Technology for Morons
by Jen Hatmaker on February 25th, 2014

Listen, friends. You know I care about the struggles of this world. I have deep thoughts and big feelings about important issues like orphan care and human trafficking. I realize the world is suffering and we only have so many days on this planet and if we aren’t careful we’ll just waste them all and then die. But I just have to add one more tragedy onto the pile:
 
Trying to figure out technology by myself.
 
Is it so much to want to listen to Pandora on my TV while I’m “working” (Facebook, Twitter, articles, blogs, Pinterest, Amazon, and Voxer certainly DO count as work. They take time and energy, which I am expending and thus am working on them. I don’t know why I have to explain this).
 
The problem is that I am dumb in these areas and Brandon is smart, so he does all this “setting up” and “programming” and “downloading” then he gives me tutorials while I am “working” so its hard to “listen” and plus there are so many buttons and they make me sad. There are usually kids around who are like freakish little technology elves who yank the remote(s) out of my hands and make the music and the shows and the movies magically appear.
 
But the elves were all at school and Brandon was leading “staff meeting” and wouldn’t answer my text about the Pandora crisis because he is incredibly selfish, and I was left to my own devices, which I’ve tried to explain is always the beginning of bad things.
 
So I went to my one-stop shop for important news, tutorials, advice, and information: Facebook. "Will Facebook please help me get Pandora to come out of my TV? Because I’m listening to the Ben Howard station on my iPhone speaker and it sounds slightly worse than a radio transmission from a World War 2 plane." I will sum up the advice I received:
 
Turn on your Blutooth through your Smart Samsung with the VeVo app and run it through Chromecast (THE BEST!) and pull up the Pandora app on your phone/Direct TV/Apple TV then push the menu button or the Extra Button or the App Store and there you will find the Hub button and also the arrow button to select your device, and additionally the things with the Bluray and Xbox and the HDMI settings. And obviously, if it is FiOS, try widgets (obvs).
 
Because Jesus is still in the miracle business, I clicked a bunch of buttons and found some special place on the TV to download Pandora and login with our account info. Perhaps you remember me mentioning that Brandon does these things, so all our “account information” is somewhere in his brain. Of course, I sent a second emergency text to access this knowledge, but he was still locked in a quagmire of self-regard with his “work” and ignored me again. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, sleep on the couch, man.
 
So I used my mental powers to imagine what his login choices were. Here is the important place to mention the absolute suckfest it is to use the arrow buttons on your remote to “type” in long bits of information on a virtual keyboard. Let’s see, when I need to use the @ sign or a . or an uppercase letter, I have to click down to access a different screen which is like every fourth letter and then FOR THE LOVE OF TINA TURNER I hit "enter" on the wrong character and have to go to the “delete” key and back up four letters and apparently it is too complicated for the TV to have a ".com" button and would rather us switch screens four times to enter that rarely used bit of information, so it takes me approximately 73 hours to enter Brandon’s email address. (Really, dude? You have to include your first AND last name? Do you know how angry I get every time I have to fill out your long email address on the 983,343 forms I’ve filled out for our children since they were born? Never mind. You don’t even know what I’m talking about. They just magically get enrolled, signed up, sent to camp, sent on field trips, adopted, medically released, educationally assessed, treated, registered, and logged into the system. You may be the Technology Person, but I AM THE FORM FAIRY.)
 
So because this little game was a GUESSING GAME, after finally entering his email address which required approximately 91 buttons, I tried a password because this man may be a smart about these things but he is a Predictable Password-Picker, so I knew I had three to choose from. But after entering the email and password and hitting “log in,” if it is wrong because some helpless, ignored wife is trying to break into your account,  it reverts you back to GROUND ZERO and you have to start over and there was weeping and gnashing of teeth and also curses and damnations.
 
Of course the correct password was the third one I tried out of three, so I basically turned old and shriveled while hunting and pecking for forever, thinking, you know what? We have figured out how to fuel cars with corn, and we can’t do better than this? Why don’t our TV’s have Siri? Do they hate her? She IS a terrible speller and subpar listener, but I would like to be able to say to my TV, “TV, please figure out how to play my Pandora. Thank you and have a nice day.”
 
But then a miracle happened. I finally entered the stuff correctly, and Pandora popped up on my TV. It was, certainly, how Peter must have felt when he walked on water. These are identical scenarios. I rescinded all the bad thoughts I’d been directing at Brandon who wasn’t there for me in my time of need and sent him the good news because sometimes I need him to know that I am a Smart Person and Have Useful Skills and Can Do Things:

This reaction was underwhelming. I have to praise my own self with Emojis?
It’s like he doesn’t even understand me.

I see my future as a grandma for whom technology has long outpaced her and it is terrifying, since that is basically who I already am. I will be like my dad who once told me my website “wasn’t on his internet.” My people will make fun of me and text each other the questions I ask and take dibs on who has to help me next time. Brandon already can’t stand me in this department. (You guys, as I type this, my phone is blowing up with all the events and appointments Brandon has been putting into our iCalendar the last 10 minutes. Bless him. How on earth have we stayed married for 20 years? I just fielded a phone call from my dentist about a missed appointment this morning because I lost my paper calendar two weeks ago and have no idea where I am supposed to be for the rest of 2014.)
 
So as technology marches onward, someday I’ll be that baffled, confused grandma who is a recurring character on “When Parents Text” and Brandon will probably have lost his mind and I will have no music or emails or whatever newfangled thing the young kids will have invented. But you know what?
 
I made my TV play Pandora LIKE A BOSS today. Don’t cry for me yet, Argentina. 
 


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133 Comments

Kelley Mathews - February 25th, 2014 at 12:02 PM
Siri for TVs. Excellent idea! Now, what's playing on Pandora??
Meg - February 25th, 2014 at 12:03 PM
In my family, I'm Brandon and my husband is Jen. And I agree - we should totally be able to talk to our TVs and have them respond. It is the year 2014, people. I don't think it's too much to ask.
Carol - February 25th, 2014 at 12:03 PM
Oh my gosh you are a breath of fresh air!!! You crack me up. Thank you for being so real and authentic! The need so much more if this!!!
Laurie - February 25th, 2014 at 12:04 PM
Of all the lines you have written ( gazillions) that have made me laugh loudly, "Don't cry for me yet, Argentina", is my all-time favorite!!! By the way, I love all the IF stuff too. =)
Cre - February 27th, 2014 at 8:59 PM
Isn't that too hilarious?!
Krista - February 25th, 2014 at 12:06 PM
I have never been the first to comment on ANYTHING but I. LOVED. THIS. I needed the laugh today. Thanks for the lightness.
Jen - February 25th, 2014 at 12:07 PM
Solidarity- that is all!
Laura Pearson - February 25th, 2014 at 12:08 PM
Congratulations!!! I'm applauding you!!
Heather - February 25th, 2014 at 12:08 PM
I. Love. You. So funny!
Katie - February 25th, 2014 at 12:08 PM
I think the new Xbox one has this Siri type of feature, you can just tell it what to do. But it costs a bajillion dollars...
Ryan - February 25th, 2014 at 1:05 PM
Pretty close. Siri and similar technologies are able to parse sentences so you can vary what you say and it can more or less figure it out. Xbox One has a few dozen set commands that you can't vary from. For example, if you want to turn it off and you say Xbox Off instead of Xbox Power Off, or Xbox Skip instead of Xbox Next when in the Music app, it doesn't do anything. Still pretty amazing once you learn the commands (even with a speech impediment it gets me right about 98% of the time on the first try) but there is still a curve of having to learn commands rather than just talking however you want to it. I wouldn't be surprised if in a year or so it is full natural language processing.
Dana - February 25th, 2014 at 1:45 PM
It does! XBoxONE all the way!
Jen - February 25th, 2014 at 4:21 PM
True story: we got the Xbox all set up for voice commands, and it would do every single blessed thing I asked of it except turn the channel to HGTV. I asked it 15 different ways and nothing. It's a conspiracy and the reason I can't have nice things.
Jill - February 25th, 2014 at 12:10 PM
It is sort of the reverse in our house. I believe that my husband still thinks technology is going to "go away" even though he uses it daily to run his business. So when things go wrong they "yell" at me. Like "WHY ISN'T THE CABLE WORKING"? And I sure don't know because I don't work for Comcast but I bet you can jiggle the wire on the back of the television as easily as I can to get your precious Super Bowl back...
jeannett - February 25th, 2014 at 12:11 PM
If my husband tells me if I put some stupid appointment into Google Calendar one more time...when I HAVE A PAPER CALENDAR ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER...I will gouge my eyes out with a chopstick.

And I also missed an appointment yesterday. Details.
Mommy Life After Ph.D. - February 25th, 2014 at 12:11 PM
You and me both!:)
Carol - February 25th, 2014 at 12:12 PM
Love this...AND YOU!! You are a ROCKSTAR!! :)
Misty - February 25th, 2014 at 12:12 PM
I can't live without my paper calender either. I have 3!!!! Have no desire to use my calender on the iphone (that's only for texting and calling), and please don't ask me to add something to my "outlook" calender at work either.......ain't gonna happen!
Jenny - February 25th, 2014 at 12:13 PM
Thanks for the much needed laugh today! I am in the same boat and don't know how I got here. I feel like I could program a VCR better when I was 8 then I can figure out verizon widgets today! And my hubby gets frustrated I don't remember the hundred or so diff processes on our 'smart' blu ray, Mac, iPad, PC, kindle, and iPhones!
Jennings - February 25th, 2014 at 12:14 PM
This is SO my husband, but I'm afraid if I send it to him, he'll be insulted! hahahaha! I did send it to the kids, though. Cause we're the ones texting each other the questions he asked and taking dibs on who will help him. This is a man who once had a panic attack because the "paperclip guy" (remember him, back in the early days of Word?) had disappeared and apparently the whole computer was going to come to an abrupt explosion immediately. I love him dearly, but he does add much amusement to our lives when it comes to technology!
Megan - February 25th, 2014 at 12:14 PM
Smiling from the same corner Jen! I started college in the "still putting quarters into a Xerox machine to copy articles in the library" generation and by the time my 4 year degree was done, I was in the "everyone needs email" generation. I feel like I missed the boat by just a few years as far as "knowing stuff" regarding technology. I muddle through, heck I even had a blog at one time, but the constant need to keep up on the newest and latest and also understanding all the fancy terms for things...I got laundry to do!
Amanda - February 25th, 2014 at 12:14 PM
I too am the form fairy... I feel your pain... Laughing so hard!
Mrs. Fishguy - February 25th, 2014 at 12:18 PM
the FORM FAIRY! Love that.
Joyce Courtney - February 25th, 2014 at 12:18 PM
Crying with laughter. You nailed it!!! :D (I have to praise my own self with Emojis?)
Teresa - February 25th, 2014 at 12:19 PM
Thank you thank you for giving me the exact words to relay to my software engineer techie husband! Who like yours is equally as selfish while at work! I go through the exact same thing, I'm glad it's not just me :-D
Valerie - February 25th, 2014 at 12:19 PM
I laugh at this and you only because I am the same!!! I feel fairly intelligent until I try to watch a movie on our living room TV and my husband has 4 different remotes for this. I miss the old days of on and off
Kristina - February 25th, 2014 at 12:21 PM
I feel like I'm a totally different kind of mess. I THINK I know technology, but I have no idea. Last night, I walked out of the office and declared that the internet was down. My husband did nothing. Nothing. Then he sighed when I told him my expectation was for him to get off the couch and fix it for me. Bless him. He is a good man. And the internet is working again.
Amy - February 25th, 2014 at 12:22 PM
Imagine if Dante had, like me, made the change from PC to Mac. Oh, the tragic poetry that would've benn written. Big Mad Props to you for figuring it all out!!
Jessica - February 25th, 2014 at 12:23 PM
OMG! This is SO my life!
Joan - February 25th, 2014 at 12:28 PM
Yup. My life. Last week my small boy was trying to add "money" to his PS3 account to "buy" a "golden player" (?!?) and he couldn't access it via the online menu and because he automatically asks mom for help for EVERYTHING he asked me how to do it. Before I could even laugh, my big boy says to him "Dude! You're asking MOM?!?!?" Enough said.
Katie - February 25th, 2014 at 12:29 PM
Have you seen the episode of Modern Family where Phil tries to teach Claire how to use the remote? If not, stop whatever you are doing and do so. Hopefully Brandon doesn't make up little songs to try and help you remember his tutorials :)
michelle - February 25th, 2014 at 12:32 PM
We have ongoing strife in our marriage about my clinging to my paper calendar and refusing to use iCal. I'm 38 and feel like giving up on technology. I want a wood cabin, deep in the woods, to live out the rest of my no-technology life. ;)
Mike Rusch - February 25th, 2014 at 12:35 PM
It's like my wife wrote this. Tell Brandon that he's my hero (and sure...Pandora on your TV is a big deal also)
susanelizabeth - February 25th, 2014 at 12:36 PM
I'm laughing so hard, I almost peed my pants. Uh, oh, wait..maybe I did. And before I jaunt to the potty, may I say, THIS IS ME IN A NUTSHELL, 'cept, you're one up on me, I DON'T READ OR CAN NOT follow directions, oral or otherwise due to a brain thingy. I.Am.Totally.Screwed!
Leigh Ann - February 25th, 2014 at 12:37 PM
I think we might be the same person. I once patiently explained to my son "I don't have that icon," and he said, "OK, start at the top and tell me what your icons are in order ." It was the third one down.
Tiffany - February 25th, 2014 at 12:38 PM
Um, this could not be a better descriptor of technology in my house-the husband loves it and is all on top of it, and I am, um...not
michele - February 25th, 2014 at 12:39 PM
Bless. You. I do needed this laugh today! My heart feels considerably lighter after having laughed & laughed at finding out there is another Form Fairy I'm existence!
Patrice - February 25th, 2014 at 12:41 PM
I love it Jen, you are amazing!!
Virginia - February 25th, 2014 at 12:41 PM
I saw a commercial for a TV which accepts voice commands! But then our world would be missing entertaining blog posts such as this. Boo.
Sharon Howat - February 25th, 2014 at 12:42 PM
Where do we order our Form Fairy t-shirts?
Sara - February 26th, 2014 at 1:16 AM
But that would require filling out another form.... ;)
Diane - February 25th, 2014 at 12:46 PM
I feel your pain. Also incredibly jealous that you have up to date technology. Our TV was free (from my father-in-law, who was upgrading ), is almost as old as I am, and weighs 300 lbs. I do still have a tape deck as well. At least my phone is smart.....
Rachel - February 25th, 2014 at 12:46 PM
That text message = every text conversation with my husband.

me: long, witty text message that probably took me too long to type because of my arthritic thumb I already have at age 28.
him: one word...or one letter answer
me: long series of emojis giving myself the response I was looking for in the first place.
Chris - February 26th, 2014 at 8:42 PM
I feel your pain--my hubby actually started texting just the letter "Y" instead of even typing out the entire word "Yes" when I would text him a question. But once I started answering all of his questions around the house with "Y" rather than saying the full word "Yes" he finally got it (after a few hours of wondering why I was asking him "why" instead of answering him . . . LOL!)
casey prince - February 25th, 2014 at 12:48 PM
My husband bought me a speaker that he set up with Bluetooth so all I have to do is hit power and it will play whatever is playing on my phone as long as I am in the room. He says he bought it for me but I think it was really so I didn't try to mess with his beloved TV and send him a text like yours planning to mess with settings.
Amy - February 25th, 2014 at 1:00 PM
My seventeen year old is better than the hubby in this department. He was fixing something for me the other day and I said, "You know you're going to be doing this for me for the rest of your life. Right?" He didn't even look at me as he kept working. "Yes, Mom, I know." Bless him.
Jen - February 25th, 2014 at 1:03 PM
I just forwarded this to my tech master husband since this is my story down to the texts and the curses and damnations and the FORM FAIRY (which will henceforth be common vernacular in my household). Solidarity, sister.
Melissa - February 25th, 2014 at 1:07 PM
yes. this.
LaDonna - February 25th, 2014 at 1:15 PM
Okay Form Fairies: I am the mother of two (who have graduated high school) and this is my suggestion to you. Get a rubber stamp made with your email address, or put it on return address labels you can print out and place on all those little forms. It's not hard and will save several thousand brain cells and keep your carpal tunnel from kicking in every August. Just saying ~~ where there's a will....:)
Shellie - February 25th, 2014 at 1:34 PM
Brilliant! I'm so doing this in the very near future! :)
Shelia - February 25th, 2014 at 1:40 PM
As a fellow Form Fairy, I learned one very helpful thing. IF your kids all need the same form (Doctor's office, school, camp, etc.) on ONE form fill out the common information: address, phone, contacts, etc. THEN photocopy it for the number of kids you have/need the form. Finish up by putting in the personal information per child and save yourself a writers' cramp experience. (I wish I could say I learned this on the first go 'round. Nope. But thank ya, Jesus, I'm a quick learner!)
Heather - February 25th, 2014 at 8:02 PM
Unless your school is pure evil and sends each form home on a different color of paper. Unless you happen to live inside a Kinkos, there's NO way you have all of those colors to use the Xerox shortcut (which is brilliant, by the way). I hate that school for a few hours every August!

Susan - February 25th, 2014 at 1:18 PM
You have a way of saying what we're all thinking Jen. Thanks for the laughs!

Betsy - February 25th, 2014 at 1:21 PM
Ha, I'm with you! My husband just bought me a new mac, and I'm searching everywhere for the little spot where you put the cd in and he informs that doesn't exist anymore , as if I am living in the dark ages! (: My 12 yr old had to help me hook up the computer to the tv for 'home church' on Sunday! And my kids are constantly getting on to me for not 'updating my apps' while I yell- stop touching my phone- I like my apps just like they are!
Jeni Mathews - February 25th, 2014 at 1:25 PM
I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE me some Jen Hatmaker! You make me laugh and pee my pants all at the same time :) We would so be best friends if you lived in Southern Indiana. Thanks for brightening my day. May the God of all technology continue to smile on you today.

Anne - February 25th, 2014 at 1:26 PM
You are living my life. Blast. It feels good to know there are other technologically-challanged smart women in the world.
Dana - February 25th, 2014 at 1:30 PM
Amen to all of this!
me - February 25th, 2014 at 1:30 PM
Oh, Jen! My husband can't figure out email and I have now re-explained it to him about 1,357,982 times. Expecting to hit 1.5 mil before the end of February!

If you want some additional "work", tune in to berry.edu and click on the eagle cam at the bottom right and become addicted to watching for the next baby eagle to hatch.

I asked a friend how to put it on my TV screen &, bless her technical husband's heart, here are the wonderful instructions that I'll never be capable of following:

"Computer (laptop) will need an HDMI port on it. Plug HDMI cable into laptop port and plug the other end of the cable into an open HDMI port on the TV.
Just to check the connection, switch the TV input to the HDMI port where the laptop is plugged in. What you see on the computer screen should now be visible on the TV.
Then, assuming the TV has picture-in-picture capability activate the PIP, then choose the regular cable box port for one screen and choose the HDMI port where the computer is connected as the other screen and both should be available. Unfortunately, our TV would not let us select two HDMI ports at the same time (one for each PIP screen). Don't know if this is a limitation for all TVs."

I'm lucky to get Tivo to work! Renewing passports for internationally adopted children today. This FORM FAIRY is overwhelmed! Blessings!
Sandy Cooper - February 25th, 2014 at 1:32 PM
The funniest thing I've read in a very, very long time. Probably since your End of School Year post.

My family bought me a Mac Pro Air for Mother's Day last year, and it sat in the box for--I don't know--5 months. Because I was afraid of it.
Alicia - February 26th, 2014 at 2:02 PM
Okay. My husband and his sweet self bought me a light thingy you can hook on a book to read in the wee hours. For Christmas. It is on my bedside table. In the box. Because if I open it, I'm pretty sure my brain will be taxed. He offered to "fix it" for me. I told him I'd do it. But, pretty much the same. I'm scared of a flashlight.
Kasey - February 25th, 2014 at 1:37 PM
You are hilarious! And I've been having this crazy epiphany about your personality (as such is displayed in this post) - you remind me of the character Lorelai Gilmore from the show, Gilmore Girls (yes I'm 33 and yes I still love their reruns!). It's perfection. Our very own, real life Lorelai. My world is complete.
Nina - February 25th, 2014 at 1:37 PM
Oh my word! So funny! Those directions from Facebookers remind me of the time I got lost on my first night as a new resident of St. Paul. I ended up in some dimly lit industrial park asking the guy in the guard shack for directions back to the highway, and he starts speaking in easts and wests. Seriously? I stopped mid-direction and said, "I'm LOST! If I knew which way was east right now, I wouldn't be talking to you!"
Katie May - February 25th, 2014 at 1:38 PM
I just like that you were listening to Ben Howard. An excellent music choice! :)
Kathy - February 25th, 2014 at 1:56 PM
I think I need Brandon to show me how to follow your blog. You're hilarious and I want to write like you when I grow up.
Sue - February 25th, 2014 at 2:10 PM
Alas, the abilities of these "smart" devices will always be limited to the "smartness" of their owners.....I'm doomed :(
Sonii - February 25th, 2014 at 2:57 PM
I had the same issue trying to download my son in law's new worship cd from iTunes today, with apple iTunes passwords and security questions, paypal passwords. Thank God for iTunes assistance since husband was giving me the one word text answers :( Why can't they make it simple ? I even missed Downton Abbey Sunday night because the Dishnetwork was all messed up and husband was out of town :( Don't tell my grown kids, they think I am technology challenged :(
Kristy - February 25th, 2014 at 3:14 PM
Gracious you speak to my soul with this. I am recently on my own with technology. My husband was the expert. It took me an hour to hook up a new tv and get it to have video in color and with sound. Cripes. And last night the xbox wouldn't recognize my router or some nonsense. I have no clue what I did, but it finally worked. My 5 year old will be taking over soon in this area.
Rachel Toalson - February 25th, 2014 at 3:14 PM
I'm laughing so hard. This is totally me and my husband, too. When I'm home with my kids, the 3-year-old will say, "Mama, can we listen to 'What Does a Fox Say?'" and the 4-year-old will say, "Hosea, Mama doesn't know how to do that. We'll wait until Daddy gets home." The good news is, I have a house full of boys, so there will always be someone to call!
Keri - February 25th, 2014 at 3:16 PM
my kids have banned me from using hashtags. #whatevs
Ellen Hopkins - February 25th, 2014 at 3:23 PM
Hahaha! I love this because it sounds just like me and my husband who selfishly ignores me during my crises because of "mandatory" church staff meetings... Those silly men. When will they learn that they are supposed to be at our beck and call? ;)
Jackie - February 25th, 2014 at 3:38 PM
Sounds just like me and my husband. Kudos for not throwing the remote at the TV and giving up. :-)
John - February 25th, 2014 at 3:51 PM
You win the TECHNO-MOMMA of the year award!!! 8)
Liz - February 25th, 2014 at 4:11 PM
Way to go! I don't even want to tell you that you can actually use your iPhone via Apple TV to type in those fields, which is WAY easier!
Becky - February 25th, 2014 at 4:22 PM
Had to send this to my husband as this is exactly the world we live in and so I knew he would get a kick out of it! His reply back: "Lol, honey i love you, and i am sorry i get selfish and, you know, have to go to work sometimes.. But you do the whole Form Fairy thing LIKE A BOSS!" HAHA! Thanks, Jen, for the laugh today!
Karla - February 25th, 2014 at 4:28 PM
I'm kinda feeling it for Brandon. My hubby sounds like you and I'm more on Brandon's side. He's constantly asking me how to do something in what seems like a basic program to me.
Admittedly, I still need my kids to work the PS3, but my 'puter I've got down.

amy :) - February 25th, 2014 at 7:52 PM
BWAHAHAHAHAHA! My bff texted me after she read this today to tell me I'm like you. Huge compliment for me-sorry for you! ;) (Sooooo wish I had emojis to insert here. Just sayin.) Thank you for you & making a difference-for reals. xox
Keri - February 25th, 2014 at 8:01 PM
I'm the techie person in my house and for my parents. In 1994 I moved to Los Angeles for about a year and came home to find a VCR tape (it was 1994, m'kay?) sitting in front if their VCR machine. "Why is this here, Mom?"

Because the power blinked and the clock started blinking and you were in California and we couldn't set the clock, so we just covered it up... for the past year.
Nancy - February 25th, 2014 at 8:05 PM
You're way ahead of me sister! I haven't figured out how to access (what are they called again?....emojis?...I had to scroll back up to get the right spelling). One of these days I'll get up my courage to download those. Is that what you do? Download them? God help me!
Susan - February 25th, 2014 at 8:05 PM
I am cracking up right now!!! My husband is also a pastor who adds a bizillon appointments and activities to his his calendar on his iPad on Tuesday mornings during staff meetings. He so graciously linked our calendars so that I know his schedule. I am a first grade teacher, and forgot to silence my phone this morning, so all during reading groups my phone is ringing like a doorbell!!! AND.... He is the tech guy. We have a Roko box and an Apple TV thingy. I suppose they are the same thing, I have no idea. We have an universal remote that my kids can operate to get to netflix, but like you said, when I'm home alone, I'm the old grandma who has no idea what to do! So here walks in my husband with me listening to pandora on my phone while typing lessons in my laptop(yes I know how to work that). "Why don't you listen to pandora on the tv?" Um yeah! Let me just throw my phone at you!
Grace - February 25th, 2014 at 8:06 PM
You are way too hilarious for your own good!! I have decided that technology is overrated and I am going to use less of it!
Tara - February 25th, 2014 at 8:11 PM
I'm a support person for telecom engineers. This happened this week: Eng: how do I access X? Me: type the address I sent you into your browser. Eng: what's a browser?! For. The. Love.
Christ - February 25th, 2014 at 8:16 PM
I wish you could see me at my Radical Mentoring group with my giant Bible that I've had since I was 16 (I'm not going to mention that that makes 30 years for it and it has a huge cross on the cover made of bright bling because I LOVE JESUS and everyone needs to know it), my paper calendar, my pens, my book that we read for the month, my notepad, my journal, all packed in my tote...while everyone else whips out their phone with EVERYTHING loaded on it. I feel you.
Christi - February 25th, 2014 at 8:20 PM
And my name is actually Christi, not Christ. That's a promotion I'm not ready for! Sorry for the typo!
Elizabeth - February 28th, 2014 at 1:58 PM
Goodness, I literally just blew snot out of my nose. Hilarious.
April - February 25th, 2014 at 8:23 PM
For anyone that wants to know. If you have an Apple TV (with the impossibly small remote that daily gets lost down the couch cushions or disappears until the 2 yr old wants to run the tv), you can download the apple remote app for iPhone or iPad and instead of pushing 94 buttons you can enter email logins and such with the keyboard.
Dana - February 25th, 2014 at 8:28 PM
FORM FAIRYS UNITE!!!!! Plus, he pulled me kicking and screaming into iPhone land....and if for some reason something doesn't work with the phone (even though that was 3 versions ago) it will always be his fault that I have this phone. I have (now useless since he reconfigured it) hand written instructions that I wrote as he walked me through it on how to use out tv and the dvd player, etc for when he goes out of town in case we rent a movie. I do not know how to change channels on the tv. We don't have dish or netflix or anything since i quit tv when ER and Friends ended. We used fancy bunny ears to watch the olympics last week.
Ashley - February 25th, 2014 at 8:30 PM
I just adore you and I want to be your best friend. You never cease to crack me up! Thanks for this. hahah
Kerry - February 25th, 2014 at 8:32 PM
Pandora can be played through Sonos which is amazing. Apple TV will play iTunes Radio and all your CD's you've ripped to your computer and playlists, etc. AppleTV is awesome!!! Follow me on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/TechmomKerry and you will get all my tips and tricks and no longer feel technically challenged!!! xoxo
robin - February 25th, 2014 at 8:45 PM
You mean I can listen to Pandora on my TV???? Geez.....someone please put me in a time machine and send me back.
Robin - February 26th, 2014 at 8:33 AM
Hilarious! This comment made me laugh out loud. (And not because I knew you could play pandora thru the TV! I think two robins will be in that time machine).
Joanne - February 25th, 2014 at 8:47 PM
When I was young, I said I wouldn't be like my mother, who couldn't hook up the VCR or do anything with electronics without asking my dad, but I am so like her with technology. I have to ask my husband anytime anything happens with our TV (one of those internet connected ones), gaming systems (he's in the industry so we have them all), or the computer/internet - I am so helpless. Thanks for the laugh, glad I am not the only one.
Jenn - February 25th, 2014 at 8:53 PM
This so reminds me of Claire and Phil on Modern Family lol. I was a Claire before I met my fianc but I think I'm a Phil now :) I can figure out most things myself without his help. Which is great because he has zero teaching skills. He just gets mad and frustrated when I don't get it lol.
Angie - February 25th, 2014 at 8:59 PM
Oh my goodness domImhate those stupid input menus on the TV. I kid you not, the password for my internet server or something is 16 letters and digits long with some capitals and other random figures. It really does take 2 hrs to hook up a new device! I've asked a bunch of people if I can change it all of whom have no idea. Ah. Technology. I just need my 3 grandbabies to get a few years older and I'll have it made.
Gretchen M. - February 25th, 2014 at 9:05 PM
I read this to my husband(an IT guy) while he re-programmed our remote to turn on the various devices we use to watch television. All while I scroll through my FB posts and read wonderful and hilarious blog posts! I am not alone! Thanks!
Mish - February 25th, 2014 at 9:20 PM
Our Samsung Smart TV has a voice command button. So we can rewind, change channels, raise volume etc. Etc. It. Is. Awesome...ly Annoying. Yes we SHOULD be able to do thise things, but even tv's that can do this, can not understand what I am saying. I am from the midwest, I have no accent. I don't get and I am a mechanical engineer lol.
Lisa - February 25th, 2014 at 9:22 PM
No joke . . . I gave my husband unlimited funds to get all the remotes working on ONE. I don't know how he did it but we do not have 5 thousand remotes sitting around anymore just the ONE! Your blog spoke directly to my heart and my inept technology gene . . . :)
Lisa - February 25th, 2014 at 10:34 PM
Thank you for making me laugh! I swear you are the voice in my head. You write exactly how I think. We are both hysterical! ;)
Leigh - February 25th, 2014 at 11:33 PM
I thought I was the last person on Earth still using a paper calendar! If my husband was still alive he would so love to read this, Jen. He was the tech guy in our marriage, and bless his heart, tried to teach me how to work all the things. I still have and refer to the detailed instructions he wrote for me. Seriously, to watch a DVD I have to read the sheet that tells me which button to push on which remote. I don't feel badly about my lack of tech skills, because until a smart phone or TV can manage to get a holiday dinner on the table for over ten hungry people with everything hot and visually appealing then my skills are not yet obsolete. Plus, there's that Form Fairy thing!
Jennifer - February 26th, 2014 at 12:00 AM
I feel like I'm reading about myself and my husband! I once called my husband at 2am in the morning while he was on a work trip in Malaysia because I couldn't figure out how to turn our tv on! Life was much easier when there was a phone connected to the wall and rabbit ears on the tv!
Debbie - February 26th, 2014 at 1:18 AM
You bring the best funny! My load is lighter, my day is brighter. Thanks! =:)
Sara - February 26th, 2014 at 1:24 AM
Do you think Brandon could come teach me how to use my technology? Syncing calendars is just too much. Alas, I have forgotten my own Apple password!
Kim - February 26th, 2014 at 2:04 AM
Yes, I will be my dad one day. After he got his first computer, he told me he couldn't figure out how to turn it off (well, yes, dad, you hit the "start" button), so he just unplugged it. Works every time :)
Sue - February 26th, 2014 at 7:29 AM
And there you have the problem- to turn the computer off you hit the start button. (Sigh)
Flower Patch Farmgirl - February 26th, 2014 at 8:25 AM
I'm still not confident that I know the meaning of the word "browser". True story.
Last year I had to upgrade from my flip phone to one where the keyboard slides out and my first two days with the slider had me so enraged that Cory started doing housework just to avoid me.

I also recently confused Neil Diamond and Neil Young in a conversation with cool people, which seems somehow different from this whole "technology" business, yet somehow eerily the same.
Jodi Asadourian - February 26th, 2014 at 8:42 AM
I'm the technogeek in my household and love technology. I'm a reformed mechanical engineer, so it must be in my genes:) For those of you who want to know the most basic tech stuff to simplify your life as a mama, check out my TechniGal tab on my blog for some tips. Comment with any tech questions you have and I will try to answer them.
sea - February 26th, 2014 at 4:26 PM
I can SO relate!!! None of our printers ever seem to work... and I just want my husband to fix them, or a printer fairy to come make them all work!!! :) This stuff is HARD. I get it. :)
Alice Anne - February 26th, 2014 at 11:59 PM
Hilarious! My husband set up our Xbox One and I love that I can just tell it where to go and... it goes! "Xbox, go to Netflix" is my go-to line. Ha ha.
Karen - February 27th, 2014 at 7:41 AM
I love you - you are so me!! I'm not completely horrible with technology. Just some of it. My husband has no patience for it. I want what I want, when I want it and he's usually just not that quick with showing me how to do it. He wants to do it and explain every little detail. I don't need to know why. I just need to know how. Sigh....
jonathan - February 27th, 2014 at 7:43 AM
Stacey, is that you?
Carmen - February 27th, 2014 at 1:04 PM
I am also the FORM FAIRY, and the family tech... and the work tech.... I don't always have the answers, BUT I always get asked the questions.... I don't know why the internet is not working!!! Why do they always ask me?
Thank you so much for this great dose of "real" and so much fun! Laughing is my favorite!
Nikki - February 27th, 2014 at 1:07 PM
Jen, I so get this. When I was pregnant with my 2nd my hubby had to come home from work to "fix" our tv. It took 2 seconds and he never said a word. Bless him. Last summer he was of course out of town when the wifi box came in the mail. We had moved and been without wireless/internet/TV for about 8 days and the natives were getting restless. This mom rocked the set up and still do not feel I received enough praise! Save me a rocking chair!
Amie - February 27th, 2014 at 8:55 PM
I showed my dad youtube a couple years ago on his birthday. He told me it was the greatest gift anyone has ever given him!
Cathy - February 28th, 2014 at 9:29 PM
Crying tears of laughter. So much of this resonated with me it was just hysterical...thank you!!
Alison - March 3rd, 2014 at 12:15 PM
Laughing, hiccupping, snorting. Perfect snow day read...
Ginger - March 4th, 2014 at 6:41 AM
This made me laugh so much! I still use a paper calendar....with highlighters and pretty pens....it's an illness. But God forbid the day anyone takes it away. I would be a lost fool!
Cookie Cawthon - March 4th, 2014 at 10:54 AM
From one technologically remedial gal to another, you owned that beastly challenge!!! Spirit fingers, sister!! We are women, hear us roar and curse the remote!!
Lisa - March 5th, 2014 at 6:07 PM
I laughed 'til I cried because I, too, am THE FORM FAIRY. My husband can do all the technology stuff but give him a form to fill out and he gives up before halfway done, lol.
Cate - March 5th, 2014 at 9:03 PM
A work friend makes fun of me because I don't have fancy cable, a DVR, etc. Yes, I'm one of 10 people in the world who uses a VCR to record my shows. When I saw this I sent it to him - he's heard me talk about you numerous times but this is the first time I've "made" him read one of your blogs. He laughed out loud, shared it with others, and then gave me the best compliment he's ever given me in the 5 years we've worked together - he said that I sound like YOU when I write and speak!! I could have hugged him ... except I have a strict no touching policy at work. I'm so glad you are you - real, funny and not afraid to share it all with us!!
Lisa - March 5th, 2014 at 11:47 PM
Inspirational...and sad...but mostly inspirational!! :)
{sue} - March 6th, 2014 at 6:48 PM
You have mad Emoji skillz.
staci - March 7th, 2014 at 8:27 AM
Interesting that while other parts of the world are suffering you are concerned about getting Pandora to work on your TV in your bedroom....implying you have more than one TV in your house....and your "work" is checking facebook, twitter, and pinterest?

What a tough life you lead..... Sad that they are making a show about you. I hope you represent Christians well and not the stereotypical view that most of the world holds... I have my doubts, but I will no less be watching. You have the luxury of not working (not saying you sit at home and pop bon bons in your mouth, but given all the things you could blog about and do this is what you choose to spend your time doing)? It is just sad.
Launa - March 9th, 2014 at 8:46 AM
I love your blog so much! You are seriously the funniest! Thank you for making me laugh! I needed it today! By the way, I have your "I'm not done yet" post bookmarked on my computer. I've have read that post so many times when seeking comfort. Thank you for inspiring me and reminding me to never give up on God's plan for me!
Jeanne C - March 10th, 2014 at 9:07 PM
Hi Jen,
A friend just included a link from her blog to your blog. This had me rolling! It made me think back to the other day, when my middle school son aked me to email one of his teachers because I hadn't returned a permission slip. Here is a recap of our conversation mere moments before the bus was due to arrive -

Me: Permission slip? What permission slip? You never handed me a permission slip!
Son: I don't know where it is...
Me: Have you looked in your homework folder? Why didn't you ask me about this yesterday? When was it due?
Son: She just told us about it...
Me: (frantically digging through his homework folder) Well, now is not the time to be bring this up...I will have to email your teacher to explain. (with one eye watching out the window for the bus, I grab my laptop and begin to rapidly fire off an email to his teacher)
Son: (now on his Iphone) let me check my school email...here it is! Print this and sign it.

Duh! It was never "sent home" because it was emailed to him as a Google doc to be printed and signed. Would it ever have occurred to me to have him check his email account for it? Not in a million years! Although, moving forward it will.
Guess I haven't yet become a 21st century parent...
Beth - March 11th, 2014 at 4:27 PM
Dearest Want to be "Tech" savvy ~ I resemble those remarks! Loved and enjoyed your post. I am so thankful our Papa God gives us a good sense of humor (He has one too!) so we can laugh at ourselves as the pressures of this techno world continues to spin around us. %uD83D%uDE09 I am a new blogger and even had a post on my blog that I am always "Tweaking" a mess with my blog!!! I've gotten better though...a little bit anyway. It's sure handy to have loved ones (son) close by who can explain things over and over again when you feel like a "lost dog in high weeds!" Sincerely, "Fido-In-The-Meadow"
Donna - March 13th, 2014 at 2:39 PM
Wait. I need help understanding. Did you just compare the tragedies of human trafficking and orphaned children with your inability to get music to pipe through your television? Is this what we (those who call ourselves lovers of Jesus) have become? I don't know whether to weep or vomit. Both are appropriate.
Gracie - March 19th, 2014 at 3:21 PM
What is a widget? Actually......never mind. After reading yourr blog entry and all the comments, I'm a little exhausted. Oh but wait, I don't have to wait for an answer, I can go take a nap and come back later... Okay, then, yes....what is a widget? (I really do not know for real)
P.S. You are my new favorite friend
Harvard Homemaker - March 19th, 2014 at 5:27 PM
You never cease to make me laugh out loud!! My favorite line of the whole post: "These are identical scenarios." LOL! I love your sarcasm, and how even though you take life (and all of its pressing issues) seriously, you don't take everything seriously. Balancing what really matters and having a sense of humor through it all are rare qualities when paired together - but you've certainly managed to do both. Thanks for sharing your wit and your wisdom with us! I know I appreciate seeing both sides of you. :) As a side note - my husband is the techy guru, too. Even worse, I can't even turn on our grill. Lord help us both.
Heather - March 19th, 2014 at 8:51 PM
You're so very funny and I appreciate your humor about this because I also feel your pain. My husband wanted to get smart phones. My one concern is that it would fit in my pocket (it DIDN'T!) But I did finally decide not to send it back after I figured out the calendar. Those new fangled electronic calendars are just beautiful, let me tell you, BEAUTIFUL.
Susie - March 20th, 2014 at 1:12 AM
It must just be in their genes and obviously not ours (generally). I can do a lot of stuff based on what hubby has shown me. I'll never forget seeing my hub double click on a word (after being a computer user for years) to highlight it and being astounded. "Why didn't you tell me I could do that?!" I just can't figure out new stuff on my own! My husband's always trying to show me what he'd do - just look around. I just can't do that for some reason. Just show me. More proof it's in the genes is that my son even at a young age was grabbing the remote doing stuff for me and plugging things in, etc. and my daughter is worse than I am.
Paula - March 20th, 2014 at 7:00 AM
This is exactly what would/did happen to me when trying to set up tv. It took me about 3 weeks to get amazon instant video up and running. About 2 hours a night during which no one could watch tv because I had the menu up the entire time. And yes, the ignoring husband and being the "Form fairy" and family coordinator who "magically" makes our life happen. When we moved cross country with 5 kids, my husband, who had started his new job in the new state 2 weeks prior, flew in and arrived at our house just as the movers finished loading the truck and said, no lie, "Well, that wasn't too hard!" Luckily for him, the fatigue of single parenting, having our home on the market, and packing the entire house left me too fatigued to clobber him. Back to technology, I seem to emit a force field of some sort which causes most technology to malfunction in my presence. Even if I am doing it completely correctly, it won't work, and then someone else (husband or know it all child) comes up and does EXACTLY what I've been doing, and voila, it works.

And as I went to hit submit on this comment, the submit button literally vanished! So I copied it, reloaded the page, and tried again.
Hilary - March 26th, 2014 at 8:54 AM
Too funny! Reminds me of the time I babysat the 2-yr-old neighbor who asked for a very specific Mickey Mouse episode on Roko (???) After watching me struggle for 15 minutes with the monkey on the remote, he grabbed it and did it himself.
What's Pandora????
And yes, I'm a paper calendar girl.
Shelli - March 27th, 2014 at 8:27 PM
100% yes!
Debbie - April 3rd, 2014 at 9:48 PM
Oh the trials and tribulations of our first world problems.
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