I may just be speaking for myself, but I experience a pesky irritation every time someone says to “listen to the other side” in order to build unity or bridges or some nebulous, less-explosive ethos than the one we have now. Like, sure, I don’t want to contribute to a second Civil War, but also, shut the hell up with your bigoted nonsense. I mean, I care about you as a human person, but like, I’ll go fisticuffs if you use Jesus to defend ICE raids at an elementary school. It’s complicated.
I’m just not engaging in debate about the dignity of gay relationships or brown people or immigrants. It’s like arguing with a flat earther. We are operating from two completely different truth sources and will never “experience unity” here. There isn’t a bridge long enough.
But I am also concerned about that chasm. That’s where dehumanizing policies and narratives incubate, where wars and violence are bred. It isn’t neutral. It doesn’t function as an inconsequential holding container for competing ideologies. It isn’t just a comfortable buffer between me and people who blame a tragic plane crash on DEI practices. It’s a breeding ground for irreparable carnage, and we are dangerously close to a collapse.
So, fine. Let me start at the end and work my way backward. Reason: when I start from (*points down at feet*) here, a savvy reader might notice I used words like “debate” and “arguing” because I’m on the fool’s errand of changing someone’s mind, yelling facts and talking points across the chasm through a megaphone.
This is precisely where I get hung up, by the way. Because it matters. Homophobic or sexist or racist behavior matters. Real people are harmed in the making of this film. But no functional discussion on injustice has ever or will ever work through the megaphone. Which sucks so much because proximity starts to feel capitulating, like I am dousing the very flame some folks need to stay safe and thriving and alive.
Which brings me back to starting at the end, not the beginning. The end I want is two-fold: 1.) I want to build a safer, more equitable world, and 2.) I am worried about that chasm and want to de-escalate its violent trajectory. Thus, saying “you are an unhinged white nationalist who can’t understand data and facts” doesn’t move us along. You know what I’m saying? It feels good for exactly one second then widens that chasm another ten yards putting that safer world into even greater peril.
It doesn’t work.
It also fosters the lazy option to typecast all of “them” into one character sketch and feel self-righteous. Again, that feels good momentarily and is certainly easier, but it isn’t fair or true. A woman once said about my position on reproductive freedom: “I guess your favorite thing is innocent dead babies.” What a weird thing to say. Maybe as weird as “you are an unhinged white nationalist” to someone who voted for the hope of more affordable rent.
So if “facts” are our deal, let’s operate under a couple of them:
We can’t drag codependent tendencies into this. Melody Beattie explained in Codependent No More: “Control is an illusion. It doesn’t work. We cannot (and have no business trying to) control anyone’s emotions, mind, or choices. We cannot control the outcome of events. We cannot control life. Some of us can barely control ourselves. People ultimately do what they want to do. They feel how they want to feel (or how they are feeling); they think what they want to think; they do the things they believe they need to do, and they will change only when they are ready to change. It doesn’t matter if they’re wrong and we’re right. It doesn’t matter if they’re hurting themselves. It doesn’t matter that we could help them if they’d only listen to, and cooperate with, us. IT DOESN’T MATTER, DOESN’T MATTER, DOESN’T MATTER, DOESN’T MATTER.”
Welp, I guess she said what she said. Fact: we cannot control anyone and it makes zero sense to keep trying. So take our argumentative skills off the table. That is not our job here. That can’t be the point. Relinquish the self-appointed position of Mind Changer and Ideology Fixer. Not just because it is presumptuous but ineffective.
Second, that safer world will not emerge until the chasm is shrunk. Period. So sure, we can stand on principle and keep yelling through the megaphone, but if outcomes matter to us, then we have to try something different. That work may surprise us. People usually do.
So a few ideas to try out. All imperfect, but human connection is imperfect:
- Set aside “I need to convince them” entirely, then see what we have. We will not be reported to the Woke Oversight Committee. Listening does not signal endorsement. Without that self-imposed pressure, as if the weight of America rests on our arguments, we might discover the possibility of new understanding, which holds the possibility of connection, which holds the possibility of shrinking the chasm, which holds the possibility of a safer world.
- Listen more than we talk. A nightmare! My words are where all my evolved ideas live, but those are more suited for the megaphone. The driving impulse must be curiosity, not superiority.Ask meaningful, sincere questions: Tell me about growing up. What scared you? What do you worry about now? What has your experience been? Did a person or place shape you? What did you learn from your parents? What is it like for you now? What keeps you up at night? What do you hope for? Keep asking for the answer under the answer, and you may uncover someone’s tender heart.
- Don’t formulate a response. Just listen to listen. Pay attention to pay attention. Let connection be the end game. Melody Beattie says: “You are not responsible for making other people ‘see the light’ and you do not need to ‘set them straight.’ You are responsible for helping yourself see the light and for setting yourself straight.” These two sentences live rent free in my head, and have shut my mouth and relieved this burden innumerable times.
- Name common ground. Most of us want very similar things, even if we come at those from opposing angles. We want safety for our families, bills we can afford, not to feel afraid, not to feel overlooked. A bunch of us had similar childhoods or know the same geography. I bet every one of us has a crazy aunt. We worry about our kids and want them to flourish. We were picked on in middle school, or our 5th grade teacher hated us. We’re all anxious about inflation, and caring for aging parents is bipartisan. Oh the power of saying, “Me too, me too, me too.”
These practices develop empathy, which is as powerful a force that exists. Test the theory hypothetically: imagine empathy as the primary instinct at the highest levels of power in any given scenario equally demonstrated on both sides. The ensuing peace actually transcends imagination.
We are unable to force empathy on our governing leaders, but we can practice it in our neighborhoods. If it is good enough to change the world, then it is good enough to change the world. The secret magic of empathy is that it can also change its recipient, a sneak attack of being heard and seen. Its accrued effect can change the giver, the receiver, and all observers, because people are always watching.
And when this many people are affected, that safer, more equitable world is in sight after all.
