Dismantling Toxic Masculinity Toward Better Sex with Sex Coach and Therapist Cam Fraser - Jen Hatmaker

Dismantling Toxic Masculinity Toward Better Sex with Sex Coach and Therapist Cam Fraser

Episode 04

For this episode of the Sex series, we’re getting some adult sex education we wished we had learned when we were younger. Specifically around messages young men received around sex, and how this now manifests with toxic masculinity which unfortunately, seeps into the bedroom. Our guest today helps us find ways we can change these sexual narratives. While not all of us are in sexual relationships with men, the reality is that the way in which men perceive their status in the bedroom affects their roles outside of the bedroom. And when toxic masculinity is driving that inner monologue, we all lose. So today we’re addressing the ways this can affect us all, not only the cis hetero men in our lives.   

A licensed sex coach and therapist, Cam Fraser teaches sex education for cis hetero men and their partners. As someone who has been hurt by unhealthy masculine culture, he’s passionate about changing toxic masculine narratives that affect us all, and freeing men up to be the fully realized humans they are longing to be (whether they know it or not).   

 In this episode, Cam and Jen discuss:

  • Ideas on how to start conversations with your partner about sex
  • Desire discrepancies in relationships and the difference between responsive and spontaneous libido
  • Taking responsibility for your own arousal
  • The spectrum of intimacy inside and outside the bedroom
  • Unhealthy sexual narratives that feed toxic masculinity
Episode Transcript

CW: Sex and Intimacy Content Warning

Hey, everybody, Jen Hatmaker here, your host of the For the Love podcast. Welcome to the show, you guys. You probably know that we are in a series called For the Love of Sex and I have loved it. It is interesting, it’s diverse. We’ve drilled down into the conversation about sex and bodies and pleasure and transparency and hangups and sexual trauma just in a way that I’ve wanted to. I think this is a series that I would have wanted to consume and hear more about in a way that is just safe and nonjudgmental and accessible. That’s what we hope this is for you, and for me, it has been fascinating as the host and the interviewer of these amazing, amazing conversations.

And so today’s guest is so great. Oh man, this is so great. Okay, so heads up, anybody who is married to or partnered with a man or you are raising a young man or a boy in any way, this is a really illuminating conversation for a million reasons. We’re going to take the taboo right out of talking very frankly about sex and bodies and then turn into building really healthy communication skills and learning about intimacy and partner work, but with a real particular angle today. I think because of the ongoing dialogue around masculinity and then whatever the subsequent sexuality of that is supposed to be.

I don’t have to tell anybody listening that there is a toxic masculinity that has permeated our culture forever, continues to, and really and truly ensnares our boys and then ultimately the men they turn into. It is an absolutely limited caricature of malehood, of masculinity, of male sexuality. It boxes in so many boys and men and then ultimately negatively affects them as well as their partners, their sexual partners. And so we have tapped, well, a sexologist and his credentials include a focus on male sexuality. So we’re asking questions today around communication in the bedroom, yes, but also around defining positive male sexuality and why intimacy can sometimes allude us with, especially those of us with cis male partners.

So from a cultural perspective, we’ve obviously seen a lot of hype and inflammatory language around the crisis of male sexuality. That’s not a new conversation, really from both sides of the issue, right? Some people see men becoming, and this is just a narrative we see right now culturally and it’s been a politicized message that men are becoming too effeminate and they’re lacking their, and there’s the finger quotes here, “God-given innate leadership,” like this John Wayne tough guy, the head of the body discussion, right? And I think men are often seen as lacking the basic skills to create intimacy and relationships and sometimes that’s true and sometimes that’s because they were never handed the tools.

So I think interesting to point out, of course, is that the crisis of masculinity, if you will, certainly not new people in leadership, the politics and religion, of course, have been spouting alleged red flags on this issue for literally centuries. If a man is not behaving up to whatever these cultural masculine standards are, this cause for alarm. Hell, in 1122, a Benedictine monk wrote that the English youth of his time were, “sunk effeminacy,” right? We’ve loved to scapegoat men outside of this male prototype forever. So all that to say, when we thought about adult sex education 101, we wanted to go a little deeper. We thought it would behoove all of us to take a moment and ask, “How can we foster positive masculinity in the bedroom? What does that look like? And how does it keep all of us in society healthier and safer?”

So I will just say this to you. Obviously, in this show, the majority of my listeners are women, although men I know I have you too. but women, this might be a really interesting episode to listen to if you have a male partner or husband to listen to it together. It makes it a safe conversation. It makes it a conversation that somebody else is having that you could listen in on. We really tap into some critical ideas that are both biological, physiological, but also then emotional and psychological. And our men deserve for us to have this conversation with them and about them.

Our guest today, you guys, is Cam Fraser. He is a sex coach, but whatever just came to your mind, you probably don’t have the full picture of him. Cam is passionate about guiding people into, and men specifically, greater self-love and self-awareness and empowerment in their sexuality however that is presenting itself. It’s not in a form or a template that’s a one-size-fits-all. He wants your body and mind and heart to learn to work together in full alignment through the returning of your sexual energy and intimacy and passion. Cam is a certified sexologist but is also a counselor, a registered yoga teacher, a tantric practitioner and a workshop facilitator.

Because of his background, which he talks about, in psychology, sexology and counseling, yoga and tantra, he is all about releasing old thought patterns preventing you from both attracting and becoming the ideal partner and enjoying your own sexual self, your own body and then ultimately moving you toward a more fulfilling sexual relationship with your person. This is so good, you guys. This conversation is so good. I love everything he had to say. I found it refreshing and hopeful. I want every man in my life to listen to this. I want my sons to listen to this. Everybody that I love, who’s a man, a young man or an adolescent should listen to this and get the narrative right from the jump.

I think you’re going to love it. I’m so pleased to share my conversation with the absolutely wonderful from Australia, Cam Fraser. 


Mentioned in this Episode: 

Dan Savage Website 

Brené Brown’s episode with Jen Hatmaker

Trevor Noah on Lack of Male Intimacy


Stay Connected with Jen Hatmaker: 


Thanks for listening to the For the Love Podcast!

XO – Team Jen



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