August 27, 2022

Roast Chicken


I am going to save dinner when your kids are melting down and you don’t have time for tomfoolery.

Author’s note: Kids on Fridays are like miniature psychotics. With no shame, they will pitch a blazing fit over the “bossy way” you asked about their day. Do not fall for this. We don’t negotiate with terrorists.

Back to dinner:

1. One whole chicken.
2. A lemon
3. Fresh thyme
4. One whole head of garlic

That is literally it because I am assuming you have butter and onions.

Rinse your chick and pat it dry. Salt and pepper its insides a bunch. I know this is weird.

This is a good time to realize that we eat real animals, not just magical, boneless breasts from some mythical creature who died of natural causes before its parts mysteriously shrink-wrapped themselves and landed in our produce department.

I once thought watermelons grew underground, so I am not judging.

Cut the lemon in half; cut crosswise through the head of garlic (don’t even worry about taking the skin off); grab however many sprigs of thyme — and shove all that up the chicken’s keister. Melt 2 to 3 T of butter; brush all over the outside; then liberally salt and pepper.

Scatter big slices of onions all around your buttered, stuffed chicken in a roasting pan, and throw it in a 425 degree oven for around an hour and a half. Check it at 45 minutes or so and add a bit of water if your onions are starting to get too burny.

I realize this is a lot of words, but if you *edit the author’s superfluous thoughts,* you’ll see this prep is like four minutes.

There isn’t proper language to describe what this starts smelling like after around 30 minutes. Anyhow, if you waste the pan drippings, I will never speak to you again, so take the chicken out when it is done and cover it with foil. Throw some butter and flour into a pan and whisk, then add all the pan drippings and onions.

Some people strain this, but that hurts my feelings. Add some heavy cream and whisk and now you are a bona-fide star.

Serve your roast chicken and onion gravy with rice or potatoes — or maybe just chips because when it is Friday night, we don’t have energy for a proper side.

Speaking of food, you can find more recipe goodness in my debut cookbook, Feed These People.


Related Posts