November 21, 2023

Thanksgiving by Enneagram Number

Lifestyle & Pop Culture

So. We gather Thursday.

Enneagramateurs, our thoughts to squash Thursday are as follows.

1’s: I will not reload the dishwasher correctly. There is more than one right way to do things. These jackwagons are clearly doing it WRONG but I will walk away from this tragedy. God, how are we related.

2’s: I will not clear every plate, store the leftovers, clean the kitchen, & put everyone’s babies down for naps by myself. I will just sit here while NO ONE DOES IT, but it’s fine. They will still love me. I have value. I’ll just clear half the plates.

3’s: This meal is not efficient & these people are talking too long about nonsense, & I haven’t gotten one decent pic for IG. “What’s that about your ex-coworker, Aunt Mary? FASCINATING. TELL ME MORE.” My task list has gone to crap & we’ll all just die at this table.

4’s: I will not compare this Thanksgiving to my childhood & conclude that no one here loves or sees me. It isn’t their fault they have no souls. They live in the shallows & can’t comprehend my rich interior life. I will go into my mind palace & sing the new Adele album.

5’s: I strongly dislike everything happening. Why are they all talking. Why are they touching me. No I will not say what I am thankful for. Why are people like this. I will Irish goodbye & go home & watch Yellowstone in bed.

6’s: Which of these jokers will ruin the day? Who will bring up Nancy Pelosi? How long until Brad criticizes the pies again & makes Grandma cry? We won’t have enough food. Thanksgiving is chaos. I hate it here.

7’s: No one is having a better Thanksgiving than us! Omg, EVERYONE is having a better Thanksgiving than us. We are the best & this is the most fun day, except for everyone else having a more fun day. EVERYONE PLAY THE TURKEY BINGO GAME AND STOP BITCHING. Fun!

8’s: I will not bring up immigration. I will not bring up Jared Kushner. “WTF, Michael? Does your shirt say ‘Praise the Lord & pass the ammunition’? Alright, hands up: who here got vaccinated?”

9’s: I will manage these people with soothing tones & a seating chart. I will separate them by voting bloc and/or wokeness. I will create the 1st tension-free Thanksgiving ever.

Holidays are relaxing! Everyone behave!

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