Conscious Parenting Toward a Better Future For Us All with Dr. Shefali Tsabary

Episode 04

In this episode of our For the Love of the Middle series, renowned clinical psychologist Dr. Shefali returns to the show to discuss her concept of conscious parenting. Those of us in the middle of life who may still be parenting kids at home, or adjusting to parenting adult children who have just launched out into the world–or in any season of the parenting journey, really–will find much to learn as we look back (and forward) at our parenting patterns. Dr. Shefali provides a step-by-step roadmap to help free parents and their children from toxic patterns and expectations, while building a lasting meaningful bond with them. Using her book as a guide, she will introduce us to the five patterns of ego, show us some varying parenting styles (including helping Jen unpack her own parenting style), develop a mindful focus on self-control, and tips on how we can encourage our adult children to parent themselves. Jen and the good doctor will hit some big topics that will inform not only parents, but those of us who wish to discover how we were parented, and how it impacts us now; including: 

  • Walking through the definition of conscious parenting and the three stages of the parenting map
  • Debunking the notion that as parents we are supposed to create happy, perfect superhumans by following traditional parenting rules
  • Dismissing the notion that there are good kids and bad kids—and how to avoid using these labels  
  • Revealing the five ego patterns parents that parents might not even realize inform their quest to raise amazing children
  • The three reasons why children act out or misbehave and how you can learn not to shame them for it
  • The results of over-parenting and how it shows up in your adult children

It’s never too late to become a mindful parent and set an intention to allow your children to become centerstage in their own lives.

Episode Transcript

Hey, everybody. Jen  Hatmaker, here, your host of the For the Love podcast. You guys, welcome to this series. It’s such a good one. I am, I’m so obviously invested in it, but I’m learning so much and I feel so encouraged by it. It’s called For the Love of the Middle, and this is the middle for me. It’s that time of life where we have enough wisdom, we’ve gained enough wisdom to at least potentially know ourselves in ways that we didn’t or even couldn’t in our twenties or even thirties. Um, and now we’re here going, okay, I’ve lived, I’ve learned, I’ve lost, I’ve got this wisdom. What do I do with it? And if you’re not quite at the middle yet, I promise you there’s something in here for you too, because you will be there, or this is next, or this provides some interesting scaffolding for you as you steer north.

Uh, I would’ve loved to have listened into some of these conversations 10 years ago. Um, especially the one today. I mean, really, especially the one today. We’re talking about parenting and I’ve got one of my favorite people on today. But when she talks through her, I don’t know, just her giftedness and her wisdom around parenting, I just sit here thinking, man, I wish I had been practicing this a decade ago. Um, right now my kids are 17 to 24. I’d have loved this conversation when they were seven to 14. And so, no matter where you find yourself as a listener, if you’re, if you’re a parent today or if you have parents <laugh>, which my suggestion is that’s all of us who has a parent, you are going to hear some really important stuff today. We have, um, an incredible guest. She is been on the show before and her episode was just so wildly downloaded and responded to for good reason.

And you’ll see why. Um, we have Dr. Shefali on today. She’s, she’s pretty special. She’s pretty incredible. She’s, um, her specialty is parenting and not in the way that you have heard. I just can tell you that right now. It’s not, it’s not a system. It’s not a formula. It’s not boundaries and rules and structure. It’s nothing like what you’ve heard. In fact, it, it won’t get under your skin a little. I mean, I know it has mine not. And because it, it rings so true and it feels a little disruptive to the narratives that you and I have been handed about parenting. And so, as we’re here in the middle, we’re, I’m thinking about this, like, what does it look like to parent in such a way that we are building this relationship with our kids as they launch into adulthood that is connected and healthy and secure and safe.

I mean, that’s all I, I think about this so much cuz I’ve got four of my five kids outta the house. And so what does it look like to parent in a way that even as a lot of our ties loosen, the most important ones, strengthen. And so, Dr. Shali is here, um, in the last episode she was on, on the show, she talked about laying down what is expected of us and honoring ourselves. Oh gosh. It was the, like, if you didn’t listen to it, you should, I’ll link to it. Go back and hear it because it’s a very good punch in the gut. She is, she has extraordinary insight. Um, and on releasing garbage and embracing what’s true, releasing control, outcomes, storylines, um, it’s actually a relief to hear her talk about not just parenting, but humanity. Um, and there’s freedom ahead. So, but you’re gonna be really happy you hit, uh, download today.

So let me tell you, in case you haven’t met her before or seen her work, Dr. Shefali, she’s a New York Times bestselling author. She’s a world renowned clinical psychologist. She’s got her doctorate from Columbia. She’s an international speaker. Um, she speaks all around the world, literally all around the world. Um, she’s written numerous books on parenting and then also helping women break free from societal expectations. That was what we talked about the first time she was on the show. But her most recent book is called The Parenting Map. And it is basically, I promise you this, the step-by-step parenting roadmap we have all dreamed of. And the one that makes the most sense, the one that releases us from every toxic pattern and expectation and liberates us to love and connect with our kids in a way that is true and authentic.

You’re just gonna have to listen in. I don’t, I don’t wanna, I can’t explain it better than she can. So you’re gonna, you’re about to hear more. But this is all based on her sort of breakthrough idea and conscious parenting. So this is a handbook for what it means for, for building the kind of relationship we all want with our kids. It’s incredible. She’s incredible. I I respect her so much. I admire her so much. Um, and her coaching and leadership has made a big difference in my life. So I am so pleased to share my conversation with the, uh, unmatched Dr. Shafali. 



Mentioned in this Episode: 


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The Conscious Parent
by Dr. Shefali Tsabary

The Parenting Map
by Dr. Shefali Tsabary

Dr. Shefali’s previous interview on For the Love:
Releasing The Fantasy of “The Good Girl” with Dr. Shefali Tsabary


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XO – Team Jen

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