Well, guess what? It’s time. This is my service to you. I owe it to you. There is a chance you’ve forgotten since last year, or the possibility that you are new to this community and haven’t received my annual PSA.
Either way, listen up, mamas:
School is starting. Yah-hoo or boo-hoo, dealer’s choice. When my kids were little, we were always limping over the summer finish line. The house had deteriorated into madness, the eating situation was untenable, outside was an uninhabitable desert, and the inmates were running the asylum. TAKE THESE CHILDREN BACK.
Some of you are crying about it, but I’ve never understood your kind.
Regardless, back they are going. And you! You have fresh, back to school energy. You are doing alllll the things: registration, shopping, school supplies, Meet the Teacher Night, new backpacks, lunchboxes. It’s all happening. You are optimistic and jovial. You have big plans for how awesome you are all going to be at School™ this year. This exact inflated optimism might be the reason you make the worst decision of your life.
I’ll explain…
The first week of school is like sending our little soldiers to boot camp. There is basically no way to explain how wasted they are. These young citizens have been doing Lord-knows-what all summer, and they are utterly out of practice for an eight-hour work day. Between the early alarm, nonstop activity, onslaught of overwhelming info they receive all day, and new year social anxiety, it is a wonder they are still standing upright by 3:30 p.m. The baby kindergarteners are basically in a coma. They are cooked. They are actually boiled. Their little minds and bodies are trashed. The fact that any of them make it to Friday is a miracle.
This is where you are either the smartest or the dumbest you have ever been.
“I know!” you might be thinking. “Let’s go have a fun Friday night celebration for the completion of the first week of school!” Your little mind may be imagining dinner out, or some fun local carnival, or the high school football game. “Let’s do something fun!” is what your thoughts might be thinking. “Everyone will love it! We got through the first week! Party time!”
This is the worst thing you have ever thought. Unless of course your vision includes dragging a hysterical first grader out of Chili’s because you poured his ketchup wrong. Or you have to carry your 79-pound eleven-year-old out of the mall because she is having a physical meltdown. Or, like in our case, you haul your screaming kindergartner, Sydney Hatmaker, over your shoulder at halftime of the Westlake High football game and race your asses out to the car because she didn’t want that blue slushee.
They can handle NOTHING. Please hear me. NOTHING. They are overstimulated and over-processed and overanxious and over it. You, literally, can do nothing right so hang up that pipedream right now. They will come home and pick a fight, any fight will do, and it will be your fault and you can’t fix it or make it right. Your snacks? Garbage. Your questions? Abusive. Your physical proximity? Why did you even have kids if you were just going to torture them like this??
Here is what you are going to do Friday: First of all, lay off the questions. Leave it. They can’t. They won’t. They are out of words. They are out of f*cks. They don’t want to talk about the cafeteria. Ask next week. Second, don’t take the bait. Accept zero invitations to a fight. Do not make eye contact. Just nod and hmm-mmm and pour them some chocolate milk. They are hungry and exhausted and mental.
Finally, you have this one job: close all the blinds, turn off all the lights, put the children on the couches, cover them with soft blankets, order pizza, and put on a movie. Your work here is done. This is all they can handle. They will be asleep in 12 minutes. Make your environment as under-stimulating as you possibly can, and back out of the room. This is your Friday night on the first week of school, and if you’re smart, also your Saturday.
Bonus advice: do not over-schedule the entire first weekend. Let them sleep in. Let them recover. This is a TERRIBLE weekend for a sleepover; I cannot emphasize this enough. Let them sloth their way to Monday when it all starts over. They will regain their footing after a couple of weeks, but this first weekend is NOT IT unless you hate yourself.
Please acknowledge receipt of this information.