If I Were An Advertiser
by Jen Hatmaker on April 14th, 2014

Undoubtedly, one of the best features of our new DVR/On Demand/Netflix world is the ability to watch our shows and skip the ads. I mean, all the good commercials will get posted as a Youtube video on Facebook, so the wheat will separate its own self from the chaff, and we won’t miss such gems as this:

But inevitably, ads slip through. Sometimes we just cannot wait and we must watch a live show and suffer through the commercials. Clearly, these are the dark struggles of life. (Don’t even get me started on the limited amount of Pandora skips. It’s like the universe hates us. WHY GOD???)
Now I’m just going to make this observation: most ads are for morons. More specifically, only fools are going to bite these dangled carrots. Really? Your mousse product will not only battle this Texas humidity and turn me into a hair model but will also make people laugh hysterically at my wit? Who knew I was that funny? And look at all these young, good-looking friends my new hair attracted! Let’s run through a field together laughing hilariously over our shoulders at one another while our hair bounces and shines!

I have some information to pass on to advertisers. I am here to help you. I realize that sometimes when you’re locked away in your labs, you can forget about us, regular consumers who live in the real world, but I’m here to remedy that. We would like you to know that our brains are actually functional, and furthermore, we have a decent grasp of the English language, including words that you’ve made up that aren’t actually a thing. I’d like to save you some time by offering up the following marketing tactics that don’t work on us.
Yes, a good deal of us are getting older and some (ahem) are turning 40 this summer and we don’t care to go gently into that good night. I know. Fine. True. You’re onto us. However, when you peddle your products with made up words like “collagen modules” and “liposome spheres,” you make us have angry feelings. When you tell me that your “synthesized skin-identical ceramides will visibly turn back the hands of time on skin damage,” I would like to know if you were actually there in my teens and 20’s when I put oil on my face and refused to wear sunglasses so as not to get an irregular sunburn tan? Am I to believe you so deeply understand my particular brand of irresponsibility that you can reverse decades of solar tomfoolery? With your ceramides? Stop it. Unless you have a time-traveling DeLorean, these wrinkles and sunspots are here to stay.
I realize you also have ideas about correcting my “lipid layers” (a poetic rebranding of “fat”…well done), but the promises of “radiance and luminosity” sound rather farfetched. I am already fairly luminous because I live in Texas and for about eight months of every year, I enjoy a healthy sheen of sweat on my “epidermis,” but thanks anyway. Please choose adjectives that I actually want to resemble. (And also decide if we want to be “radiant” with your one product or “matte” with your other one. Pick a lane, Cover Girl.)
Another thing. Regarding your celebrity endorsers: The day that Jennifer Lopez actually styles her hair with Loreal EverSleek and Julia Roberts loads up her eyelashes with Maybelline is the day that magazines stop casting 22-year-old models in anti-aging ads (“The only thing that will help this college student fight the evils of aging more than our expensive cream is her PHYSICAL AND BIOLOGICAL YOUTH!”). This is horse-crappery.
Advertisers, we don’t believe for one second of one minute that these wealthy, famous women who actually travel with aestheticians and masseuses on their permanent payroll are fetching their beauty products from Walgreens. We know that Sarah Jessica Parker did not color her hair with Garnier Nutrisse Natural Shades #60 Light Natural Brown. We would rather you just said, “Gwyneth Paltrow doesn’t actually use our lip gloss, but we’ve included a picture of her in our advertisement because she wants you to know that she thinks fondly of you while she herself has her lips injected with the actual blood pigment of fairy babies.”
Listen, we would prefer you just talked real to us. We might actually believe you if you said, “This product will neither enhance your chakras nor transform all of your troubled relationships, but it might mostly remove the hard water stains in your bathtub. That’s about the most we can do here.” Super. Even better if you cast a tired-looking mom with dirty hair and torn yoga pants scrubbing the tub with an expression that makes sense for the task rather than a coifed lady in ironed linen capri pants smiling at her bathtub like this is the most fascinating moment of her day. I have never one time in my life been delighted while scrubbing my shower. I hope this makes sense to you.
Inversely, Creators of As-Seen-On-TV Products, you can probably tamp down the utter defeat your actors experience when struggling through ordinary tasks like using the remote control with their arms trapped under an unwieldy blanket (#struggle) or slicing a tomato. I’m not sure these challenges are incapacitating an entire generation like your market researchers have led you to believe. “Chopping vegetables the old way” doesn’t actually “take forever,” and I’m not sure “eliminating one of cooking's most frustrating tasks with the innovative EZ Egg Cracker” has its finger on the pulse of the average cook’s ability to, well, crack an egg on the side of the bowl without a nervous breakdown. I’m just saying your ads are fairly high on drama and low on actual felt needs.
Maybe the problem could be solved if the As-Seen-On-TV people just market to the celebrity endorsers and skip us altogether, because they have real troubles that need addressed. Why, just recently Gwyneth lamented the age-old frustration with Parisian concierges: “When you go to Paris and your concierge sends you to some restaurant because they get a kickback, it’s like, ‘No. Where should I really be? Where is the great bar with organic wine? Where do I get a bikini wax in Paris?’”
In the meantime, I have one inch of gray, lovely readers, so I’m off to color my hair with a boxed dye, which I know will have stunning and otherworldly results, because Cameron Diaz uses the exact same brand.

What advertising tactic gets your goat? Because I didn't even mention pharmaceutical ads which is A WHOLE THING.

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Dawn B - April 14th, 2014 at 1:44 PM
I'm with ya'! The ads that get to me the most are those for pads and tampons--s if anyone looks or feels good on those days or that any specific brand of either will make my period a happy, carefree time--rather than the time everyone avoids me and leave me in my big, baggy clothes to sit with my heating pad on my cramping body...
Mitzi Arellano - April 14th, 2014 at 1:45 PM
"Pick a lane, Cover Girl!" Hahahaha! I never know which one I'm supposed to choose either!
Carliss - April 14th, 2014 at 1:47 PM
Do one on the pharmaceuticals. Please. I'm begging. ASK YOUR DOCTOR ABOUT ------. PLUS the bonus of rattled off barely audible side effects: yourhairmayfalloutyoumaysuffocatetumorsweirdnetherregionproblemsnauseadiarrheahotflashesnightsweatskidneyfailure
Jessie S - April 14th, 2014 at 1:56 PM
Yes, I agree. Pleeeeeeeeaaaaseee. Can we get a petition going?
Angela - April 14th, 2014 at 4:37 PM
here here!!!!! "This will help your blood pressure, but you may have an out-of-body experience while hallucinating, you may think elves are in your closet, talk to your doctor if you suddenly poop out your uterus"
Jimmie - April 14th, 2014 at 5:20 PM
Connie - April 14th, 2014 at 5:33 PM
Busting a gut laughing, Angela!!!!

Donna - April 14th, 2014 at 5:58 PM
laughing hysterically too Angela, and don't forget, may die!! geez i'll just take the stinking migraines or aches and pains seriously!!
Colleen - April 14th, 2014 at 7:36 PM
Angela, seriously, I'm DYING laughing!!!
Tracy - April 14th, 2014 at 8:47 PM
Thanks for the gut-busting hilarity Angela! Still laughing ....
Kristi - April 14th, 2014 at 8:47 PM
Awesome sauce right there, Angela! Laughing... HARD!
Amy - April 15th, 2014 at 7:59 AM
OMG Angela! My husband and I just love to
listen to the horribly side effects that they spew out at lightening speed. SNL does a funny bit about that!
Katie - April 15th, 2014 at 8:50 AM
This thread is pure awesomeness. Angela, bless you for helping a sista smile!
Jen J - April 14th, 2014 at 7:53 PM
Oh my goodness. I'm dying!! Laughing. Angela. My favorite side effect of all time is "oily flatulence.". Can't remember the drug ad, but they should have just said "greasy farts."
Dawn - April 14th, 2014 at 9:41 PM
Dying.. Really. Greasy farts??!
Donna - April 14th, 2014 at 10:43 PM
"Contact your Dr if you feel a sudden urge to gamble." That was an ad for drugs for restless leg syndrome. Seriously, a sudden urge to gamble?! What kind of drug does that?!
Jennifer D. - April 14th, 2014 at 1:47 PM
For the love, advertisers, please stop shouting at me!! I hear enough yelling, hollering and CHECK-THIS-OUT-ing from my children. You yelling at me actually makes me want to buy your product. In fact, it makes me want to do the opposite of that....(I'm picturing Joey wearing all of Chandler's clothes right about now).
Lisa S - April 14th, 2014 at 2:13 PM
"You hide my clothes, I'm wearing EVERYTHING YOU OWN!!!"
Lauda - April 14th, 2014 at 2:23 PM
Could I BE wearing any more clothes? :D
Mel - April 14th, 2014 at 2:42 PM
ohohohohoh I LOVE this!
Jennifer D. - April 14th, 2014 at 3:23 PM
I'd better not do any lunges....
Judi - April 14th, 2014 at 3:32 PM
I feel like doing some lunges.....
DanielleD - April 14th, 2014 at 4:02 PM
Indy - April 14th, 2014 at 7:47 PM
That is SO not the opposite of stealing someone's underwear!!!
Gwen - April 14th, 2014 at 1:48 PM
Dieting commercials. Enough said!
Dawn Wharton - April 14th, 2014 at 1:49 PM
BIG huge bow to your greatness! THANK YOU for reading my mind! My husband is a Dermatologist and he gets his own particular kind of funny out of the promises of product commercials. He has been known to say " there isn't even a laser strong enough to do that".
Ebony Arts - April 14th, 2014 at 3:05 PM
Beth Bates - April 14th, 2014 at 1:50 PM
I so desperately needed to laugh out loud this afternoon. Thank you for this. And puh-lease do the pharmaceutical post!
Meaghan - April 14th, 2014 at 1:50 PM
I really, REALLY don't want to explain to my five-year-old daughter what ED is and why those old people are in a bath tub in the woods%u2026.

And, of course, Hardees super-sexed-up hamburger ads%u2026.I hate you.
Lea Ann Lust - April 14th, 2014 at 2:58 PM
I've been married 24 years and I have never once found myself in a bathtub on the side of a hill....not sure how that's a " intimate moment" ....
April D. - April 14th, 2014 at 3:22 PM
And separate tubs at that.
Jen - April 14th, 2014 at 6:32 PM
He probably wouldn't need the ED medication if they, you know, got in the same tub ;)
Stacy - April 15th, 2014 at 4:54 PM
Julien Jamar - April 14th, 2014 at 3:06 PM
Krisanne - April 14th, 2014 at 1:51 PM
Love this!!! What about the Nissan commercial that touts zero gravity seats? What is that???? And does Kelly Ripa really use her oven herself? Doubtful.
Donna - April 14th, 2014 at 2:08 PM
Well, those aren't her real children so why should it be her real oven?
Lunch lady - April 14th, 2014 at 10:02 PM
right! She doesn't use an oven because she doesn't eat. She looks like a fairy. My 11 yr old could take her.
Evelyn - April 14th, 2014 at 1:51 PM
BAHAHAHA. Yes. I love you, Jen Hatmaker.
Amber C. - April 14th, 2014 at 1:52 PM
My favorite is the ad that encourages me to peacefully "fall asleep on the wings of Lunesta" but then proceeds to disclose that users have reported incidents of driving while sleeping.
Penny - April 14th, 2014 at 4:53 PM
Maybe we should fall to sleep on the wheels of Lunesta instead? I mean, the majority of us don't fly :-)
Lori H - April 14th, 2014 at 1:53 PM
Yes, please write a post on pharmaceutical ads, because I can always use another laugh as big as the one this post caused :) Is anyone out there comfortable with the ED ads or the lovely sounding meds that have a laundry list of potential side effects? And yet the actors in the commercials are grinning like Cheshire cats the whole time? I dislike local ads the most...they reach new levels of cheesy advertising. Does anyone else hate the PC Matic ads??
Candice - April 14th, 2014 at 2:12 PM
OHSOTRUE. Can't even turn on my TV because my kids repeat everything and I will not explain to a 5 year old what ED is. I did my time with the whole Bill Clinton/intern scandal which I had the honor of explaining to my grandmother.
Tone it down, television. Some of us are just trying to live our lives.
Rachael B - April 15th, 2014 at 2:13 PM
For pharmaceutical ads, I think it is really fun to repeat the side effects succinctly as the commercial airs. So you are looking at very happy people going through super-happy-life while repeating loudly: "death", "12 hour E", "suicide", "death (again)", "feeling of sadness", "wakefulness", "irritability"... (for an antidepressant) It gets everyone in the room in on the action and they very happy people look like clowns.
michelle - April 14th, 2014 at 1:53 PM
This is hilarious but I actually have huge feelings about advertising and consumerism. This didn't evolve out of our needs but rather out of the need for people to make us THINK we need things. Thank you for writing this is a way that made me laugh. My kids and I love to mock commercials. ;)
Erica - April 14th, 2014 at 1:54 PM
RIGHT. ON. What gets my goat? It was some Coke commercial that played a lot less summer which basically said if you don't have anyone to go to a summer concert with, then Coke is the best buddy you can take with you, because apparently they want you to believe you can have an ACTUAL RELATIONSHIP with a BOTTLE OF COKE. Oh my word%u2026all caps out of nowhere. Makes me angrier than I thought%u2026.the sad part is that there are people out there who really DO cling to Coke (or any other food) to fill a void only actual people/relationships can fill.
Kristin - April 14th, 2014 at 1:56 PM
I hate the PSAs about how you need to get a pertussis booster TODAY or you will, inevitably, kill your own or someone else's baby. Way to load on the Mom Guilt, like we don't already have enough. (This does not mean I'm either endorsing or protesting vaccines, I'm just saying).
Erica - April 14th, 2014 at 2:19 PM
No but we REALLY need this. Why? Because I can name exactly zero children who have pertussis right now or who have had it in the past year! It's an epidemic.
MG - April 14th, 2014 at 3:27 PM
I hate the ads too, but that's not exactly true. Every 7th grader at the school where I teach got it last year...the booster apparently wasn't strong enough. I got it too, and so did an elderly teacher and a pregnant teacher.
Mel - April 14th, 2014 at 7:17 PM
well shoot, my 5 month old did have it this winter. But then so did all my bigger kids who already had the vaccine.
Sarah - April 15th, 2014 at 4:15 PM
I hate when that commercial comes on when I'm in the other room because I always freak out and think that the baby in the commercial coughing is actually one of my kids coughing. It's seriously gotten me about 5 times.
April - April 15th, 2014 at 8:50 PM
They played that commercial at our church-once-and I couldn't handle it. That cough through our huge sound system was horrible!
Dee - April 14th, 2014 at 1:57 PM
Oh, the pharmaceutical ads are the BEST!! One drug will cure just about anything, as long as you escape the adverse reactions like bleeding ulcers, "certain cancers"(that's a good one), and thoughts of suicide!! :)
Emily - April 14th, 2014 at 1:58 PM
All toilet paper commercials MUST go!
Jill - April 14th, 2014 at 2:37 PM
EXCATLY. No, Quilted Northern, we don't need to get real about what goes on in the bathroom. I don't want to know what goes on in anyone else's bathroom!! JUST STOP IT.
Rachel - April 14th, 2014 at 2:51 PM
This is my least favorite commercial.
Robin - April 14th, 2014 at 3:24 PM
Angie - April 14th, 2014 at 6:11 PM
Exactly! Because who's NOT buying it?
kate - April 14th, 2014 at 1:58 PM
Jocelyn - April 14th, 2014 at 2:00 PM
My husband loves to laugh at me as I become visibly angry when watching commercials that use sex to sell decidedly un-sexy things. Like really, Hot Pockets, you need a sexy girl in a low-cut red dress pouting and touching her hair and talking about how she "likes it hot" to sell convenient freezer pizzas? Please. It's so demeaning.
Danielle - April 14th, 2014 at 3:42 PM
And while I'm happy that they upgraded from a meat-like substance resembling pet food to something humans should actually eat I wish Hot Pockets wouldn't put "Nice to Quality Meat You" on their crisping wrappers. It makes my teenager snicker and my younger kids wonder what's funny. :/
Amy - April 14th, 2014 at 2:03 PM
My frustration is the commercials on channels like Disney! The quick and effortless manipulation of a 4 year old who really wants to be a princess is ruthless. I'm blessed that Hannah has a decent grasp on reality (for a 4 year old at least), knows things "cost money" even though they are magical on television and that people are starving so we probably don't need ANOTHER palace pet. BUT it still makes me mad. That and every fast food commercial ever made - especially the ones with models eating big nasty burgers. I mean really.
Amy W - April 14th, 2014 at 3:54 PM
I hate the ones about potty training on the kids' channels. Why are you showing a toddler pooping in the tub? Or one splashing his pee all over the floor? My kids don't need these ideas planted in their heads!!!
Toni Fisseler - April 14th, 2014 at 2:04 PM
Thank you! I'm not a runner, but if Erin Andrews came up to me on the track asking about my digestive health and then whipped out her bottle of probiotics from her waist band, I would probably think she was off her meds. Seriously advertisers, get a clue!
Sage - April 14th, 2014 at 2:04 PM
The As-Seen-On-TV ads are the worst! They are truly filled with drama and overacting, trying to make the "old product" seem like it hasn't been working for years. Key examples: Tearing saran wrap from the box, it's been done for years. It's not that hard! Let's not forget about TV trays. If you can't sit with the old style tray, and know your feet fit underneath without tipping the tray over, then you just don't need one. Not saying the sliding one isn't convenient, but the old one is just fine as well. LOL
Suzanne - April 14th, 2014 at 9:18 PM
Wait, there's a thing for Saran Wrap? Because my truly brilliant engineer husband cannot. He could star in an infomercial.
Jennifer - April 15th, 2014 at 11:54 AM
Suzanne, that just made me laugh right there!
Andrea - April 14th, 2014 at 2:06 PM
Oh my goodness, Jen!! The pharmaceutical ads are un.be.liev.able!! Side effects may include lymphoma (um, isn't that CANCER?!?!), but by far, the BEST drug ad had to be for Xenical...you know that drug you can take to lose weight? Side effects include, and I quote, "gas with oily discharge, increased bowel movements, an urgent need to have them and an inability to control them." What the what?!? Mercy. Thanks for the laughter today :) And I agree with Meaghan...I will never EVER eat at Hardees because their commercials make me want to vomit.
Christie - April 14th, 2014 at 7:42 PM
So funny! Totally forgot about Xenical commercials. It doesn't sound like something I'd be interested in taking :/
Carrianne - April 14th, 2014 at 2:08 PM
Carl's Jr, who says that eating a cheeseburger like a slob will make you so sexy and desirable, oh only if it is their burger btw. (Insert eye roll) or the pornographic underwear ads that actually get prime time coverage once a year. #readyforheaven
Shelley - April 14th, 2014 at 2:08 PM
Where do I buy this "blood of fairy babies" because that would totally help with my...wait...that's not where you were going with this, is it? Because if Jen Hatmaker says I need it....I NEED it! ;)

The new texting while driving promos are a bit of merry sunshine added to my day.
Marietta - April 14th, 2014 at 2:08 PM
Thanks for standing up for us, Jen! Comparison steals our joy even when the comparison drawn is so often so false. The ads that get me are the crackers and cereals supposedly made with tons of grains, but when you read the nutritional panel, there is one gram of fiber or less per serving. They have to have at least 2 grams of fiber per serving to make it into my cart, so that makes the choices easy because there are so few that have that much. Consumer beware!
Alyssa - April 14th, 2014 at 2:11 PM
Every fragrance commercial. I have yet to hear a single person say that they were drawn to his/her spouse's perfume/cologne and that's how they met and fell in love.
Jennifer - April 14th, 2014 at 2:15 PM
Jen, I want to thank you for making me smile today and giving me renewed hope that my writing will one day again be funny. I'm walking the path of grief after losing my husband of 20-years to a heart attack last September. I'm doing good and my four kids are doing good. But my blog and my writing are about that journey right now. It's what God is walking me through. But then I read one of these delightful gems with your fantastic style and realize that someday I will again write about nonsense and laughter and things like this. Thank you. You've blessed my heart today.
Carol - April 14th, 2014 at 2:20 PM
Well, where to begin! Ditto to your post and all the above! I also dislike the pad and tampon commercials simply because the makers of said items thing women do not know that these items exist in all our stores throughout this great land. Once again, thank you for your straight to the point honesty!
Tasha - April 14th, 2014 at 2:20 PM
"If I can't beat *another car dealership's* price, then I'll just GIVE it to you."
Yes...instead of just knocking $10 off the price to beat the competition, they will GIVE YOU a $20,000 new car. I don't think so.
Alyssa - April 14th, 2014 at 2:24 PM
My favorite was when the bullet blender thing came out and the infomercials made it seem as if using an actual blender was THE most difficult thing to do on the entire planet. If you can't wash, operate or even hold parts of a blender without disaster, you might have larger problems than a bullet blender can solve. Just sayin'.
Leslie - April 14th, 2014 at 2:24 PM
The toilet paper commercials that tell us to "enjoy the go" have me so confused. Is that clever? Funny? Or just nauseating? I can't decide. What I do know is that some moments should remain private, and "the go" is one of them.
Susan - April 14th, 2014 at 2:26 PM
Can I also just add that not everything needs its own hashtag? #LookingAtYouTampax #YouTooCharmin
Megan G - April 14th, 2014 at 5:54 PM
Seriously. Some CEO is like "we need to use Twitter to sell our products. I want one of those hash thingies on every commercial."
Misti - April 19th, 2014 at 6:39 AM
That drives me nuts...it's especially annoying when people do it on Facebook and #hashtag #everyword #listenpeople #icantdecipher #runonsentences
Arlene - April 14th, 2014 at 2:30 PM
Pharmaceutical ads that imply if you take this drug for that disease you will be able to play soccer with those kids .... Tried it. Uh no...not even close.
stephanie - April 14th, 2014 at 2:30 PM
how about the nonstop erectile dysfunction med commercials. for the love. now my 9 year old boy is asking his 7 year old brother if he needs Viagra because its on every 5 minutes on sports center. I'm pretty sure every male in American is aware of the availability of these medications we can stop the ads
Lucretia - April 21st, 2014 at 2:50 PM
And what is the deal with the husband and wife sitting in separate bath tubs holding hands?! That scene is in every commercial for every brand of ED medicine. Is it a message that only men understand???
Jenni McCadams - April 14th, 2014 at 2:32 PM
Hilarious. Pharmaceuticals, yes. Is there anything we can do to make the cartoon bladder go away?? So gross. . .
the.mrs - April 15th, 2014 at 9:07 AM
baaaahaha. YES! Just had this conversation with my 9 year old.. after we watched the whole commercial, she said "Is that a cartoon bladder?" Oh, I die.
Kristen DeMarco - April 14th, 2014 at 2:33 PM
Hardees burger commercials wheres theres some sexy girl or guy taking a big juicy bite out
of a sandwich. I mean, does sex really sell burgers?! Its so gross!
Im willing to bet those actors arent gorging themselves on 120grams of greasy fat yet still continue to look as hot as that!
I always feel corrupted when I see it!
Angel - April 14th, 2014 at 7:41 PM
I hate the Hardees commercials so much. Loather them, actually. Sick.
Bellamy - April 25th, 2014 at 2:04 PM
I hate the Hardees ads so much! It's crazy that I have to worry about my 9 y/o son watching a fast food commercial. I know I'm likely not their target demographic, but there's no way I'll go to Hardees after having to sit through their porno commercials. (Oh my goodness I sound old.)
K. - April 14th, 2014 at 2:43 PM
Thanks for the laugh Jen and yes, please do the pharmaceutical post. Annoying commercial story - Last night I was watching TV with my boyfriend and his VERY CONSERVATIVE parents - the new eharmony commercial came on with the people seriously making out in the hotel room on their anniversary...I frantically searched my brain for some conversation starter to divert attention from the tv - I had nothing...took awkward silence to a whole new level in that living room - if an ED commercial had aired at that moment, I.would.have.died.
Amy - April 14th, 2014 at 2:44 PM
Tampons. I have yet to insert a tampon so magical that I'm inspired to back flip off a diving board at a neighborhood cookout while wearing a white bikini. Every month I wait for it to happen, and nothing.

(disclaimer, I am an advertising copywriter by trade. Please don't hurl fruit. It pays the bills and buys me non-magical tampons, people.)
Aubrey - April 14th, 2014 at 3:37 PM
Amy, you are my new favorite.
laura - April 14th, 2014 at 4:28 PM
Oh man. You just won the blue ribbon among these comments. I was laughing so hard, tears were streaming out of my eyes. Then my 14 year old son came in and asked what was so funny.
Amy - April 14th, 2014 at 4:45 PM
Please tell me you told him anything but the actual thing you were laughing about. Poor boy will never ask you or anyone on the planet any question in the history of ever again.

It's like when my husband knocks on the bathroom door and asks "Whatcha doin?" Oh ya know, knitting you some fingerless gloves. If the door is shut, just trust things are occurring that will make it difficult for you to find me attractive for at least seven days.
Jessie S - April 14th, 2014 at 5:17 PM
oh my gosh ... you are my new favorite now too, Amy.
Judy - April 14th, 2014 at 11:44 PM
LOVE!!!!! Bwwwaaahhhaaaaaaaahaaaaaaaa! "Every month I wait for it to happen, and nothing" heee hee "trust me things are occuring that will make it difficult for you to find me attractive for at least 7 days".....oh. my. word. laughing so hard :)
Sarah - April 15th, 2014 at 2:30 PM
You are the best commenter ever. That is all.
Rhonda - April 15th, 2014 at 6:53 PM
Cracking up!

mel - April 24th, 2014 at 6:35 PM
You have a fantastic sense of humor! Laughing so hard I have treats in my eyes! Thanks!!
Sarah - May 3rd, 2014 at 8:52 AM
"Treats" in your eyes? lol That is funny as well.
Emily - April 25th, 2014 at 12:57 PM
Amy, can you please have a permanent spot on the commenter list of Jen Hatmaker's?

I guffawed at your comments.

Barbara - April 14th, 2014 at 9:41 PM
I used to be a big fan of the "Get Fuzzy" cartoon, and the ad copy writer in it kept a list of products whose ads were so bad he wouldn't buy them. His friend in the same business saw it one day and said, "hey - that one's YOUR ad!" and the guy said, "Hey, I can be ashamed of my own work, too."

That said, your post gave me one of the biggest laughs of all, which is saying is lot! : ) (Non-magical tampons... my 9-year-old calls them "period sticks." I think she's a little afraid of the train she sees coming.)
Amy - April 15th, 2014 at 9:27 AM
Period sticks. I think she has a firm grasp of the joy that awaits her. Or hey, how 'bout cotton candles? White dynamite. Hormonal parachutes. I think we're on to something.
Charline - April 17th, 2014 at 5:16 AM
Melissa - April 16th, 2014 at 1:25 PM
My grandmother used to keep a list of commercials she hated!. We laughed so hard when she showed us! Two I remember were "Quilted Northern" and whatever that thing was that would shout "RANCH" for the salad dressing.
kelli - April 15th, 2014 at 12:09 AM
This is the best. I've never felt that desire, either.... although I am doing a blog post promoting Kotex pretty soon. Hey, it pays the bills right?
Amy - April 15th, 2014 at 9:24 AM
High-five Kelli. You write that Kotex blog with your chin high. It isn't always a proud moment, but Nutella ain't free.
Carmen - April 15th, 2014 at 3:52 PM
Amy I'm in serious "like". Do you hire out to do weddings, reunions, bar mitzvahs?!? I'm still crying with laughter here. Thank you Jen!!! You have ALL made my day/week!! Bless you and your non-organic concierge, hair color, wine, bath tubs, tampons, toilet paper, and various other sundries I am sure I don't know I am missing from my bleak life. ;)

Amy - April 15th, 2014 at 5:50 PM
Carmen I could just hug ya. My humor stems from a chubby childhood. A girl's gotta be witty when she outweighs her buddies by twenty-five pounds. I'm slimmer these days, but my inner chubster bubbles to the surface with a joke fairly often. I love that girl.
Jamie - April 15th, 2014 at 6:04 PM

I'd love to help you buy some non-magical tampons. And by that, I mean, want to do some freelance writing for me? Seriously. If so, find me on Facebook (Jamie Clauss in Huntsville, AL). :)
Amy - April 15th, 2014 at 8:43 PM
Jamie, you must be a gunslinger. Offering work based off a random comment thread, I already like ya. I'm in somewhat of an exclusive writing agreement, but don't let that stop ya from reaching out. Birds of a feather and all... I'm under Amy Hopkins-Williams on Facebook. But I think my settings are wonky. If so, try Amy Williams - Author.
Stephanie - April 17th, 2014 at 9:57 AM
Oh Amy... You win the prize for best comment in the history of EVER! :)
Jenny - April 14th, 2014 at 2:50 PM
The papertowel commercial where the mom ENCOURAGES her kid to blow bubbles in the chocolate milk...PLEASE! There is no papertowel strong enough to make that a reality.
Tonia - April 14th, 2014 at 3:27 PM
Oh my goodness THANK YOU! I feel like such a curmudgeonly bad mom every time that commercial comes on because I would never let my kids do that!
Beth - April 14th, 2014 at 9:47 PM
I believe that mother is probably taking some of the wonderfully advertised pharmaceuticals.
Coleen - April 23rd, 2014 at 11:45 AM
I was hoping I wasn't alone in my incredulation. Reminded me of the mother in "A Christmas Story" thinking it's funny to let her little boy eat like a pig at a trough. I was afraid I was just old and cranky. The mother's just happy she gets to use those super absorbant towels.
Jennifer - April 14th, 2014 at 2:52 PM
Haha - so many lines in this make me laugh! (Which I'm assuming the advertisers will be delighted about b/c then they can sell me a cream for my laugh lines one day).

Patty - April 14th, 2014 at 3:01 PM
Well I just saw a commercial for a contest to win a free prostate exam. Now there's a dose of reality....when you no longer enter contests to win a cruise or a trip, you have risen to a whole new level of maturity.
Andi - April 14th, 2014 at 9:29 PM
Cannot. Quit. Laughing.
Lynn - April 14th, 2014 at 3:14 PM
You ladies are hysterical! Thanks for the laughs!

ps I've broken up with Carl's Jr - I'm sick of their burger eatin' cleavage in my face.
kathy - April 14th, 2014 at 3:16 PM
Oh my.... just saw a commercial for Poise microliners... two moms sitting in the audience at what appears to be a school assembly discussing SAM (Super Absorbant Material)... how SAM knows how to take care of a woman... how they want SAM in their pants....SERIOUSLY???? Exactly how does this support the rampant feminism PC culture???
Kris - April 18th, 2014 at 9:05 PM
I just saw that commercial too. Sat there with my mouth hanging open and couldn't believe what I was hearing. I didn't think it was funny at all and felt very uncomfortable with young teenagers in the room. I will never buy this product because of this commercial! Even I felt uncomfortable watching it! Wow, who even wants to watch a commercial for micro liners? Do you want Sam in your pants?
Michael - April 18th, 2014 at 11:42 PM
I'm the father of two teenaged daughters. I felt the same way when I saw this commercial during an episode of "The King of Queens" on TVland. Everyone tries to push the envelope when it comes to sexual innuendos. I'm tired of it!
Robin - April 19th, 2014 at 10:15 PM
arrgh! I am about to jump ship with Pandora!!!!!

I cannot stand this ad. It's demeaning and stupid.

Anyone joining me?
Alex - April 14th, 2014 at 3:19 PM
I hate on medical commercials when the model always describes her illness as "moderate to severe." Like she has all of them in that range. It's like they are trying to cover all bases of all clients without hiring multiple actors. So ridiculous.
Chelsea - April 14th, 2014 at 3:22 PM
HA! Yes! I really hate 99.9% of commercials. However, I felt truly appreciated when I saw the Charmin toilet paper ad of a 60 second "commercial break" (during the olympics) of a zamboni cleaning the ice rink. Advertising with a real purpose. Perfect!
Jill - April 14th, 2014 at 3:27 PM
This is so funny! I love what you wrote and am cracking up at all these comments, too. :) My 10 year old daughter was quoting a Viagra commercial the other night. Something like "now is the time in your life to TAKE CHARGE with Viagra." I just let that one go, there was NO WAY I was going to try to explain what Viagra is or does. I do get a kick out of hearing the side effect "if you have an erection lasting more than 5 hours, contact your doctor." Wow, that's just...wrong. And probably quite uncomfortable.

Also, you know that mattress jingle that goes, "Why buy a mattress... anywhere else?" My daughter sings along, but thinks it says "Can't find a mattress ...anywhere else!" :)
Garry - April 14th, 2014 at 3:43 PM
I hope a guy's input is ok here, because I agree with you. The one that is really annoying me at the moment is some drug for mature women that is supposed to make sex more comfortable, and I see it every day during the morning news and prime time programming. And please don't think me sexist, because I feel the exact same way about all the ED commercials. I just love it when these pop on the TV in front of my 13 and 10 year olds.
Dawn S - April 14th, 2014 at 4:14 PM
Oh, Garry. I so agree.
Tara - April 14th, 2014 at 3:47 PM
Jen, this post is gold. One of my favorite bonding moments I've had with my dad over the years is making fun of idiots on infomercials. Then I found a buzzfeed page with nothing but GIFs of stupid infomercial people. I sent it to my dad and it's probably his most favorite email I've ever sent. So here it is for all of you to enjoy! http://www.buzzfeed.com/julianbrand/40-gifs-of-stupid-infomercial-people-6eof
Amber - April 15th, 2014 at 6:37 PM
Haha! Thanks, Tara! That was awesome.
Robin - April 14th, 2014 at 3:48 PM
Super foods are not a thing--it was a marketing term invented by advertisers so we would buy different fruits than most consumers were focused on at the time they decided to push it. Now when people brag about the super fruitiness of their products I eye roll and sigh. Old fashioned blueberries, cherries, grapes and oranges have the same health benefit and I can actually pronounce those and usually find a sale on them somewhere!

Also, can we stop using the term "sexy" on everything--now it's even on food channels--a place that used to be family friendly. Now chefs are calling their risotto, mashed potatoes and polenta, steak and everything else "sexy"--there have to be other adjectives that sound less ridiculous for food! Really!
Flower Patch Farmgirl - April 14th, 2014 at 3:49 PM
What happen to Gwynnie's "natural vibe"??
Must have been the dang Parisian concierge's fault.
Bethany - April 14th, 2014 at 3:51 PM
Pharmacy ads can be summed up in the song lyrics "everything that kills me, makes me feel alive."
Jessie S - April 14th, 2014 at 3:53 PM
Just saw a commercial with Sofia Vergara for head and shoulders and thought of you Jen Hatmaker. lol!
Christina - April 14th, 2014 at 4:03 PM
How about the maxi pad commercial that brags they are made of organic cotton and natural aloe. Huh? what the blazes? I want to call them and say "Um, you DO know what we use these for, right?" So long as it's not made of sandpaper, I don't give a hoot what they're made of so long as they work!!!!!
Robin - April 14th, 2014 at 4:03 PM
http://www.buzzfeed.com/julianbrand/40-gifs-of-stupid-infomercial-people-6eof and http://www.buzzfeed.com/jessicamisener/29-reasons-to-instantly-feel-better-about-yourself both have hilarious infomercial fails! The collection is staggering!
Gary - April 14th, 2014 at 4:11 PM
Uh, Jen!
" Join Jen as she introduces a refreshing new way to learn and laugh while forming a deeper relationship with God's Word. A Girlfriend's Way to Bible Study will make you laugh out loud as it transforms the academic nature of personal Bible study into a fresh, simple format that will radically change the way you interact with Scripture forever. "

Dawn S - April 14th, 2014 at 4:12 PM
If I never saw another ad for feminine hygiene products I would be so happy and relieved. Either that, or you can come explain to my 6 year old son specifically what they are for - because he is 6 and, no, we have not had that talk yet. Or Viagra. Please, please, please no more Viagra. And, really, if that little magic pill is supposed to bring them together, why are they lounging on the beach in separate bathtubs?

Ergh. Moving along...
Lori - April 14th, 2014 at 4:12 PM
Ha. Very true.

Was recently watching Jeopardy with my teenage boys and a commercial for a woman's contraceptive device came on television...yes, a very descriptive contraceptive commercial...describing all sorts of somesuch that my teenage boys DO NOT NEED to hear about during Jeopardy for crying out loud! I would've settled for a poorly made hair color commercial or even a Viagra commercial at that juncture. Give me Netflix anyday over the having to watch regular television with filth for commercials.
laura - April 14th, 2014 at 4:16 PM
Oh, man. The comments today are every bit as good as the blog. Love Jen Hatmaker fans.
Vanessa - April 14th, 2014 at 4:16 PM
What about the Kleenex Cotton Wipes where the British woman who is asking people in a bowling alley how they like using the moist wipes on their bums and proclaims that she "Likes a clean alley."? It's just uncomfortable to watch with my 9 and 5 year old boys...
VB - April 14th, 2014 at 4:19 PM
Do you love the "bacon bowl" commercial with the healthy option of a turkey filler? For the love, people, you are eating a bowl made of bacon!
Robin - April 14th, 2014 at 4:23 PM
This post is hilarious and the comments have me rolling. I do hope you write the pharmaceuticals one. Like the antidepressant that causes increased chances of suicide, especially in young people. I'm confused about the purpose of antidepressants, apparently.

And am I the only one who hates The Most Interesting Man in the World and his arrogant conceit? His most recent, "There are some things a mattress is not SUPPOSED to remember." with two young hotties clinging to his arms makes me want to scream.
Shirley - April 25th, 2014 at 10:48 PM
People who are severely depressed, generally won't commit suicide ,they don' t have the energy or the motivation. When they start taking anti-depressants, they can start to have more energy, yet are still depressed and may have the motivation to act.....hence the risk... but if they can get past that phase, the anti-depressants can help.
Rachel - April 14th, 2014 at 4:48 PM
Secret for Pandora skips! (The rest of the post was great too.) I heard a secret that I have yet to try, so don't hold me to it. But apparently you can have unlimited skips on Pandora if you listen to it in an "incognito window." At least in Chrome, go the the top right to the three green lines. Open that and open an incognito window. These don't trace your information and I've heard it allows you to skip unlimited.
Barb - April 14th, 2014 at 5:07 PM
Another 'As seen on TV' ad that I hate...It's a roll out garden. The people in the ad are huffing and puffing as they attempt to 'dig' (unsuccessfully) in the garden. But the roll out garden is an eye searing, butt-ugly collection of flowers you can have anywhere! ugh. I hat the whole thing. See it for yourself here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8bFt8bHy8dI
Kelly - April 14th, 2014 at 7:36 PM
Hilarious! "In weeks you'll be surrounded by pure flower torture".
Beth - April 14th, 2014 at 5:30 PM
I hate any commercial that depicts people doing something the "hard" way first - fumbling and failing, rolling their eyes and sighing - then doing something with the "easy" product and having no trouble at all. The actors go out of their way to look like complete rubes! ;-)
Jill Richardson - April 14th, 2014 at 6:08 PM
The ones that insist I can buy the love of my children with their amazing whatever. How insecure do they think we are? Or how insecure are we, really, that it works?
Tawn - April 14th, 2014 at 6:13 PM
I just watch them and think:
1. This is is the best the ad company came up with!? and
2. Some company paid for that ad.
alison - April 14th, 2014 at 6:26 PM
Oh em gee. You are hysterical. Horse-crappery.
Courtney - April 14th, 2014 at 6:46 PM
This comment section is all kinds of awesome today.
sherry - April 14th, 2014 at 6:47 PM
"Smoking dope!" My husband and I have this code for "What were those ad writers thinking?" I'm especially bothered by the ads that make men/husbands/dads look stuuuuupid and uncoordinated. Also the ads that celebrate children misbehaving/being disrespectful. But that's just me. I'm old (68).
Melissa - May 2nd, 2014 at 12:09 PM
It is NOT just you, Sherry. I hate the whole "dumb-man-smart-woman-saves-the-day" angle. Can you imagine the outcry if that were reversed?
Jen - April 14th, 2014 at 7:05 PM
Brilliantly funny!
Kelly - April 14th, 2014 at 7:26 PM
This guy cleaning his ears is my absolute FAVORITE of all time. I can't get over how much it hurts!!!!!!! {insert dripping sarcasm}
Enjoy! >>>http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Htbo1yW6qeU
Lisa - April 14th, 2014 at 7:27 PM
How about those low budget ads for Colon Flow? I really don't need to hear about "holding up to 4.5 pounds of fecal waste" while I'm munching on a late night snack. And the dreaded "belly bulge"?? (spoken in a booming, dire warning kind of voice). Ugh. Make it stop.
Jami - April 14th, 2014 at 8:03 PM
The one with the bear with toilet paper crumbs on his hiney. Save us.
Sarah - April 14th, 2014 at 9:20 PM
TMI! Yes those bears are so awkwardly inappropriate!
Cheryl McB - April 14th, 2014 at 8:50 PM
How about the moving banners across the bottom of the TV screen? It's a wonder we don't all have seizures with so much movement going on.
Liz P - April 14th, 2014 at 9:01 PM
After reading these comments I am so glad that we do not have most of those ads on TV here in Australia!
Katie - April 14th, 2014 at 9:05 PM
Thank you, Best Friend!
Julie - April 14th, 2014 at 9:10 PM
"If you or someone you know has died while taking this drug, then stop taking it." Ummm ok.
Zuleyma - April 15th, 2014 at 12:54 AM
Yes and if I died, I wouldn't be watching this commercial to know that I can sue!

Dolly Mink - April 14th, 2014 at 9:15 PM
And why are people actually more surprised to find a Swiffer at their front door than the camera crew in their front yard?? Thank you, Jen. I really needed this laugh.
Kim - April 14th, 2014 at 9:28 PM
And can we talk about all the places they are putting advertisements nowadays? Like ON CARS and on the back of the doors to the stalls in public restrooms. Can we not even heed the call of nature without someone trying to sell us something? Before movies, like the 20 previews were not enough already. Seriously. I've been talking about TV commercials with my kids since the first one was old enough to express a desire for something she saw advertised, and we break down the message to the bare bones just so we can see how ridiculous it is. And the ED drugs? Oh. My. Yes, I believe after four hours I'd be seeking medical attention.

Dennis - April 14th, 2014 at 9:30 PM
"Clinically proven" means absolutely nothing! Also meaningless is "up to XX% off!" And "new and improved" may mean that the box has a different design on it, or something equally meaningless.
Joanna - April 14th, 2014 at 9:32 PM
4 words..."Hail to the V"...'nuff said!
Kelly - April 14th, 2014 at 9:36 PM
There's a commercial for Mirena, an IUD, where the mom keeps finding her toddler son making messes and getting into trouble around the house, and whenever she sees him and his mess, she shakes her head and smiles/laughs. Who does that? When my kids are tearing all the toilet paper off the roll, painting the kitchen floor with dish soap, or putting pudding on the dog, I don't usually (or ever) shake me head and laugh in an "oh, kids!" sort of way! Are these writers not parents?!?!? Because I'm having a panic attack, mumbling things I shouldn't be under my breath, and wondering why I haven't bough stock in paper towels and shampoo. Thanks for the laugh, Jen!
Jodi - April 14th, 2014 at 9:45 PM
People. Lipozene...the 10 min long commercial featuring this gem. I find myself saying, "Look at you!!!" as soon as the music starts. Run. Run the other way people. http://youtu.be/MvnQ_oXq6GE
Lauren Alexander - April 14th, 2014 at 10:05 PM
For SURE, the Charmin Bears have gots-tah-go (figuratively and literally). Just ask the Grizzly Man how they wipe their fuzzy little bottoms and frolic through the woods.

Also, let's talk about Brooke Shields and Latisse, the lash-growing wonder. THANK YOU, LATISSE, FOR ANOTHER THING TO FEEL INSECURE ABOUT. First world problem if I ever saw one!
Kristina - April 14th, 2014 at 10:08 PM
Full disclosure my hubby helped roll out this line , but the ads for them are genius. (Not your average tampon ad...)
SleepyMom - April 17th, 2014 at 9:02 AM
The actress' delivery was perfect! Laughed through the whole thing.
talia - April 23rd, 2014 at 3:00 PM
Agree! This is so funny!
Mary Beth - April 14th, 2014 at 10:31 PM
%u25BA 0:31%u25BA 0:31
May 11, 2007 - Uploaded by Pun-isher
blah deBlah. 6 months ago. e trade had a string of winners there for a while. another fave ..
Trish - April 14th, 2014 at 10:45 PM
If you haven't seen this Russian tampon commercial, you might want to watch. Soooo funny!

Katie B - April 14th, 2014 at 10:56 PM
The ad for MEN who have to frequently urinate. Maybe I'm just jealous because WTF?! I've pushed three babies out of my hoo-ha and now pee every five minutes. And by the way, old dudes, you can always just pee in the bushes on the golf course. I've seen it happen many times in real life.
Lara L - April 14th, 2014 at 11:17 PM
#horse-crappery Love it!
Kerri - April 14th, 2014 at 11:21 PM
Jennifer Aniston on the Aveeno commercials...yeah right! I'm not buying for one sec that she uses that!
barb - April 14th, 2014 at 11:36 PM
Loved these responses so much. And Jen....Loved the Cover Girl quip the most. But I have to tell you, I cracked up laughing just when I heard them pronounce the new pharmaceutical "Latuda." LaTooDah just sounds so comical for such a serious condition. Honestly, I notice it and scoff every single time it's on. Really? There wasn't another name that didn't sound like a an old jalopy's horn?
Jennifer - April 15th, 2014 at 6:49 AM
Well, I have obviously missed out on a lot of fun with commercials with my dvr and Netflix. May have to reverse the process and start recording some commercials!
KC - April 15th, 2014 at 6:54 AM
Never really thought much about all of this but saw this on my body lotion this morning HYDRA IQ 24 hours. That is totally not a thing. Made up words. The "fairy babies" thing. SO FUNNY.
ABC - April 15th, 2014 at 8:53 AM
Toilet paper commercials with BEARS using it?? When, if ever, has a bear used toilet paper? Is this the 'gentle side?' No need to have toilet paper commercials.
Also, my four year old came up to me and said- Mom, call the Tax Doctor. He can help because the IRS is going to take all of your money. Really?? No need to have this showing on a kid's show.

Tricia - April 15th, 2014 at 9:09 AM
Did you ever hear or read Free To Be You and Me, back in the 70's? Fantastic album, and there's a piece by Carol Channing about advertisements and housework that your post brought to mind. There's a recording here: http://dangerousminds.net/comments/carol_channing_delivers_a_beautiful_feminist_tirade_against_housework
Paula Clare - April 15th, 2014 at 10:39 AM
I am usually a peace loving monk...I love animals, nature, etc. But in the name of all
That's holy will someone PLEASE tell me why cartoon bears are
Butting in to our bathroom business?! For the love of...and I now have an
Aversion to public transportation for fear I'll be accosted by a
Woman inquiring about my colon health?! Really lady?!
What kind of friends do you have that afford you the privilege
Of quizzing them about their lower digestive function?!? Get a life would ya?
And start a neighborhood watch program for folks with that
Colon not right look on their faces, and keep your pink bottles and boxes out of and off of public transport!
There are children present for the love of Pete!
Monica Reynolds - April 15th, 2014 at 11:00 AM
Matte or radiant? I am so indecisive in those moments as well. SO, I usually choose both and they just seem to cancel each other out. And I wind up looking exactly the same as no makeup. Marketers: 2, Me 0 (and out $20) Doh! Maybe I/we don't actually have brains that think in these moments. BUT, I blame it on the Lite Oldies playing in Walgreens. Hall and Oats does more to sell me an extra product than photos of shiny hair and glossy lips. Haha. :-)
Lauren - April 15th, 2014 at 11:22 AM
Ok, um the WE BUY ANY CAR commercials. Has there ever been a more annoying song ever written? Ever? It's infinitely more annoying the 37 millionth time my 4-year old sings it while jumping up and down in my face. Over and over and over. I will never EVER sell my car to them just for the the sheer fact that the commercial - and what it does to my child - makes me miserable.
cakeburn - April 15th, 2014 at 12:15 PM
I just tweeted and posted on FB the other day about that ANNOYING Payless Shoes Easter commercial. It is so annoying that it makes me NEVER want to EVER SET FOOT IN ONE OF THEIR STORES.
Jenn - April 15th, 2014 at 12:31 PM
I agree wholeheartedly. I will have to say, U by Kotex had one of the best ad campaigns a few years back!
Alyssa - April 15th, 2014 at 1:03 PM
As someone in medical marketing, this made me chuckle. I'm sorry in advance for things I'll be writing about %u201Ccollagen modules%u201D and %u201Cliposome spheres." :)
Jenny - April 15th, 2014 at 1:15 PM
The one that always makes us laugh urges you to "Tell your doctor if you've been to a region where certain fungal infections occur." How could I possibly know that?
Karla - April 15th, 2014 at 2:13 PM
Not funny, but one of the local car ads drives me crazy: "If you don't come see me today, I can't save you any money." How STUPID do you think I am? I'm saving a whole TON of money by avoiding you entirely tyvm.

The other one that makes me shudder is the girl in the bathroom (Poo-pourrie?). Seriously disgusting.
Alex - April 15th, 2014 at 2:18 PM
How about the Charmin commercials? I never realized that leaving pieces behind when you wiped was such an epidemic that it required it's own Public Service Announcement. And then three questions came immediately to my mind: A) Why don't the bears just use leaves like nature intended? B) What sort of mother would subject her offspring to such a humiliating full backside inspection? and most importantly... C) Who wipes so aggressively that they turn their toilet paper into sticky confetti bits in the first place?
Kim - April 16th, 2014 at 7:47 AM

"Overly aggressive wiping" probably deserves its own PSA! ;-)
Tracy - April 15th, 2014 at 3:17 PM
Jen you have a knack for completely and eloquently nailing it with your hilarious brand of insight. Thanks for the laugh!!

My current pet peeves:
The Jeep ad - very cute kid but I hate the message of consumerism. Because it's an Aussie ad, here's a link: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=1TL6CX_YaDY

Any feminine hygiene ad. They are getting more explicit. My 13yo son just doesn't need to know that much over dinner! Quite frankly none of us need to know that much over dinner. My daughters and I just cringe.
Carly - April 15th, 2014 at 3:57 PM
Speaking of pharmaceutical commercials...a pastor friend was giving a children's sermon and asked the kids if anyone knew what "resurrection" means...one little boy rose his hand and said that all he knows is that if it lasts for four hours you have to go to the hospital.
Jodi - April 21st, 2014 at 4:23 PM
Laughing so hard . . . .
Jenn - April 23rd, 2014 at 12:44 AM
I'm crying from laughing so hard at this!
Megan H - April 15th, 2014 at 6:02 PM
I haven't watched a commercial since getting DVR in 2006. Good to know I haven't missed much!
Marcy B - April 15th, 2014 at 8:15 PM
What about the one around the holidays that encourages people to get their female loved ones a pap smear. I told this to my OB/GYN, and he and the nurse both had to sit down they were laughing so hard.
JennyPen - April 15th, 2014 at 9:49 PM
How about "The Tough, Smart Lawyer" who will hammer ay-und (that's 'and' for you non-Texans) hammer to fight for every dollar you deserve? I mean, he's a hammer who's tougher than a junkyard dog. Who could ask for anything more when going for gold after an auto collision?
Nicole - April 15th, 2014 at 10:16 PM
Oh my goodness...these comments are SO funny!

I've also been bugged by the commercials/ads that show women advertising for jeans that make you look slimmer when it's more than obvious that they do not need that product. I can guarantee that when I wear slimming jeans I still look like I need to lose 25 pounds.
jane - April 16th, 2014 at 9:08 AM
Great article. Thanks for this morning's laugh.
I've always rolled my eyes at the young models in the anti-aging ads. So stupid.
And I'm sick to death of hearing about someone's four hour erection in front of my kids.
Advertising is sometimes just ridiculous.
Patti - April 16th, 2014 at 9:23 AM
How about the cartoon drawing of the woman on packaging for Spanx? She's thinner than Barbie, and her abs are tighter. Seriously, Spanx, this woman has never needed your product. In fact, it would probably be baggy on her.
kim - April 16th, 2014 at 9:23 AM
Okay, I didn't read all the comments, but had to add my peeve. Sorry if it's already in here somewhere - when I'm at the mall and am assaulted by a full store window poster of shiny, anorexic models in next to nothing with the claim that it's "what angels dream of." Yes, I'm sure angels dream of lacy wedgies and lingerie in general while doing the work of the Lord.
Carrie - April 16th, 2014 at 11:41 AM
Do any of us believe the Kardashians would ever shop at or buy clothes from SEARS? I don't think so!
Sharon White - April 16th, 2014 at 12:13 PM
I can't believe no one has mentioned the PooPourri commercial where the lovely lady in the pretty dress says, "You would not believe the load I just dropped." or "I just dispersed a creamy behemoth from my cavernous bowels." EW! Gross. Seriously!! I know everyone poops, but come on! Then, of course after my 14 year old showed my mom the commercial, guess what we got for Christmas?!

AJ Hostet - April 17th, 2014 at 1:10 AM

The Reebok ad with Miranda Kerr where the camera follows her as she strips her clothes off from room to room, gets in the shower, and remembers she still has the shoes on.

It just hurts to watch because THEY ARE NOT ADVERTISING TO ME. Kudos to her for looking great, but I will never buy those shoes because some male exec obviously came up with this, and no one thought to say, "Uh, buddy? Watching a woman strip sexily through a house will not actually ATTRACT most women."

Wasted millions--or at least hundreds of thousands--of dollars.
Sue - April 18th, 2014 at 12:08 PM
I just saw this add on 19 Kids and Counting. I'm sure the Duggars are all for that. Or not.
Jenny - April 17th, 2014 at 11:59 AM
Since we're on the topic, let's give a shout-out to Sprint. The "Framily" Plan? Pure genius.
Jamie Rohrbaugh - April 17th, 2014 at 12:26 PM
Don't you love it when they turn on the fan on the models' hair? I saw a late-night TV skit about that once... "Look at her hair blowing sexily in the wind!" and my husband and I have been laughing about that ever since. Because we all know that using Pantene is going to make our hair blow around like that. In the kitchen, while we wash dishes. ;)
zanne dailey - April 17th, 2014 at 2:46 PM
the ad where the husband is showering, and the wife tells him he's using her, um%u2026 lady parts wash. the whole thing just makes me shudder. but another category i CAN NOT STAND are the ones where the animated food asks you to eat it. (Mr. Peanut, anyone?) OR the ad where the Potato-Head couple hides in the pantry eating potato chips, or the cereal squares that eat each other--cannibalism? REALLY? That's beyond creepy. and these ads make it harder for me to eat my food, as i picture it with little arms and legs%u2026 sigh.
Lori - April 17th, 2014 at 8:25 PM
How about the Febreeze commercials where the people are sitting in the midst of the disgusting trash talking about how it smells like a meadow? I always wonder whether those people actually have a sense of smell. Watching them sit among the filth makes me want to go take a shower. (Maybe it's actually a bath soap company running those ads!)
And for those of you with Sonic restaurants in your area, the commercials with the two guys in the car make me want to throw something at the TV - and they've had this campaign for YEARS now. I have the same reaction to movies like "Dumb and Dumber" so perhaps I just don't have the right genes for that type of humor. :)
Anna - April 17th, 2014 at 9:37 PM
The NAMES of all the new pharmaceutical products kill me. The ones I love/hate the most right now are Xeljanz and Latuda. These are not things! Have we just run out of words in the English language and now have to make up craziness to describe our medications?
(I realize that all medication names are "made up" at some point, but these are just insane.)
Lisa - April 17th, 2014 at 11:13 PM
I so needed this laugh today. I may have even drooled a little while laughing. Maybe. Perhaps there is a product for that? Anywho...I get to see you speak next month, and I can't wait. My over-analytical head and heart so need your wit and hilarity because the silver on my head just.keeps.growing and I'm not even at the 40 mark yet. And I am convinced that my abs got a major workout while reading this post...who needs the ab roller?!!?
CBM - April 18th, 2014 at 2:14 PM
Jen, you make me 'belly jiggle giggle' every time you get on a rant :)
Love ya heaps girl!
Cindy Krase - April 18th, 2014 at 3:11 PM
The commercials that show taking these medicines will enhance your live and all will be good.....until you listen to the side effects.
Kay - April 19th, 2014 at 9:08 AM
I haven't eaten at Hardee's in ages because their commercials made me sick. I mean, because their food isn't organic, that's what I meant.
I mean, let's be honest here. If I were eating a hamburger the size of my head with ketchup and lettuce sliding off the side of my mouth, people would more likely be gagging in a corner or yelling things like, "Fatty at three o'clock!"
That's why I eat like that in private. But once again, models can do repulsive things in public and everyone will oooo and ahhhh over them. Stupid models.
Sam - April 19th, 2014 at 2:04 PM
Nancy'flaring nostrils' Grace, "What are you afraid of?", commercial. The witch has made a career rehashing the tradgedy, suffering, and misfortune. She has also gotten filthy rich off this! But her commercial, is one big psychological trick on the moron class. She poses her question, then she gives examples of things that you should be afraid of; someone you love beating you, your kid getting nabbed, or WORSE! Oh my god! Miss DisGrace, suggests it is so terrible out in the real world,(where she doesn't live), that you should even be scared to get out of bed, and send your kids out into that. Afterall there are murderers, childmolesters, vampires, werewolves, kidnappers, hiding behind every bush! As fake, mean, phony, and disingenuous as she is she is right about one thing, she states ,"and really that is why I am here" That is why she is there in Atlanta Ga. raking in millions at C.N.N to scare morons into watching her 'show' to make her even more wealthy! O.k., I gotta puke now.
Kristin - April 20th, 2014 at 11:41 PM
Okay - who remembers Sally Fields' old Boniva commercials where she laments how she had to find time every day to take her bone health pills, but now, with Boniva, she only needs to set aside time once a week or once a month. Seriously? How long can it possibly take to swallow a pill? Or any of the current prescription medication commercials where the list of potential side effects sounds a whole lot worse than the conditions they're allegedly meant to relieve. And there used to be some prescription drug for men (perhaps a product to reverse hair loss???? Can't remember exactly - I just know it was specific to males) where one of the reported side effects was menstrual cramping......really? Men can develop menstrual cramps????
Ginger - April 21st, 2014 at 6:48 AM
Lol! Thank you for the laugh this morning. My husband and and I frequently look at each other and ask, "what are they advertising?" Or sometimes we just sit there with perplexed looks on our faces...like the commercial with the hamster as the dad as head of the "framily"? And I could write an entire blog post about pharmaceutical adds....take this so that 6 mos later you can be part of the commercial for the lawyer taking cases for people who died, had their face deformed, contracted heart disease, diarrhea, nausea or any of the like because they took said pharmaceutical...don't doctors prescribe those anyway?
Jennifer - April 21st, 2014 at 11:13 AM
Two words. Tena Twist. I mean, really. If I needed an adult diaper...I'm sure not going to be dancing about it.
Kathy - April 22nd, 2014 at 1:13 PM
The Time-Warner Cable one where the wife is fantasizing about the hunky neighbor, and her husband is wondering whether they've "settled" with their cable plan. She is indicating that she "settled" for him. Offensive? You bet!
Emma - April 22nd, 2014 at 1:28 PM
The other day I noticed my new roommate's hair products in the shower were labeled as being infused with fruit stem cells. And I wondered if I was the only person in the world who was noticing how ridiculous that was. I mean, unless you're having them spliced into your DNA, how can fruit stem cells possibly help you?? Slathering fruit stem cells on your hair seems like a pretty ineffective proposition. Unless you are a fruit. In which case, the market is pretty small--last I checked, there weren't a lot of fruits with hair.
Nancie-Joy - April 22nd, 2014 at 8:09 PM
Commercials for toilet paper. I don't get it. Who's not buying this?
Andrea - April 23rd, 2014 at 2:23 PM
Would love to see ALL the hilarious comments about this...LOL!! Anyone know how to see all the comments, not just the most recent 100?
Emily Goldberg - April 23rd, 2014 at 7:02 PM
Have you read the fabulous and profound children's book, The Toothpaste Millionaire? Because you should.
Shirley - April 25th, 2014 at 11:27 PM
The Herbal Essence shampoo/conditioner commercials where the model is in the public bathroom washing her hair and making "sounds" that are totally inappropriate for a shampoo commercial......absolutely hate those commercials. Then the Joe Boxer commercial at Christmas time.....really???? my husband warns me when it comes on and I just don't watch and the same for him with VS lingerie commercials........The Cox cable commercials are just obnoxious, along with the Nationwide blue phone guy, the Progressive Insurance commercials are obnoxious as well.....Now the "havoc" ones are pretty good.... I have to admit.
As a side note, I work in a Dr office, the pharmaceuticals used to bring us pens with their product name on them.....can't anymore. However the best pens that wrote well were usually pens that had the ED drug names. My daughter was using a Pharmaceutical pen in class...HS.....and looked down realizing it was a Viagra or Cialis pen.... she said she tried to find a non-challant way to exchange pens in her purse, she made sure this one wasn't a pen from an ED company.
stef - April 26th, 2014 at 7:58 PM
All of these things are why we only rent movies and have had no TV for years. The last time I had TV, I think Fraser was still 'that new show about a guy in Seattle'.

If I am going to be forced to hear commercials for (sexy) hamburgers, (sexy) trucks, (sexy) everything, and the latest 'how crass can we get" (non) reality shows, at 100 decibels every 4 minutes, you can bet I will exercise my right to not have that garbage piped into our house.

Yes, advertisers...a human CAN actually live without TV (and all those other 'sexy' things). :P
kim - May 6th, 2014 at 3:29 PM
My husband watches too much late night TV, One winter day a couple years ago, I opened the door for the UPS man. 4 slap chops (buy one get one free) and 4 of his little friend Gratey. That's to say nothing of the CD collections I've had to stop. Eeeeeesh!
laurie - May 12th, 2014 at 11:43 AM
Talking about words being made up in commercials. My pet peeve. No, Robitussin. Even if I choose another suppressant, there will be no coughequences. No, Snuggle. There is no snifference between you and any other fabric softener on the entire planet. No, desperate people in board room, these do not demonstrate imagenuity. Just stop it, for the love of God.
Shelley - May 17th, 2014 at 12:51 AM
What about the "Pocket Hose"? I saw that commercial and about peed my pants!

We have some locally produced commercials that advertised a company that sold windows. The people on the commercial kept saying, "Wind-ah World"!! And then he said that their siding wouldn't "Yell-ah!" Now every time I see their billboard I say Win-dah! Yell-ah!
Beth - May 19th, 2014 at 11:34 PM
Thank you for giving me the best belly laugh I've had in a long time. Your rant about "As Seen On TV" products hit my funny bone like nothing else! Love it!
Holly - December 5th, 2019 at 5:45 AM
I have a a big beef with poise bladder products.. As we can can see by their newest attempt at luring us into purchasing a "pee pad" for laughing.... I have a problem with the fact that they only have 2 overweight and extremely happy woman laughing and apparently peeing themselves with joy and jubilation on their faces... Really??? I'm pretty sure skinny woman have this problem as well but leave it to us chubby girls to be the apparent perfect spokespeople for this product.
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