The thing about life is that we are surrounded by other people we are expected to live with. Apparently, every last one of them is a human person. These people around us can be irritating, bewildering, explosive, and weird. They make a thousand dumb choices while refusing to operate according to our preferences. Sometimes they are insane. A bunch of them chew too loud. They are too much or not enough depending on our mood that day, and it can be a real trial to be in relationships is all I am saying. (Lucky for them, they get to love precious, adorable us and we never bother them in the slightest because we live right.)
The point is that learning to manage conflict and repair is a useful skill down here on God’s earth. Fine, if I may be honest: of all the healthy practices I’ve improved on in adulthood, this one is still pretty not great. I have an avoidant attachment style, and conflict immobilizes me. Over an accrued amount of years, I developed a freeze response to what I perceived as aggression. In my closest relationship, I spent a fair amount of time feeling verbally pummeled, and rather than develop healthy communication skills, I just went dark. This, as you might imagine, didn’t only not help, it made everything worse. Consistent withdrawal is just as damaging as consistent anger in a relationship.
My crucible is equating conflict with a lack of safety, which is sometimes true but usually not. I immediately feel threatened. A heavily raised voice, a monologue lecture instead of a conversation, words intended to sting; these have locked me out of agency in conflict. I can’t hold my own center, my nervous system over-activates, and I default to old internal messaging: “I am not safe with this person.” (In my defense, I have been right on this, so.)
The WAY I do not want to live the second half of my life the same way. Because the truth is, conflict is nooooooormal. It happens. It happens between two pretty great people. It happens because life is stressful. It happens because we are constantly telling ourselves stories about other people’s motives and intentions. It happens because we are hungry. It happens because we get triggered. It happens because sometimes even pretty great people blow it.
For the purposes of this lil’ piece, I’m not addressing conflict with a super toxic, dysfunctional person. That is its own category and has its own set of rules. For now, I’m talking about conflict between two mostly healthy people who care about each other but suck sometimes. You know, regular run-of-the-mill bullshittery. None of this is from a book, but this is simply what I have learned (okay, am learning) and how I’d like to show up in conflict from here on out:
Establish safety immediately.
As mentioned, I need this ground to stay solid, or I am unable to engage in a way that aligns with my values. I attempt this by gently reminding myself: “I am safe with me.” After plunging to the lowest possible standard for how I will be treated, I simply know I will never allow it again, and I’ve earned my own trust. Generally, collapse is preceded with death by a thousand cuts. I know those cuts, and I know they escalate once we let them past the firewall enough times.
Saying kindly to yourself “I am safe with me” reorients around your own standards, and it takes the power and responsibility away from another person to be your safety enforcer. Otherwise, we are constantly on someone else’s hook. We have absolutely no agency over our own emotional regulation, because we have handed control to someone else. Thus they have to thread a perfect needle in conflict to keep us stable.
Protecting my own safety means trusting my own boundaries: I will not yell or be yelled at. I will not stay on the receiving end of one-sided aggression. I will honor my own standards for how I will be treated, even directly in the middle of conflict. I am in charge of my own regulation, and when that baseline is established, I am able to deal with the conflict actually in front of me instead of any bad history I am attaching it to. Let this thing just be this thing.
Set a quick internal goal.
Every instinct I have says the goal is to win, or convince, or be right, or land a punch if I am particularly upset. But if I tell myself right out of the gate: “We are on the same team, and the goal is to find connection and resolution,” that changes my whole energy. Even if I am hurt or confused, I still need to be able to listen. The gap between experience and intent is where a lot of shit goes sideways. Plus, sometimes a good person’s immediate reaction goes nuclear, and it takes maturity to look beyond the explosion and find out what set it off.
If I am prioritizing connection and resolution, then all my communication tactics are different than if I am fixated on being right. This does not mean capitulating, or acquiescing, or rolling over, or denying my own feelings. Diminishing my feelings to spare someone else’s or hasten the end of conflict is a messsssssss. That resentment gets buried alive and will eventually poison the groundwater. It will absolutely ruin a relationship over time. Ask me how I know.
But we can hold our own center while still listening carefully in order to understand: What made you feel that way? What did you hear me say? Is there something I don’t understand? What do you need me to hear? These questions are the magic elixir of connection, and that is my goal. So get there.
Avoid inflammatory language.
Oh, it is so tempting. Drawing blood feels good for one whole minute. Also, when our central nervous systems are triggered, we tend to exaggerate and catastrophize. You always, you never… We assign malintent to the other person and tell ourselves a story about their faults. Blame becomes a handy weapon. Anger is an easier tool than vulnerability. I prefer it so much, but alas, it sure doesn’t deliver.
So rather than reach for easy barbs, I take several deep, deep breaths. I will not resort to the lowest common denominator. I will not make sweeping statements about someone’s character, which is such an unfair response to a singular moment. I will not attach old, meaningfully resolved conflicts with this person to this moment. Fortunately or unfortunately, I know how to use words, so I will not wield them as weapons. They can be put to such beautiful use as tools of reconnection. Do no harm.
Do not avoid honest language.
Here is where I struggle most. My therapist had to tell me ten thousand times: “Jen, sad does not equal bad. Mad does not equal bad. Hard does not equal bad.” The Enneagram 3 equates conflict with lack of morality/safety/permanency. We prefer everything to be going greaaaaaaat. I have always grappled with contention. Which means I have eaten my feelings like a five-course meal. It is genuinely hard for me to express my feelings and needs clearly, which shows up in my personal and work relationships, and — fun fact — makes everything harder.
So my adult work is learning to be honest about what I need, want, and hope for. What hurt my feelings. What made me feel anxious or unsafe. What I am perceiving. Sometimes that is more like saying: “The story I am telling myself is…” and then a more truthful conversation emerges, which is generally a massive improvement from the narrative I am imagining. When I am in dialogue with a safe person, this vulnerability almost always ends in reconnection.
Own my own shit.
God, being a human is such a situation. We bring our histories and habits into every relationship. If you think you have never contributed to any problems, you “might” be an asshole. Where did I make assumptions? Did I misread the room? Did I project something unfairly? Did I overreact? Have I committed to misunderstanding? Did I respond in a way that escalated the thing? Did I take something personally that wasn’t intended that way? Did I just full on blow it?
There is something so insanely powerful about simply saying: “I’m sorry for ____” and naming it clearly and truthfully. Even if your part is only half of it. You are only responsible for yourself. Most of us are out here trying our best, including the decent person you are in conflict with. Apologies literally make relationships work. Frankly, there is no other way. If your person never apologizes? Red flag. If you never apologize? Raise your own red flag.
I have been in conflict with every precious person in my life at some point. Parents, sibs, kids, friends, partners, coworkers; every one of them. Not because we are all doing life wrong, but because we are all doing life. This is how it is. We either figure out how to navigate conflict or we will end up alone and bitter. Amazingly, relationships mended through repair can be even stronger than before. When we blow it, own it, communicate it, and forgive it, we create safety with our best people. It releases the pressure cooker of perfection. Knowing we can make things right means we aren’t as terrified to get things wrong. At this point, those are the only kinds of relationships I can meaningfully be in.
If I’m doing the calculations right, I’ll have this mastered right around the time my time on earth is about up. Take heart, fellow humans. It is a messy business, this living a life. Keep going. Keep your little wobbly heart open, and I think we’ll get connected, beautiful relationships on the other side of that tenderness.