve seen the last of them.
 
I had just minutes to regain composure before the actual film crew arrived, so I sat down to review the script. In one scene, I realized one of my kids was supposed to look in the refrigerator, so I zipped over to check out the contents, as we’ve been out of town and had no time to grocery shop yet. So it was a pretty empty carcass…except a beer that had been in the way back for ages. Usually, the respectable beverages cover it up, but there was nary a milk or orange juice jug in sight. Just beer and mayonnaise.
 
Still freshly discombobulated from the fake film crew, I grabbed the bottle to hide in my bathroom cabinet during my Christian shoot, and as I turned around, it slipped out of my hand and shattered everywhere. Beer and glass splashed in every direction, and I froze, as if these were the dark days of the prohibition and I was on the cusp of a raid.
 
I started raking glass into a dustpan, kneeling in puddles of beer and sloshing it all in the trash can. Lady Bird helped with some of the beer removal, which I allowed because she is a good dog and deserves a solid afternoon nap. So now my house smells like a brewery in the middle of the morning, but hey! It’s 5:00 somewhere, amirite, crew?? What, these wet patches on my knees? It’s just beer. I kneel in it before every photo shoot. It’s just a thing I do.
 
None of this was helping my armpit situation. The Gold Bond was totally punking on me. “Absorbs wetness” my eye! I had to hold my arms askew so the pit paste wouldn’t adhere, which is about the time the doorbell rang. Good times.
 
I somehow pulled my stuff together and finished the shoot, but I would be remiss if I didn’t share a teaser. You know how marriage involves sacrifice? Brandon and I have taken plenty on the chin for each other over the last twenty years. We’ve endured all kinds of horse-crappery for one another. But his participation in this video in the middle of his busy workday should certainly qualify him for sainthood. The back story and plot is irrelevant. All you need to know is that my poor husband did this for me today:
He is an owl. He doesn't want to talk about it.

Add this to my excessive use of his deodorant and Gold Bond, and I’m afraid it’s time to pay the piper.


Did your day run amok? Because I WOULD LOVE TO HAVE SOME SOLIDARITY UP IN HERE.
 


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224 Comments
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Cyndi - August 7th, 2013 at 8:37 AM
I am sitting across from my husband reading this and CRYING, I am laughing so hard. He thinks I'm nuts. He thinks that anyway--you're not helping my case! And the picture of Brandon dressed as an owl is the funniest thing I've seen ALL. WEEK. I'm dying.
Cre - February 14th, 2014 at 5:24 PM
I am still laughing/crying about the 13 year old in the closet. If I would have been the buyers, I would have been on the floor laughing!
Tamara - August 7th, 2013 at 8:50 AM
ok... I am trying my darndest to keep my composure as I read this at work... this is fantastic!!! and p.s. could NOT keep my composure !!!
Beth - August 7th, 2013 at 8:55 AM
Oh thank you! I needed a laugh this morning!
Diane Mawr - August 7th, 2013 at 9:00 AM
Thank you. Great way to grab a little perspective as the day begins. And to remember how lovely was to have a house full of people. Right now you think kids-in-college-retirement will be awesome - and it is - but these lovely blogs of yours are better than a thousand photo albums.
Stephanie @ Hugs, Kisses and Snot - August 7th, 2013 at 9:10 AM
Oh Jen, bless you. The beer thing cracked me up. I have bottles stashed in the back of the fridge too. They are probably three years old and totally skunky buy now...but you never know when you're gonna need a beer.
Before I finished I scrolled through and saw the pics of your hubs and kids dressed as owls and thought "what in the world insanity is going on in this house?!" Love it!
Amy - August 7th, 2013 at 9:12 AM
Tears are running down my face as I write. I can't even pick my favorite part. Your daughter standing in the closet or the look on your husband's face are near the top. What our husbands do for us!! Yes, I believe sainthood is in his future. Thanks for the laugh.
Christi Anna - August 7th, 2013 at 9:20 AM
cracking me up!!!!!! laundry abounds here too my friend. you're in good company.
Natalie P - August 7th, 2013 at 9:28 AM
Thank you! I needed the laughter your blog brought to my day. When I sent the link to my sister I told her I thought you were a long, lost sister of ours we have never know about! And God bless your husband. We have four daughters (baby leaves home this fall), and my husband has had barrettes put in his hair, inadvertently worn teddy bear stickers on his back pocket (walking through Walmart), and shown up to work with glitter on his face after telling the girls goodbye in the mornings. But he has never dressed up as an owl. Maybe he'll do that when the grandkids start coming into our lives....
Cathee - August 7th, 2013 at 9:31 AM
Yes! Yes! Yes!, like Meg Ran in "When Harry Met Sally" and I am not even faking it. My life is running SOOOO behind too!
Vicki - August 7th, 2013 at 9:40 AM
OMGosh! I almost choked on my cereal like 5 times and read nearly the whole post out loud to my co-worker so she wouldn't think I was totally crazy for laughing like a hyena!
Jessica - August 7th, 2013 at 9:43 AM
I have not laughed so hard in days. thank you.
Dani - August 7th, 2013 at 9:49 AM
Once again, I'm crying and unable to breathe from laughing so hard. Why does all the accident-prone moments happen at the worst times? I think God created Murphy just so that his law could give Him a few chuckles.
Mary - August 7th, 2013 at 9:51 AM
I just want to say thank you. When my life is best described as grim you come through and give me the reassurance that I'm not alone. Thank you!
Krista - August 7th, 2013 at 10:10 AM
Oh my gosh this is hysterical! I swear stuff like this ONLY happens to me! I have awkward moments almost daily, and I have crazy things that take over my life, and when I step back I cannot help but think "I have GOT to be the only person this type of stuff happens to!..." It's nice to hear someone else goes through this type of stuff!
Louise Hughes - August 7th, 2013 at 10:11 AM
No, you are so not alone:) I have four sons, a husband, and two dogs that weigh about 100 pounds in the house. What you just described sounds like an average day in the life of... Throw in that we have been married for seventeen years and have lived in eight different houses. We are NOT moving anymore - mutual agreement. It would really have to be a God thing to get us out of where we are now. You have my prayers, Sister.
Blessings,
Louise

Sarah - August 7th, 2013 at 10:12 AM
We had a house showing the other day and two hours before our potential buyers come through my 1 year old wakes up from his nap. Went to fetch him and found him literally covered in feces. He had thrown out all of his blankets (which were also covered) took off his diaper, seemingly rolled around in it all, then painted the wall and all the poles of his crib with it. And if I'm honest...I think he ate some. It took me half an hour to clean the poor thing (mulitple baths to loosen the already dried and caked parts) and then another half hour to clean and bleach the area. Sometimes I think life as a mom would be better with a Haz-Mat suit. Off to check my 5 loads of dirty laundry under my bed.. I think I might have one hiding in there.
Amy - August 7th, 2013 at 10:25 AM
Oh thank you so much for your real-life-ness. It makes me look forward to motherhood one day. Also, your posts help me forgive myself when my husband's corporate clients come over unannounced and our dishes haven't been done in a week and the dog hair on the rug is out of control. Gross to me, I'm sure even worse to them. Thank you for telling it like it is and showing confident vulnerability! You don't know what it does for women like me. :)
Melissa - August 7th, 2013 at 10:28 AM
Oh my goodness. I laughed SO hard. Literally laughing out loud at my computer screen. The kid in the closet did me in. I was cry laughing. I mean you can't make that stuff up. And just so you know, my armpits are sweaty.
Cortney - August 7th, 2013 at 10:40 AM
well I could tell you about the day that I went to pick my second child up from her homeschool coop. Sat in carline for 30 minutes to pick her up - only to have the administrator ask me what I was doing. Because my second child was home sick that day and was sitting in the car behind me. #homeschoolcoopmomfailure

that was just one of many things that happened that day....


Jodi - January 8th, 2014 at 12:51 AM
Blahahaha! That's hilarious :)
Claire - August 7th, 2013 at 11:05 AM
Forget the beer. You earned a margarita for you and hubs!
Summer - August 7th, 2013 at 11:33 AM
I love how such a mixed bag of messes can come together to make such a hilarious memory! And no, you're not alone!

This reminds me of the day I was doing some spring cleaning while our young daughters played in their bedroom... My husband, a firefighter, was on duty and wouldn't be home until the next morning. I was making the most of a gorgeous spring Saturday, all the doors and windows open, a nice cool breeze offsetting the scent of Pinesol. That's why I didn't smell the smoke at first, thick and black, roiling above the ceiling fans and and out the windows. By the time I DID, neighbors were gathering in their yards and someone had called the fire department. I hustled our girls out of the house and into the care of one sweet neighbor, then quickly determined the source of the smoke - our gas floor furnace, the pilot light of which was supposed to have been turned off for the season. Our oldest daughter told me later she got cold and turned on the heat. (That's when we learned a 4-yr-old can do that!) The rug over the furnace grate had melted into a smoldering, dripping mess and the nearby bag of wrapping paper had burned to ashes. In a panic, I called my husband at his fire station. The panic had nothing to do with the fire. I told him I had it under control and there was no need for sirens, flashing lights, big red trucks, and PEOPLE WE KNOW to descend on our still messy (and now smoke-filled) house. Too late, I quickly realized. So, sirens blaring in the distance, I carried the smoking, melting glob of burned up acrylic rug out of the house on a broom handle. Then I ran back in the house, holding my breath and cleaning as much as I could before running out for a breath and dashing back in - several times. Concerned neighbors expressed their disapproval but I insisted it was under control. I made my last dash inside just as the firetrucks pulled up. The lieutenant, a good friend of my husband's, bounded up the sidewalk just in time to see me run out of the house, a broom in one hand, dustpan in the other, and my face and clothes black with soot - just like most of the inside of our house. All to say I completely understand the "too little too late" company-prep cleaning compulsion! Good times for sure :-)
Rosanne - August 7th, 2013 at 11:45 AM
Okay, the day my photographer for my article that was running the next day called me and told me someone had broken in and stolen his laptop (and all his pictures) now seems very pale in comparison! I laughed so hard, I cried! Thanks for sharing!!!
Jeanene - August 7th, 2013 at 1:57 PM
All I can say is that I am so grateful to know I am not the only one! Thank you!!
janet jackson - August 7th, 2013 at 2:02 PM
I am 54 years old...raising 4 granddaughters, and my 11 year old adopted daughter. I am too old for this! one of who is not potty training and yes, there ie pee EVERYWHERE!!! I also started my own jewelry making business,,,and got a new puppy,,,because I am just that crazy and senile. I needed a great laugh and the mental images were so much fun!!! Thanks are adding humor to my day where humor seems to be the center of all we do around here! Janet
Michelle - August 7th, 2013 at 2:14 PM
My day started off with me shaking my can of mousse and, SOMEHOW, catching a sliver of skin on my index finger between the spray nozzle and the doorjamb behind me. Bleed like a stuck hog!
Melissa - August 7th, 2013 at 2:17 PM
What a great story and you have depicted your story so well!
Samantha - August 7th, 2013 at 2:22 PM
Ok, I feel like this description, minus the camera crew and realtor visit is like my life. I can NOT get anywhere without something going crazy wrong. I feel like the refrigerator in our new rental is out to get me. I filled the produce drawer with fruit at which point it happily broke and spilled forth a week's worth of produce floor. The next day the blueberries fell out of the fridge. Why couldn't it be strawberries? At least they don't roll so much. I'm still finding blueberries under things. Then as we were about to leave the house, the shelf in the door just fell out, dumping salad dressing bottles, ketchup, and everything else from the door, including the one bottle of wine, half empty, left by my sister in law 2 months ago. Ah, at least I can relish the fact that I'm not alone.
Mary WF - August 7th, 2013 at 2:26 PM
Laughing uncontrollably. I don't think I can read your blog in front of my kids because they will think I've gone mad. My bunch is a bit older than yours, but I do remember those days when no one had any clothing on, ever, except me of course, and inevitably, we would get a surprise visitor. You are funny.
Robin - August 7th, 2013 at 3:09 PM
I.HAVE.HURT.MYSELF.LAUGHING.!!
Not AT you, promise! Bless Brandon in the owl
get-up. Pay the piper bigtime!! He deserves it!
Jennifer - August 7th, 2013 at 3:15 PM
Girrrrrrrrl!!!!!!!!! Laughing through this whole post and thank you for that! Focusing on the pits though because I am a little sweaty pits obsessed myself. A recent discovery? Alcohol (not beer though - beer is for drinking), rubbing alcohol and a couple cotton balls - good.to.go. For like, hours. Check it out some time. This has given me arm pit confidence like never before. Thanks, as always, for keeping it real.
Mary Hayden - August 7th, 2013 at 3:36 PM
I think we should be best friends. LOL God gave you a sense of humor as a tool, no doubt! :) Thank you for sharing real life...and the blessings in it :)
Susan - August 7th, 2013 at 4:41 PM
Wow! Just wow!! God knew I needed this today!! You know those black cloud days? Well I had at least three today. Some pretty serious stuff and some not. Non-serious; the car needed $638.00 and we have two more that need work this month. Cat threw up three baby bird heads all over the kitchen floor and got three chairs covered. I'm a germ-a-phone by the way. Then the vacuum cleaner died. I had enough other stuff for two full days more like this all today but those are the sharable highlights.
amy - August 7th, 2013 at 4:50 PM
DYING. I am dying over here, over this and the Today show post (which I somehow missed until just now). Girl, you are a riot.
Trace - August 7th, 2013 at 4:51 PM
I'm sorry... but I can't have an owl in my wolf pack. For shame.
Olivia - August 7th, 2013 at 6:31 PM
Thank you for the giggle! My Tuesday consisted of taking the dog out at 0600 since the hubs is gone on business and finding the refrigerator door open, my cast iron Dutch oven covered in ants since the 12 year old decided putting it away was easier than cleaning it. Then, after my morning prayer time we started homeschool, only for the same 12 yr old to squeeze a bottle of glue until the lid popped off and glue went everywhere. He then walked down the hall to show me, thereby tracking glue up & down the hallway. Oh, and my Shark steam mop decided yesterday was the day to quit producing steam. Mop & bucket anyone?
Jeane` - August 7th, 2013 at 8:39 PM
This was perfect. Goldbond and all. May you live to see an sane and orderly day, just like so many of the blogs I no longer read tell us exist. All I know is, I am on my third Gin and Tonic (my new favorite go-to/old man-style drink during these eternally long summer days) and I am steam-cleaning my (once cream, now brown splotched) carpets at 8-shitting-30 at night because I have a potentially new babysitter coming tomorrow to meet my five little darling hellions and I am desperate to make a good impression. That's just me. Thanks for, as always, keeping it downright real.
Cheryl Barker - August 7th, 2013 at 10:00 PM
Yes, my day ran amok, too. I decided I needed a dose of the great outdoors tonight, but even the mosquitos were out to get me. Should have known :)
jennifer - August 7th, 2013 at 10:03 PM
Um... none of my days go the way I think they will. Granted, I'm not waiting for film crews to show up, but still. Nothing.Ever. Goes as planned.
And at my house, that's called needing to pay the rent. Not funny, I know. But really, it just is funny.
amber - August 7th, 2013 at 10:08 PM
a crime scene in your shirt!!! finally someone who speaks my language when it comes to deodorant. ohmyword. yes and YES!

love this story. and your husband's expression in that last pic is best of all!!
Amy - August 7th, 2013 at 10:08 PM
I can opt out of situps for at least 3 days from laughing so hard at your unfortunate series of events. Praise God you share this insanity with us. Blessings abound.
Tracy - August 8th, 2013 at 3:31 AM
I've been looking forward to the next hilarious installment from your house of craziness. My days are, unfortunately, nowhere near so hilarious. But my niece made me laugh like crazy in class the other day. She's one of the students I get to work with so yesterday I sat down with her group to play phoneme snap, which she'd never played before. "Hold on, we need to read the instructions" I say and she replies "Ohhhh...I didn't know there were corruptions for this game".

I bet you didn't know playing games would corrupt a person!
Lisa - August 8th, 2013 at 5:17 AM
Laughing so hard! You are not alone sista'!!! I sometimes feel like my family of 6 is straight chaos! Haha! The house showing part... Oh.my.gosh! I would have died! Thanks for making me laugh today!
Vicki - August 8th, 2013 at 7:24 AM
Just had a good old belly laugh at y'alls expense! Oh my goodness! And the picture....the expression on Remy's face killed me!!!
Susanne H. - August 8th, 2013 at 7:37 AM
Thank you so much for making me laugh so hard my stomach hurt and I had tears streaming down my face. I needed that laugh so much! I love your story!
Jen - August 8th, 2013 at 8:36 AM
Oh my gosh, too funny. Thanks for the laugh!
Teresa - August 8th, 2013 at 8:38 AM
HA.LAR.I.OUS!!!!
Kari - August 8th, 2013 at 9:42 AM
How DARE you make me laugh out loud at work when I'm supposed to be, um, ......working......
Michelle Williams - August 8th, 2013 at 10:40 AM
Thank you truly for the laughter!! I had this kind of day yesterday-discovered my kids had been exposed to lice working in the childcare at a conference, and spent the day delousing 3 children-not the day I had planned! I couldn't quite laugh about it yet, but you just allowed me to laugh!!
Christy - August 8th, 2013 at 10:59 AM
You're killing me! I'm reading this at my kitchen table, and my kids probably think I have really flipped completely out this time! Tears and belly laughter...the best kind! Thank you very much. The beer...love it! I'm sorry I can't think of one of my less than days right now. You have made it all better. Wish I could go to the conference.
Amy - August 8th, 2013 at 11:47 AM
Woot! Woot! Solidarity and a DEEP appreciation for your honesty....real life!
Faith - August 8th, 2013 at 11:59 AM
This had me laughing out LOUD and almost rolling on the floor. This is so my life! You have to laugh about it...or you'll cry :)
PendleStitches - August 8th, 2013 at 12:50 PM
Ok...feeling better about my day! I thought I'd snaffled the Last Good Husband, but you surely got one too. Not entirely convinced mine would be an owl for love nor money. Yep...you owe him! ;-)
Asha - August 8th, 2013 at 1:20 PM
What a husband! Love love love your fam. When my bossy daughter was first learning words, she would command our dog to sit which sounded much more like (Shit) over and over, especially at church. Yeah, it's a ride. Thankful for grace, and yes...a good cold beer in the fridge, or all over the floor as it may be.
Wendy - August 8th, 2013 at 3:38 PM
Jen, your gift of writing & living out loud & in full "color" for the world encourages my soul in such a weary season of my life; your honesty encourages me! Thank you! Sincerely!
Emily - August 8th, 2013 at 4:18 PM
Thanks for this bright spot of humor today! I really needed it after feeling sorry for myself all day because nothing has been going the way I want it to. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one that is surrounded by chaos and craziness. I wil now take a moment to find the humor in my own day. :)
Angela - August 8th, 2013 at 9:14 PM
Thank you for making me laugh until I cried . . . again. You're a riot! Where do you live? Can we be friends? ; )
Allison - August 8th, 2013 at 9:49 PM
That was the funniest post ever...EVER! Thank you for sharing!
KimB - August 8th, 2013 at 11:01 PM
I mean for goodness sake!! I am DYING here laughing! You told her to stand in the closet and shut the door....the laundry....the beer....all of it!!! That post should have been sponsored by Gold Bond :)
Gary - August 8th, 2013 at 11:12 PM
My eyes r watering from laughing so hard...glad I'm not the only one who has days like that!
Therese K - August 9th, 2013 at 9:57 AM
One word: hilarious. In other news... you should try certain dry. It's an over the counter anti-perspirant. After a few days your life will be changed. For real.
Emily S - August 9th, 2013 at 12:42 PM
I laughed so hard I almost hurt myself. I am sharing this with my mom, my future SIL and maybe a co-worker STAT! Thanks for sharing!
Jessica - August 9th, 2013 at 4:51 PM
OMG I'm crying from laughing so hard. Sorry your day was so hectic, but thanks for sharing it with us and adding some laughs to my day. You are stinking hilarious.
Molly - August 10th, 2013 at 7:45 AM
Oh. My. Goodness! :) You are not alone. That sort of scene is pretty much a daily "treat" around here too (four kids 4 and under). The baby wouldn't freaking sleep last night, so I watched him crawl around the floor at one in the morning while I ate cheetos and red wine and watched Star Trek. Maternal Bliss (*not*).
Jami Jordan-Humphreys - August 10th, 2013 at 9:08 AM
no you are not alone.. by any means.. not going to elaborate, just wanted to tell you what a BLESSING you are Jen. Your writings always bring a smile to my face and joy to my heart. You my dear are quite a TREASURE!!! Be Blessed today sweetie! and thank you.. just for being you!! God Bless :) :) :)
Laurie - August 10th, 2013 at 12:34 PM
At times like these you must be longing for the simplified days of "Seven" (unless beer was one of your seven ingestible items)! Thanks for the laugh!
Angela - August 10th, 2013 at 2:30 PM
Oh my land!! Not alone, not alone. Carry on!!
Sara - August 10th, 2013 at 3:30 PM
two things:1) Most manly underarm products are deodorants only- no antiperspirant (that took, like, five times to get the spelling!)

"Beer is proof that God loves us"- Benjamin Franklin, who will never be as black as Abraham Lincoln ;)

You make my face hurt and my eyes teary, Jen Hatmaker. Brava.
Shelby - August 10th, 2013 at 4:04 PM
I just finished my makeup for a girls' night out. I now have to completely reapply because I cried it all off when I was laughing SO HARD.
Heather - August 10th, 2013 at 4:52 PM
I'm attempting to dye my hair. Blue.

But it is coming out green.

This is my day. Yours at least sounds more purposeful. LOL.
Ellie - August 10th, 2013 at 5:46 PM
Can't stop laughing/crying/laughing/crying!!! Bwahhhh.
Leigh Ann - August 11th, 2013 at 12:30 PM
Hilarious. But I'd still buy your house, as long as the laundry and teenagers didn't come with it. :)
Star Traci - August 11th, 2013 at 2:26 PM
First, I hear you totally on the deodorant issue. I've defeated many! Sorry about the showing but truthfully, that's how all important days work out for me.
Finally, your husband loves you. Enough said.
:-)
Traci
emily - August 11th, 2013 at 7:09 PM
oh man..we've all had days like this, haven't we?? so glad you shared this. I am laughing out loud and my children are just staring at me like i'm a crazy woman
wendy pierman mitzel - August 12th, 2013 at 8:50 AM
I felt a connection to your frenzied style of getting through funny situations. I posted something similar on my blog WordsPerMinute when my best laid plans got thwarted by an ear infection and a trip to Target.

http://wpm-wmitzel.blogspot.com/2008/03/candace-you-inspire-me.html

Enjoying your wisdom every week - Wendy

Heather - August 12th, 2013 at 10:45 PM
Why do we have plenty of medicated gold bond which nobody wants because everyone wants baby powder which nobody has??
Greg - August 13th, 2013 at 9:08 AM
My Wife made me read this. :) I am a good husband, but I just don't get it... :)
Bridget Sabo - August 14th, 2013 at 3:43 PM
Getting a new blog post from you is a total present. Except that its a real present, not that hackneyed phrase that gets trotted out whenever something mildly pleasant occurs. Its a freaking awesome, no way, for real present. Anything that can make me laugh this hard and feel this connected is A-mazing. Feel proud sister. You just made a whole big bunch of people's day better.
Emily Nelson - August 14th, 2013 at 4:04 PM
This is encouragement gone amok. And it has a sports connection so hopefully you ladies can follow me out there! (was that just a sexist comment?) I live in the San Francisco Bay Area and follow the San Francisco Giants (yes, the former World Series Champions, but please don't remind me of their record, I KNOW.) I was walking in SF and there in front of me was Pablo Sandoval, the third baseman!! He is hard to miss as he is this round, Venezuelan guy. And he had just parked a car that had 48 on the rims (Pablo's number). And he had a Giant's Championship sweatshirt on. He was walking right towards me so I pretended I had to text something right there and then and secretly took a picture of him. I didn't want to be on of those lame fans, I wanted to encourage him, so I said, "This is your day! You guys are gonna do it!" (Losing streak, schmoosing streak) He looked at me sideways and said, "What?" All the chippier, I chirped, "You're gonna hit a home run today!" (He is a home run king!) Still looking confused, he turned away. Maybe there was a language barrier, I thought. I quickly texted all my family. And all my friends in my contacts. Especially the friend who is a HUGE Giant's fan, Scot. Amidst all the "That's so cool!" texts I got one from Scot that said, "That's not Pablo. Too skinny. That's probably Machi." Who is also a round, (but apparently not AS round) Venezuelan. And he's not a hitter, he's a PITCHER, and the likelihood of him hitting a home run are nil. And on top of that he just got reassigned so he's no longer in the bullpen. I guess he could understand English. All too well.
Amber - August 14th, 2013 at 10:31 PM
I was laughing out loud!!! You must know this:

1. I feel your pain with our house on the market and a 2 year old and a newborn.
2. Seven changed my life.
3. I told some friends and now three have read it/bought it.
4. We are thinking of forming a Council.

TMI? Sorry. Just needed to tell you how inspiring you are.

Janice - August 15th, 2013 at 3:15 PM
God forbid you had to hide your beer before shooting a "Christian video!" Why exactly were you hiding it if you are writing about it for all your blogging world to see? Your motives confuse me!
Becky - September 3rd, 2013 at 4:18 AM
She is only trying to be respectful of the organization shooting the video. She knows this conservative group won't want a beer in their video.
Bethany - August 16th, 2013 at 8:42 AM
There is a muscle in my neck, right under my chin - a muscle that I am only usually aware of after watching Jim Gaffagin talk about McDonalds or having four babies. Anyway, I am very aware of this muscle now, as it is very sore from the best kind of laughter - swaying, crying, squawking, holy laughter. Thanks!!!
Beth - August 16th, 2013 at 11:05 AM
You are hilarious. End of story.
Hannah - August 16th, 2013 at 4:56 PM
Oh my word. This post...just too funny. I had a pause-and-laugh moment here-->"and I froze, as if these were the dark days of the prohibition and I was on the cusp of a raid." Couldn't continue for a good minute. I love writing that makes me do that.
Sarah - August 16th, 2013 at 7:28 PM
tears of laughter. oh my. this is too much!!
Kris - August 17th, 2013 at 11:32 AM
Thanks for that laugh!
Pit stain advice: Mitchum (green container) plus dress shields. You can buy the pin on kind (mine have acetate lining so the wetness doesn't come back through) or just use (flat) nursing pads or mini pads. Nursing pads are very absorbent. They aren't quite the right shape, but if you pin them in there, they work pretty well.I got this particular bit of advice from the saleslady at Dillards...when I was looking for dress shields. Dress shields are not sold in stores much and are expensive when they are. I found some on the internet (Kleinert's) I am a teacher, and it is definitely no fun having the kids point out that you have a wetness problem! :0
Yita - August 18th, 2013 at 2:27 AM
Loved it! So needed that. Like a window to the soul of my crazy house. My husband doesn't believe me that crazy is normal with 4 young children. He thinks we've taken on an insane asylum. Ha! Thanks for making me feel a normal. PS. the only reason I have time to leave a comment is 'cause they're all asleep!
Wendy - August 18th, 2013 at 11:02 PM
My mascara is burning my eyes from the laughcrying. Thanks for the endorphins released by this imagery.

Side note: I'm married to a man who spent hours sweating as a crash test dummy ON HIS BIRTHDAY for a PR event I was running featuring the Jaws of Life.

He also shaved a mustache to be a very convincing Abe Lincoln at my request. He thought he was to appear before one class but he appeared before an auditorium full of elementary students, teachers and parents. One of the kindergarteners came to him, wide-eyed and breathless saying, "I thought you got shot." Casting all history and reality aside, he replied, "No, I'm okay!"

Maybe he and Brandon can hang out.
Faydra - August 24th, 2013 at 8:43 AM
I love that Lady Bird got a good nap. :-)
My craziest day as of late involved a during-checkout potty accident by my four year old, parking lot clean-up, and then having to crawl into the trunk of the car from the backseat. Good times.
Kelly - August 24th, 2013 at 9:32 PM
We gave up trying to do normal and correct... now with no expectations we are kicking it awesomely. Too bad we've decided to homeschool this year to save money for adoption... doh they might expect me to actually teach my kids... too bad I don' drink I might need a beer. At least you all look cool doing it... noone can pull off adult sized felt owl outfit like your hubby - counts as a win in my book. I hope tomorrow is just as awesome.
Meredith - August 27th, 2013 at 10:55 PM
Not sure I can top it but I know you can appreciate this one. After a summer nearly identical to the one you described in your most recent post (minus the grand vacation because we built a pool instead of taking a trip - it will be great forever but I will always remember this summer as the one where we didn't go anywhere so we drove each other bat shi$$ instead). So it was meet the teachers last Friday... I spent the morning preparing posters for Scout recruiting while my two year old attempted to potty train herself all day and the six year old wanted to help but is not too great with a glue stick yet. The others are fighting over "screens" or still sleeping. Okay so house is trashed but posters are ready and car is packed with supplies to meet teachers at 4:00. We were determination to do "just one more family activity". Short on cash we opt for Taco Bell for lunch. Dad meets us there (not hungry because he ate out while getting himself new shoes and a hair cut - don't get me started on my rant about "it's not your first day of school, we have six kids to cloth")! Then off to Jump Street - a wildly overpriced place where you jump by the hour. This was a good choice actually - all 6 jumped (age 2-15) and did a little bonding. From there I make fatal mistake, martyring myself for the evening. Dad takes 3 teens to the mall. I agree to take three youngest with me. Elementary school is mobbed. Two year old fell asleep (no stroller). Three loads to bring in - girls scout stuff, cub scout stuff and 1st grade supplies. I look like a warn out dish rag from the day and am trying to greet potential scout families while my three kids are running around (one is heeling around - even got the principals evil eye) the cafeteria. Tried to meet first grade teacher - she thinks I'm nuts. Then we had to gather everything back up and head to a different campus to meet the 3rd grade teacher. Get there to find out his arch enemy, our neighbor, is in his class. He is freaking out. Meet teacher (new to the district so she does not know I'm really a nice person) quickly while stomach is queasy with anticipation of many more freak outs about this water and fire relationship and how it will affect my son's year! Then back downstairs to gather more scout supplies (oh yeah I'd dropped this set off earlier for other parents to set up). My kids are still running around like "those raised by wolves" no matter how many times I calmly ask them to "chill OUT". FINALE: one of the kids friends brings me a diaper. Then another one points and says, "I think she peed on the floor". YEP raised by wolves. I bow my head, desperately ask my children to follow me, sheepishly tell the counselor and point to show her the hazardous material. Walk of shame out the door - where I realize I don't even have the pantyless two year old by my side anymore! Cried and laughed on the way home. My survival strategy is to use self deprecating humor to keep from falling apart. I think we should be friends! (P.S. I live in Georgetown, TX)
Nicole - August 28th, 2013 at 5:30 PM
I just wanted you to know that as I sit here reading your last few posts, "silently" laughing so I don't wake up my napping three year old, with tears streaming down my face, my nine month old is sitting on the floor next to me, staring at me and grinning. I'm almost positive she's thinking, "Mama's lost it, and I'm really enjoying watching the show." Thank you for bringing some much needed tears of laughter into this sometimes-socially-awkward-and-over-enthusiastic mama's day. I've been tired today, and a little grumpy. Now I don't really remember why.
Erin - August 29th, 2013 at 10:18 AM
Oh that was a gift from God. Crying/laughing hysterically. My daughter pooped in the public pool yesterday. I'm feeling better about it now. Thank You.
Tiffany - August 31st, 2013 at 12:48 PM
I have never laughed so hard in all my life! I can not wait for dot mom to hit Chattanooga, TN!
Elizabeth - September 3rd, 2013 at 11:49 AM
Soooo am I the only one here who doesn't have super old beer in their fridge? I mean that stuff gets used as soon as I buy it...
But I do put the baking supplies in front of the liquor in the pantry before my 'church' friends come over ;)
Melissa - September 3rd, 2013 at 5:16 PM
My kids were concerned when they saw tears and heard no noise. Once the noise came, they simply asked me to be quiet so they could finish their after-school movie. Oh father!!! Pay. the. Piper. RIGHT?! Holy cow
Teresa - September 16th, 2013 at 5:50 PM
Oh thank you for your craziness! Thankfully I was by myself, cause I was crying laughing! I don't think I will be buying GoldBond powder! haha! I will be watching your show when it comes out.
Teresa
The Pastor's Wife
Jessica - September 16th, 2013 at 9:05 PM
Oh my word, best laugh I've had in a LONG time!
Enid - September 29th, 2013 at 4:31 PM
Haha!! What a hilarious story!

Glad I stopped by from Ireland!
Amber - October 9th, 2013 at 11:15 AM
Can we please be best friends?! I just found your blog and it is the coolest thing I've discovered since powdered ranch dressing mix. You are such a fabulous writer! "Go in the closet and shut the door" had me in tears; I had to re-read it a few times because I loved that paragraph so much. You have a gift... Thanks for sharing your stories. Love from Utah!
Amanda - March 19th, 2014 at 12:48 PM
This story made me look like a lunatic at work - I was trying to do the silent laugh with tears running down my face!! Hilarious!!
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