Let me say this right out of the gate: Deconstructing faith is not for the faint of heart. If you’re in the middle of this wilderness, you already know this. It’s lonely, disorienting, and downright exhausting.
You’re not just sifting through beliefs and doctrines; you’re renegotiating your entire sense of self. You’re building something new. But, if that’s not enough, you’re likely dealing with a hefty dose of relational fallout.
Losing relationships in deconstructing faith is one of the hardest parts of the journey, and I want to help you navigate it.
The Cost of Growth When Deconstructing Faith
Let’s start with some real talk: Not everyone is going to understand your journey. Some will think you’re a lost sheep — a danger to their faith — while others might be just plain scared of what your questions mean for them.
This journey often brings friction with friends, family, church communities, and even partners. You may lose connections you once held precious: people, belonging, identity, certainties. It’s okay to grieve those losses.
But here’s the thing: Growth always comes with a cost. You won’t emerge unchanged, and that’s a good thing — even if it’s painful in the process. Not all of your relationships will survive this process. And that’s not your fault. Relationships are a two-way street, and sometimes — no matter how much you value a connection — the other person’s discomfort with your journey will make it unsustainable.
And here’s the kicker: it’s not about you. Their fear, misunderstanding, or resistance to change is not your burden to carry.
Boundaries Are Your Best Friend When Deconstructing
Listen, I’m going to give you some hard-earned wisdom: You do not have to explain yourself to anyone. Let me say it louder for the people in the back: You don’t owe anyone an explanation. You are allowed to set boundaries, especially around conversations that drain your energy or undermine your progress.
For example: You don’t have to convince someone that LGBTQIA+ people aren’t going to hell or exhaust yourself debating someone who insists reverse racism is real. These are depleting forces, and you don’t need to manage them. Draw those firm lines. Protect your peace. It’s not selfish; it’s survival.
And when people ask questions — sometimes in ways that feel more like an interrogation than genuine curiosity — you don’t have to have all the answers. You are not required to explain yourself or justify or prove anything.
You can be honest without baring your soul. Setting healthy boundaries allows you to choose how far into your inner sanctum people are allowed — and that’s okay.
Grieve What You’ve Lost — Then Find Your People
Grief is a natural part of this process. Acknowledge the pain of what you’ve lost — relationships, identity, certainty — and give yourself permission to feel it fully. Journaling can be a helpful way to process these emotions. Write about your losses, your questions, and the challenges you’re facing. Let it be a space where you can wrestle with the messiness of it all.
But don’t stay in that place forever. When existing relationships prove inhospitable, it’s time to find new ones. Community is a basic human need, and you’re going to need people who can walk this journey with you.
Start by sourcing new inputs — podcasts, books, conferences. Evolving Faith is an incredible place to start; they offer community, connection, and so much wisdom for this exact season of life. There are also vibrant social media groups and local meetups where you can find your people. It takes effort, but it’s worth every ounce of energy to find a community that sees you and loves you exactly as you are.
Moving Forward
Deconstructing faith and losing relationships is a painful, messy process, but it’s also an invitation to grow into the person you’re meant to be. You’re not alone, even when it feels like you are. You are allowed to grieve, to set boundaries, to find new communities, and to hold onto hope.
I’ve been there — and so has my good friend, Sarah Bessey. It’s one of the reasons we created an on-demand course, so you feel less alone out there. We walk through the trenches together with you, as you deconstruct and re-explore your faith. And the course is packed to the brim with so many resources for you to help you get a fresh handle on your faith.
Here’s the truth, though: You’re going to make it. You’re going to find clarity, freedom, and belonging. This process isn’t just about rejecting what you once believed; it’s about taking full ownership of your faith and becoming who you were always meant to be. When you look back on this wilderness, you’ll see that it wasn’t just a place of loss, it was a place of transformation.