Author: Jen Hatmaker

I Love My People Too Much To Not Vote

Posted on by Jen Hatmaker

I admitted something for the first time on my podcast recently while interviewing (my beloved) Sarah and Beth from Pantsuit Politics:

I didn’t vote in the first two elections I could have: 1992 as a freshman in college when Bill Clinton defeated incumbent George H. W. Bush, and 1996 as a first year teacher when he won reelection against Senate Majority Leader Bob Dole.

I just…didn’t vote. This is so embarrassing and, frankly, confusing to Right Now Me, and I’ve never said it out loud. Even as I sit here, I am mining my memory for what was surely a robust political discussion on my college campus, but I am coming up blank. I vaguely remember watching a debate in the Geiger Center with a bunch of peers, but the only detail I can recall is that Brandon was on a couch nearby and we were trying to catch each other’s eye. I flirted my way through my first election process, internet.

Looking back on the 1996 election, surely the veteran teachers at Jenks East Elementary had something to tell the 22-year-old teacher about educational policies and casting a salient vote for our chosen profession, but my mind is empty. I just can’t remember anything noteworthy except the evangelical bullhorn assuring us that another Clinton presidency was paving the road to perdition. But even then, it must have felt distant enough from me that I phoned it in on November 5th.

Cut to my daughter Sydney who: 1.) registered to vote while we were marching at the 2018 March For Our Lives her senior year.

Sydney registering to vote at March For Our Lives in 1998:

Sydney registering to vote at March For Our Lives in 1998:

And 2.) volunteer phone banked that fall for midterms.

Sydney volunteer phone banking for the 2018 midterms

I can’t make sweeping statements about generational civic engagement, because certainly millions of my age-mates were active participants in democracy when we were younger, but this crop of 18-29 young adults had the highest percentage of voter turnout in 2020 (55%) since its peak in 1972 (55.4%), the first election in which the voting age was lowered to 18 thanks to the 26th Amendment.

The kids care.

Election Day 2020: Gavin’s second election and Caleb’s first
Election Day 2020: Gavin’s second election and Caleb’s first

 

And there is something important here to learn from. We don’t care about what doesn’t matter to us. Apathy is a luxury for anyone unaffected, untargeted, unharmed. Privilege is a reliable enemy of not just voting, but voting for the common good. As I helped Remy get registered to vote this week — I now have five voters! — it occurred to me that we head into the voting booth in one of two mindsets:

Out of Fear

This is easy to manipulate and difficult to reverse. The simplest scapegoat is any vulnerable population that is easy to “other.” When they are coming for your jobs, your safety, your opportunities. When they are trying to radicalize your kids, inflict their identity, pollute the library shelves. When they are violent, drug addicted, exceptionally criminal. When they are ruining American culture, voting illegally, eating your pets. A productive campaign tactic is simply to assure people they are in danger, and certain marginalized groups are to blame. Then it is an easy leap to dehumanizing policies and rhetoric which slowly erodes our collective identity and puts vulnerable populations in actual danger.

Fear is a useful tool in the hands of politicians. Whether our actual wellbeing is in jeopardy or not, fear triggers our fight-or-flight response and creates a cascade effect from making decisions out of scarcity: overestimation of risk, tunnel vision, self focus, and flawed biases. Plus, operating out of fear is corrosive to our own spirit, and we become another of its victims. It is a terrible voting tool but certainly effective for turnout.

Out of Love

There is another story available to us, and that is to walk into the voting booth motivated by love. Our vote is our most powerful tool for the common good. With it, we have the chance to genuinely love our neighbors instead of fear them.

We get to vote for the ongoing protections for our LGBTQIA+ neighbors, because gay people aren’t dangerous but violence incited against them is.

We get to vote for our immigrant neighbors who make our communities so special and mean so much to the fabric of America.

We get to vote for our sisters and daughters and nieces and girlfriends, because reproductive freedom is healthcare, and the next generation is counting on us to show up for them.

We get to vote for our kids who deserve a country that cares that guns now kill more American kids than anything, surpassing accidents and car-related deaths.

We love our kids, therefore we vote for them.

We get to cherish people by the way we vote. We get to say: I am for you, I am with you, I am on your side, I want you to flourish. What an outrageous gift we get to give! We are so lucky to have actual power over the world we are building for our families and neighbors. We also get to hang on to our own wellbeing without being manipulated into constant, irrational terror.

By the way, voting for the common good is also the smartest choice. When our neighbors are thriving, when everyone is cared for, protected, and represented, when equality is prioritized not demonized, whole communities prosper. The GDP goes up, poverty goes down, graduation rates go up, crime goes down, brilliance is unlocked, creativity flourishes, complex problems are solved. Truly, what is good for everyone is good for everyone. Even if you have a lil’ black heart of stone, voting for the common good will improve your actual life, so there’s that.

Voting out of love is maybe not a trending idea, but it should be. The next time an ad or commercial or conversation at your uncle’s house uses the tired tactic of fear, ask yourself what love might have to say instead. Your fear is a useful political tool, but your love can actually help change the world for the better.

I missed my first two presidential elections, but I’ll never miss another. I love my family and neighbors too much to not vote for them.

Sydney at the White House with me lobbying senators to vote for international humanitarian food and health programs
Sydney at the White House with me lobbying senators to vote for international humanitarian food and health programs

 

Are You Ignoring this Important Life Thing?

Posted on by Jen Hatmaker

More than three years ago now, I posted about some things (many things) I was working on to get my life in order after my divorce in 2020.

I called it KATN (Kicking Ass and Taking Names), because that’s exactly what it was. I had no idea what in the world I was doing or needed to do — especially in categories like finances and insurance. But I figured it out — and many of you did, too.

 But we also had so many questions about the big life things that we put [[waves hand]] over here to deal with at some later, undefined date.

For me, one of those big life things was this: Life Insurance. I hardly knew what it was, or if I needed it, or what I needed from it — I literally knew nothing. But, as the sole earner now in my house with five kids, I could no longer ignore this big, looming, unknown quantity.

Sisters, you shouldn’t ignore it either.

I learned so much — and one thing I learned is that whether you’re single, married, divorced, have kids or don’t have kids, it doesn’t matter. Life insurance is for human people. We all need to have this stuff in place. None of us are immune to divorce, disease, death, and disability which are life-changers that do not discriminate.

If you’re like I was and have no idea what life insurance even is or why you need it, I wanted to share some things I learned along the way.

Read on for a little Q&A I had with Modern Woodmen, an incredible, member-owned fraternal financial services organization that serves nearly 700,000 members and has been doing so since 1883. How’s that for longevity? They are definitely doing all the things right.

Let’s start with the basics: Why is life insurance so important?

Life insurance, and the need for it, is a topic most people don’t want to think about — and rightfully so. It’s a hard thing to plan for the unexpected and think about what could happen if you become seriously ill, have an accident, or die too soon.

But it is so important — particularly for women.

Life insurance is all about protecting your future — and it is the foundation of planning. Some people think that life insurance is ONLY about funeral costs. And that is a myth.

Life insurance is actually as unique as you are and the journey you’re on. It’s about protecting against life’s uncertainties; it’s about retirement planning; it’s about estate planning; it’s about business planning. There are many ways you can leverage life insurance to enhance your financial goals.

I am a _______. Do I need life insurance?

The answer is “yes, yes, yes, yes, and yes.” Here’s why:

PRIMARY BREADWINNER

Nearly 4 in 10 women are the primary breadwinners for their families (U.S. Census Bureau). If you fall into this category, you need life insurance. The proceeds will help cover your family’s day-to-day expenses and your funeral costs if you die. Down the road, the money could help your kids afford college or your spouse meet retirement goals.

SECONDARY EARNER

About two-thirds of American households have dual incomes. If your paycheck helps support your children and/or your partner, you need life insurance. The money will give financial support to your family if you die, helping them maintain their current lifestyle.

SINGLE MOM

Life insurance is a must for anyone with dependent children. You likely shoulder all the responsibilities of raising your family. Life insurance can provide financial security in your absence. Don’t worry – coverage isn’t as expensive as you may think. Your Modern Woodmen rep can help you find an option to meet your needs and budget.

SAHM

Think you don’t need life insurance? Think again. You provide services that are just as important to your family’s well-being as work outside the home. If you died, your family would need someone to handle all the household duties you currently shoulder. Life insurance would help cover those major costs.

SINGLE WOMAN

No dependents? You can still benefit from life insurance — especially the permanent kind. Build up cash value, which you can borrow for emergencies or supplemental retirement income. When you die, the proceeds can go toward final expenses or to leave a legacy as a charitable contribution.

How do you know what type of life insurance to get?

Life insurance is as unique as you are — and there are a range of options, including term life insurance, plans specifically designed for children and young adults, and permanent life insurance plans that offer permanent solutions for permanent needs.

Financial representatives can help answer questions and help you better understand what life insurance plan is best fit for your unique situation.

One note: Life insurance through group policies at work is great, but often that insurance doesn’t go with you if you leave your job. Everyone should have their own life insurance that they own, so you don’t have to worry about it being dependent on your employer. 

How do you know how much life insurance you need?

Free online tools, like this online calculator, can help you know how much life insurance is right for you.

The perception is that life insurance is super expensive. Is that true?

That perception is false! In fact, the LIMRA research organization supports that two-thirds of people overestimate the cost of life insurance by a whopping three times over. Life insurance is accessible and approachable; it’s not as expensive as you may think.

Modern Woodmen is a fraternal organization — what does that mean?

We’re really proud of our organization — and it differentiates us from others. We don’t have stockholders; so that means our decisions are made for our members’ best interests.

We share three common values: financial security, quality family life, and community impact. 

When people become members at Modern Woodmen, they can join a local chapter and get more involved, too — from volunteering to social and educational events and more. We have more than 2,500 chapters and youth service clubs across the country. It’s really such a beautiful, community-fueled experience.

Fraternal benefit societies actually have a long history, dating back to the mid-1800s. They were created to support families after the breadwinner died. Although Modern Woodmen has evolved over the years, our goal of giving back to the communities where members live, and work has remained the same. 

 —

Modern Woodmen can provide you with solutions and financial guidance to help you along the way and help you protect against life’s uncertainties. While nothing can replace you, you can ensure your loved ones are protected and have financial security.

Learn more here.

Modern Woodmen of America. 1701 1st Ave. Rock Island, IL 61201. Product availability varies by states. Individual representatives may not be licensed to sell all products. Paid endorsement.

For Anxiety or the Sunday Night Scaries

Posted on by Jen Hatmaker

Just in case you are having a bout of the Sunday Night Scaries staring down tomorrow, or you just enjoy general anxiety like I do, a lil’ reminder…

Our own bodies do a pretty decent job of self-soothing if we learn a few tricks.

I noticed yesterday my blood pressure was rising and today it went through the roof (165/95). Any time my BP spikes, it scares me which makes me more anxious and more triggered and more positive I am about to have a heart attack which isn’t helpful for the aforementioned high BP.
So I did the things this afternoon:
  • Took my BP meds of course (I have hereditary high BP).
  • Turned off all screens to minimize noise and stimulation, lit a candle, and played soft music. Nonstop screens are stressful! Who knew?
  • Drank a bunch of water and ate whole, healthy stuff with no inflammatory foods (no gluten or dairy) so my body could focus on only one problem: bringing down my BP.
  • Sat in the grass barefoot and did a 20 minute guided meditation (I use Simple Habit but there are tons of apps). My narrator had me cover my heart with my hands while she repeated the mantra “I am safe, I am calm, I am connected.” Whatever, man. Woo woo stuff works.

  • Spent 10 (20?) minutes just breathing: five seconds in through my nose, hold for five, five seconds out through my mouth, hold for five. I did this for who knows how long. CA-RAZY how we can calm down our own central nervous systems with just breathing. Even babies know how to breath! Sheesh!
  • Scanned my body for tension. Per ush, it was all in the same places: relax my forehead, relax my eyes, relax my jaw, relax my shoulders, relax my hands. Those areas are as rigid as concrete when I am anxious.
  • Took a 30-minute walk while listening to a “soothing story” through my meditation app. Moving your body in ANY way is the #1 way to move stress and anxiety through.
  • Cooked dinner because my hands appreciated something to do that didn’t require my thoughts to keep overthinking. Cooking is calming for me. But any routine task here will do the trick.

Brought my BP down to 135/85 which is still not great but it is a world of difference from earlier.

Anxiety entered my personal chat four years ago (yay) and these are my tools. They are not sexy but they work. Even doing half of them will pull me out of the weeds.

Bodies are pretty amazing. We have so much of what we need right inside. In my case, meds help close the gap. You got this, Anxious Ones. Nurture your own little self. Then drink some water and go to bed.

If you need some additional support in this category, I have an entire Me Course (my version of an on-demand e-course) on wellness habits that can be supportive for your physical, spiritual, emotional, and mental health. Check it out here.

What Not to Worry About: Kindergarten and Littles Edition

Posted on by Jen Hatmaker

I have walked five children into kindergarten and filmed those same five children walking across a high school graduation stage.

The oldest one is married with a mortgage. The youngest just earned her diploma. In the life cycle of parenting, getting them to young adulthood closes a loop (IT OPENS A WHOLE ‘NOTHER LOOP THAT NO ONE TOLD US ABOUT but that is another essay). 

Internet, if I had back even one-millionth of the minutes I spent worrying about [[checks notes]] absolutely everything, I could have brokered world peace with the free time. Now to be sure, some things are worth worrying about, but I feel confident I don’t need to talk moms into any parenting anxiety.

Instead, I am here to shove a few worries off your plate after discovering I should have concentrated on real things instead of how to save my children from a submerged car I accidentally drove off a bridge. 

For the moms of kinders and littles, stop worrying about the following: 

1 – He is not reading/adding/writing as quickly as his lil’ classmates.

“I think he is behind,” your mom might say to you. How will he make it in this life if he cannot tell the difference between a B and a D?? He’ll get there — and stop worrying. Kids develop at wildly different paces.

Don’t sit his tiny body in a chair AFTER eight hours of school and force feed him more instruction. That baby is cooked.

Sure, there is an “average” and a “bell curve” and a “baseline” and then billions of kids just go ahead and read when they are ready and grow up to have a successful career in HR. In some cases, kids definitely need extra scaffolding, but in most cases, they just need to go to recess.

2 – She is not in enough extracurricular activities.

How will she ever get a full-ride soccer scholarship?? She won’t no matter what, so let’s go ahead and take that down a hundred notches. On what planet did we decide first graders needed three activities OUTSIDE of school which is a full-time job? A full time job!

Your kids can absolutely come home after school and play, and that is their little life. If she is not enrolled in violin lessons, t-ball, art class, and theater at age 7, well, she will grow up EXACTLY like the kids who are but less exhausted. Littles do not need to be programmed twelve hours a day. She is not going to “get behind.”

Look at those kids on the soccer field; they aren’t going to Stanford on an athletic scholarship, bruh. 

3 – Your kid is way, way, way different than you — and you are freaking out.

The college quarterback spawned a quirky little mathlete. The thespian parent ended up with a wide receiver. The prom queen’s daughter eats her lunch with the librarian.

Why isn’t he more athletic? Why is she such a wild stallion? Why aren’t they more outgoing? Why are they so outgoing? Because they are who they are. After five, I can tell you kids are exactly themselves from the jump. There is nothing wrong with them.

Let them be as quiet, silly, weird, driven, shy, awkward, hilarious, or outrageous as they are. As I’ve said a million times: we raise the kids we have, not the kids we were (or the other kids we have) (or the kid we thought we’d have). Celebrate them in their exact little container. My girlfriend Leslie, the gentlest pacifist on planet earth, birthed a Navy Seal. Hooyah! 

 

Spend energy instead on these ideas: 

1- Are my kids learning how to be kind?

Are we teaching them to notice the left out kid, the new kid, the awkward kid? Do we model generous language and make a big effing deal when our kids demonstrate kindness?

We can’t let our kids get away with bullying ever. Nip that in the bud early and swiftly. Mean little kids turn into mean teens and even meaner adults, and then they get Instagram accounts. WE KNOW WHO THEY ARE.

Sure, praise good report cards and clean rooms, but go whole hog when your kid acts kind, inclusive, and compassionate. Shaping their character matters more than anything we spend our parenting energy on. It’s now or never, man. 

2- Model ownership and repair early.

Telling our kids “I’m sorry” and “I was wrong” and “if I could do that again, I would say ____” and “will you forgive me” is a masterclass in emotional intelligence. When kids have never seen their own parents apologize and own bad behavior, where will they learn it?

If we pretend out shit never stinks and humility is beneath us, we will raise self-centered children whose pride will outpace their tenderness. Most parenting is caught not taught. They emulate what they see more than what we say. Make sure they see a path through mistakes and repair. Give them the gift of relational mentorship. 

3 – Instead of worrying about their inevitable bad choices, make sure instead they will tell you when they do.

This is an imperfect mechanism because kids are liars (yes, yours too), but if we overreact, overrespond, shame, and isolate them when they mess up, we’ll drive them into the shadows.

We can say things proactively like: “Literally no matter how badly you screw up, you can come to me,” and “No matter what you tell me, we will figure it out together,” and “I promise to always be safe for you.” Then when they blow it in plain sight or have the courage to tell you after the fact, refuse to use humiliation.

If you need a minute to collect your wits, use Kelly Corrigan’s extension tool: “Okay, tell me more.” If they can fail without your shame-based reaction in first grade, they will come to you when they are seniors and the stakes are higher. 

I would say all of this works about 67% of the time, and that is almost passing.

We are still human moms raising human children in human homes, and those little kinder babies will make some choices in ten years that will send you to the fainting couch. You will stand in front of your tall son one day and say in complete seriousness: “Is there any possible way you can just get a D??” You will not parent perfectly because that is not real. Your kids will not grow up perfectly because that is not real. 

But most of your worries will never come to pass and aren’t worth worrying about in the first place. Don’t invent problems; you’ll have enough real ones to manage when your precious kindergartener smokes pot on your roof in a few years. Character, heart, integrity — those are the biggies. You can let most of the rest go. It all works out; or it doesn’t but you figure it out. 

You are doing a beautiful job. You are mothering with all your heart and soul and energy and grit, and that matters. The stuff you are hoping will stick, mostly sticks. The stuff that keeps you up at night mostly evaporates. Exhale, mamas. They are going to grow up one way or another, so might as well enjoy it more and worry about it less. It goes fast. 

But maybe focus on saving money for college because your kid isn’t getting a tennis scholarship. 

Let the Ship Sink

Posted on by Jen Hatmaker

Note: Parts of this blog are excerpted from my new book, and I’m honored to share a tiny glimpse into this nerve-wracking, thrilling, immersive endeavor. It is what I know so far, raw and true. I’ve been so ready to write this for you; I’m writing it for you as you read this. I’m also writing it for me.

I grew up in a specific sodality aptly named “purity culture.”

This is niche, so apologies to the women who were told as little girls that their bodies were beautiful and trustworthy and to be respected. fortunately for you, this writing will make no sense. I love this for you. 

While “purity culture” was nestled inside conservative evangelicalism, a quick glance around reveals communities the world over that raise girls in a fever dream of sexual shame. It is strange to dissect in hindsight, but we were both over-taught and under-taught: singular hyper-focus on abstinence with no actual sexual education. We were told in no uncertain terms that before marriage, sex, sexual curiosity, sexual experimentation, sexual thoughts, and even sexual desires were inherently wrong. As you might imagine, in that ideological ethos, no one can be right. There are zero winners in a system that pathologizes normal, natural sexuality.

In my particular subculture, this viewpoint had a theological backing that also assured us our bodies couldn’t be trusted: “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?” (Jeremiah 17:9)

I am taught this baseline at church from the time I can remember. It wasn’t contextualized or nestled within the genre it was penned. It was just presented as a stark fact undermining absolutely any instinct, desire, sense of self, dream, feeling, perception, ambition, or inner truth. No to intuition. No to what your body knows. No to what your gut is telling you. No to what you want. No to any hunger. No to what feels right. No to what feels wrong. 

No to your deceitful, incurable heart. 

This was drilled in through curriculum, purity pledges, sermons, shame, and belonging (both given and revoked). Weirdly, young married evangelical culture takes a hard left and expects women to become unhindered vixen in the bedroom the minute they say “I do.” Don’t be slutty and have sex! But when you do, be awesome at it! 

This may shock you, but this produced a crop of women who hated their bodies.

We were at constant war with our bodies. What source of authority are we left with when the enemy of goodness and truth beats inside our own chests? When we cannot trust our own instincts, whose do we trust instead? The incandescent rage I feel watching these leaders who assured us we were the problem now decimate the autonomy of women while giving men in power a free sexual pass. Women who cross state lines for a medical abortion? Put her in jail. Men who grab women by the p*ssy against their consent? Put him in the White House. 

I will tell you this: I am finished listening to what a single person in this subculture tells me about my body. I don’t want to hear what they think of sex, agency, reproductive rights, body image, sexual identity, none of it. It turned out to be a self-serving, power-protecting, women-subjugating enterprise with an opt-out for men, and the whole rotten ship can sink. 

Here, grab my hand. Let’s abandon that failing boat and turn our faces to the sun. Wouldn’t it feel good to end the war with our own bodies? We have the right to honor them. As Dr. Hillary McBride taught us, our bodies are not an “it” but a “she” and “her” because they are not simply the container; our bodies are who we are. She experiences desires and perceptions and trustworthy instincts, and these are to be heeded not hated. 

We are literally walking around in a honing device, a lie detector, a lookout on the highest point of the ship. When my brain interferes with overthinking and its bizarre impulse to protect broken systems, my body overrides her immediately. She knows. She tells me the truth. She always tells me the truth. Molly, you in danger, girl. 

It will be the work of our lifetimes to reject the message all these capitalistic, patriarchal systems have conspired to tell us. They have a vested interest in keeping us at war with ourselves. If we hate how we look, they own us. If we hate what we want, they dominate us. If we hate what we crave, they control us. They get to master us with impunity when we hate ourselves; we do their dirty work and make it easy. 

Our bodies are beautiful, truly. Gorgeous inside and out. They are deserving of the good lotions, the good sex, the good words. They should be heeded like the safest, smartest, truest, most knowing source of wisdom possible, because they are. We must stop saying the cruelest things on earth to her. We simply must. Some entire institution wants you to berate her and benefits when you do. She doesn’t deserve that hatred. She isn’t your enemy; she is your best friend. 

Let the ship sink. It was never going to get you to shore, darlings.

To stay in-the-know on my book launch, subscribe to my email list here:

Six Ways Churches Can Be Safe for LGBTQIA+ Folks

Posted on by Jen Hatmaker

Happy, beautiful, wonderful Pride Month! Oh do we ever love our LGBTQIA+ beloveds in this community! You have made this space infinitely better. We celebrate you this month and every month for infinity. 

Lotta words being written this month about Pride, so I thought for some time about what I could add (besides “I LOVE YOOUUUUUUUUUUUU SO MUCH!!!!!!” which while true might not be particularly useful).

I find myself located at the specific intersection of LGBTQIA+ affirmation and the church. What a simple space! What could go wrong?? Zero head-on collisions here (sic). 

So I’m whittling down this writing to a very narrow demo: Tons of the queer community don’t go to church anymore because it has been so reliably unsafe. Also a bunch of churches are definitively uninterested in being allies and have made that clear. So I suppose I am writing to queer folks who still treasure church (or want to) and churches who still treasure queer folks (or want to).

There are tons of ways to make your church safer for the LGBTQIA+ community, but I think these six are a great start, beginning with the lowest common denominator and moving up in rainbows.

1. Please do not make the grave mistake of assuming everyone in the sanctuary is “us” and the gays are “them” somewhere else in the city.

Every word spoken about the community is heard by the gay people already in the room. Oh yes, sirs. The closeted gay adults, the choir director, the quiet gay couples, the “fabulous roommates,” the inwardly tormented, and maybe most importantly, the gay kids trying to figure out if their spiritual leaders love them as they are or think they are doomed to celibacy or damnation.

Church isn’t an insider club for straights where exclusive language and ideas are agreed upon. You have fragile hearts right there on row nine. I will waste no ink debating that condemnation is “loving,” so you can miss me with that nonsense. Your sanctuary is loaded with gay kids and adults, both out and not, and people who love them. Every word is already registering.

2. Please be clear about your theology.

It is actually BETTER to be non-affirming and crystal clear than non-affirming and ambiguous. The “we welcome all” banner tricks gay folks into thinking they are safe, then they find out later they can’t serve, lead, teach, volunteer, oversee, or mentor. My inbox is flooded with people whose hearts were broken by their “welcoming” churches and later barred from active participation because they were queer. 

If gays can’t lead and serve and are considered “in sin” by church policy, then at least let them know up front. This should be abundantly clear on your website under your beliefs. At that point, it is their choice to stay in that environment if they want to. But please do not soft-sell your theology when it is the source of LGBTQIA+ suicidal ideation, self-hatred, self-harm, and internalized shame. Belonging is too powerful to handle carelessly, and pretending a church is safe when it isn’t is not just cruel, it is dangerous. These dear bodies and souls and hearts deserve better.  

3. If your church is in that disruptive season of reexamining your doctrine around sexuality — if the cognitive dissonance is becoming unmanageable — first of all, WELCOME. You are so not alone.

We know more than ever before about sexuality, biology, and — thanks to a wider circle of scholars including women and people of color — theology. You don’t have to find “a work-around” to change your doctrine. Brilliant theologians have gifted us with an affirming hermeneutic that places theology, science, and faithfulness in wonderful alignment. 

Keep reading. Keep talking. Invite as many LGBTQIA+ folks into the conversation as possible. Call other pastors who’ve led their churches toward allyship. Follow leaders who have gone ahead of you. You can protect the queer community or the religious status quo, but not both. Please note: Be ready and willing to suffer disruption over this. You will lose some things, and it is still worth it. As someone who hit that crossroad too, I can promise: You will never regret becoming an ally and making your church safe. You will only regret taking so long to get there. It is stunning on the other side. Doing the right thing feels so right. 

4. This is such an obvious thing to say, but your queer church folk should be everywhere.

They should be on the stage, making announcements, volunteering in the nursery, preaching, leading worship, supervising rowdy teenagers at youth camp (God help them), leading Bible studies, serving on committees, on the board, on your website. Representation matters so much in the church world. 

But LGBTQIA+ people aren’t tokens or photo ops. They are beloved, gifted, ordinary people just like everyone else and our churches are so much the lesser without their investment. Just like the barren days when women were barred from meaningful church leadership, we are operating at half-mast when the only acceptable gift from queer people is their tithe money. The church needs the fullness of who they are. Gay people should get to be sick of leading the church just like the straights!

5. Preach it.

Representation and full inclusion and affirming policies are monumental, but it is the most healing, empowering thing to hear it from the pulpit on Sunday morning. Preach about the scriptures, preach about exegesis, preach about relationships and love and bodies and science and repentance toward the gay community for abusing them. Hand the microphone to your queer members and let them tell the story. This matters for a million reasons, but see #1: Little gay ears are listening. Every word is indeed registering but for good. 

Christians are looking for spiritual language and faithful interpretations to create safety in their own homes, workplaces, and families. By preaching affirming theology, you are equipping your entire little flock to become better allies, safer parents, braver leaders, and smarter collaborators. This is leadership. This is discipleship. This is what it means to build the kingdom of God.

6. Go to them.

You can rightly understand why some queer people wouldn’t dare subject themselves to church; why seek out spiritual abuse? But beloved people made in the image of God still crave their namesake. Take your little church to the Pride Parade. March with your big gay rainbow banner. Wear your “Free Pastor Hugs” and “Free Mom Hugs” shirts and throw your arms around as many bodies as you can. 

Love and support the queer people already in your town. Go to their book signings, restaurants, stores, salons, concerts, plays, bars, shops, parties. Support them with your dollars and presence and endorsements. Brag about their work on social media. Leave stunning reviews. Buy their products. Support their businesses. Love their families. Just be a normal, good neighbor. Your life will be infinitely better for knowing them. Sometimes church looks like a 35% tip and a note to the boss praising good service. 

Put your little rainbow flag outside your church as a talisman of safety so the LGBTQIA+ community will know if they want church, they will not only be welcomed but cherished, honored, and deeply included like they always should have been. I see a safer church for the queer community coming, and what a beauty she will be. 

In the meantime, not that you need to hear this from anyone, but let me say to my LGBTQIA+ sibs: You are just oh so lovely and loved by God and exactly right. At no point was your worth a question mark to the heavens. Are we really going to believe that the same God who gave us mountains and tulips and music and sex didn’t also give us GAY PEOPLE?? Come on now. That is just being obtuse. He went about making this world gorgeous and his handiwork is evident. Thank you for the million ways you have made my life better. I love you so dearly. God loves you so dearly. I want the church to love you so dearly too, and I believe she is on her way. 

Happy Pride, beloveds! 

MORE RESOURCES:

I am honored to share this free webinar with you. I think it will be transformative to you and your family’s journey.

I am joined by iAmClinic founder Isaac Archuleta, LPC (he/they) and we are answering some of the most common questions about raising LGBTQIA+ kiddos.

This webinar is only a small glimpse into my on-demand Me Course: “Parenting LGBTQIA+ Tweens & Teens,” where I am joined by Isaac along with Free Mom Hugs founder Sara Cunningham. You can save 50% with code PRIDE through June 30, 2024 when you register here.

FOR THE LOVE PODCAST: A Moment of Pride: On Being Gay, Christian, and Loved with Sydney Hatmaker

In a profoundly moving encore episode, I am sharing the story of interviewing my beloved daughter, Sydney. This is raw and real, as she vulnerably shares her journey of accepting herself as gay while still holding onto her faith.

This episode has been an incredible force, sparking deep discussions around LGBTQIA+ issues and Christianity in our community.

From mending broken family relationships to causing church leaders to reevaluate their approach, and more,  it is a beautiful reminder that embracing authenticity allows people to flourish.

Listen here.

5 Delightful Summer Mocktail Recipies to Put in Rotation

Posted on by Jen Hatmaker

Where are my summer mocktail people?!

I have an arsenal of summer mocktail recipes I absolutely love to make mocktails with elixirs, sparkling waters, lime, a tajin or salted rim. You know how I roll.

In addition to just “winging” it with my mocktails and flinging a few things into a glass, I’ve been inspired by creating some intentional flavors — heavy on the fruity, citrus, and unbelievably refreshing notes.

And, make no mistake: I DO have a magic ingredient that really takes mocktails to the next mega level: FOCL CBD drops.

Put a dropper-full in your mocktail — and you get a double-down on flavor and chill factor. Not only do you have a dreamy, delicious cocktail, the CBD drops promote calm centeredness and relaxation.

Even better? You can get FOCL CBD drops at 20% off with the code JEN20!

Cheers to all this goodness!

1. Spicy Jalapeño Margarita

You know how much I love spicy — and this marg has it going on.

Ingredients

  • 4 slices of jalapeño
  • 1/2 cup orange juice
  • 1/4 cup lime juice
  • 1 dropper FOCL Daily Calm CBD drops
  • Lime and salt or tajin (if desired)
  • Ice cubes

Instructions

  • Rub a slice of lime around the rim of your glass and dip in salt or tajin
  • Fill your glass with ice
  • Add 4 slices of jalapeño
  • Pour in 1/2 a cup of orange juice and ¼ cup lime juice
  • Add CBD drops

Optional: Top off with sparkling water and/or pomegranate seeds to jazz things up.

2. Watermelon Basil Summer Cooler

Ingredients

  • 2 cups fresh watermelon cubes (seedless)
  • 6-8 fresh basil leaves
  • 1 tablespoon freshly squeezed lime juice
  • 1 tablespoon honey or simple syrup (adjust to taste)
  • 1 dropper FOCL Daily Calm CBD drops
  • Ice cubes
  • Sparkling water or soda water
  • Watermelon wedges and basil leaves for garnish

Instructions

  • In a mixing glass or cocktail shaker, muddle the watermelon cubes and basil leaves until well mashed.
  • Add the lime juice, CBD and honey (or simple syrup) to the shaker.
  • Fill the shaker with ice cubes, close tightly, and shake vigorously for about 15-20 seconds to combine the flavors and chill the ingredients.
  • Strain the mixture into a serving glass filled with fresh ice cubes.
  • Top off the glass with sparkling water or soda water.
  • Stir gently to combine the liquids.
  • Garnish with a small watermelon wedge and a fresh basil leaf.
  • Serve chilled and enjoy!

3. Sparkling Limoncello Mocktail

Ingredients

  • 1 tablespoon Simple Syrup
  • 2 shots Fresh Lemon Juice
  • 3 fl oz Sparkling Water
  • 1 dropper FOCL Daily Calm CBD drops in Citrus
  • Ice
  • 1 sprig of mint for garnish (optional)
  • 1-2 slices lemon for garnish (optional)

Instructions

  • Add Simple Syrup and Lemon Juice to a serving glass. Top with sparkling water and CBD Drops.
  • Add the ice cubes. Stir.
  • Add garnish, serve.

4. Mocktail Mule

Ingredients

Instructions

  • Gently muddle (mash) the mint sprigs in the bottom of the mug using a cocktail muddler or wooden spoon.
  • Add the lime juice, simple syrup and CBD. Stir to combine.
  • Add ice and the ginger beer and stir gently. Garnish with lime and mint.

5. Orange Green Tea Sparkler

Ingredients

Instructions

  • Boil a kettle of water and put the tea bag in a mug. Pour 8 ounces of boiling water over the tea and stir in the honey.
  • Taste and add more honey if you like, but remember you’ll be adding orange juice later.
  • Allow the tea to steep at room temperature until cool.
  • Fill an 8-ounce glass with ice and add 1/2 cup of the tea, the orange juice and an orange wedge. Add CBD Drops.
  • Top up with sparkling water, stir gently, and serve.

******

Remember: FOCL’s premium hemp is grown in the U.S., using organic farming practices. This means all products are made with organic ingredients, have no GMO, pesticides or herbicides, and all products are third-party tested.

Shop FOCL CBD drops and use code JEN20 to save 20%!

Dear 18-Year-Old Jen

Posted on by Jen Hatmaker

Hello, darling. You are so beloved. 

I am writing to you from the year you will turn 50. I know. Impossible. You will never be an old lady half a century old. It is light years away. Honey, it is basically tomorrow, but I’ll leave your fantasy alone for now. I have bigger things to tell you. 

Let’s start with you. One thing I love is your earnestness. You are sincere, hopeful, and idealistic; as doe-eyed a creature that ever lived. Your world is four inches wide, and you believe in it all breathlessly. You mean it. You believe it. Your perception of the world is generous. Now, this will all be tested and challenged and upended eventually, but for now, you believe in people, in their goodness, in their motives. You’re nice. That means something. You are about to move into young adulthood with your arms wide open, and there are worse ways to start. 

Faith is uncomplicated for you right now. Well, mostly. You are growing tiny, tiny seeds of question marks around the exclusion of women in spiritual leadership, but I’ll get to that. There will come a day when you miss this season; when faith was simple and safe. Answers seemed straightforward. The path seemed clear. The formula sounded trustworthy. You don’t know what you don’t know, and you are doing the very best with what you’ve been given. Don’t waste time regretting these years later. Truly, you are making sense of the world with the tools you have. Later, you might be tempted to look back in scorn at this version of your faith, but don’t do it. Allow hindsight to be kind, not contemptuous.

Know this: when you know better, you will do better. You are capable of growth and evolution and change. Don’t be afraid. 

Let’s talk about your body, your lovely, beautiful, young body, the one you hate. Darling, everyone is lying to you. The beauty industry, the magazines, Hollywood; later the “internet” will pile on, but for now, just be grateful it hasn’t been invented yet to document your nonsense. I know you feel huge, how you stand in front of the full length mirror and scrutinize your thighs, your belly, your arms. This isn’t your fault and it isn’t true. Whole industries profit off you hating yourself. You didn’t originate this self-disgust; you’ve been targeted for it. An insidious diet culture will capitalize on this invented standard, and I can tell you with certainty it will never deliver what it promises. Ever. 

May I share something I only learned recently? Your body is not an unfortunate container carrying around your brain. It is entirely, beautifully, wonderfully you. As you as your personality and thoughts. As you as your dreams and emotions. A mentor named Dr. Hillary McBride taught me to call my body “she” and “her,” because she is you, dear one. She is your best friend, your most loyal partner. Look at all she has done already! She is to be loved and only loved. Learn to reject every voice that tells you she is too big, too tall, too soft, too anything. They are all lying. Practice telling yourself and your friends how lovely you all are. Say the words out loud. Give her water and delicious lotions and oh! Sunscreen! Please! Love her like she deserves to be loved, because your precious body will see you through more than you can even imagine. She is not your enemy; she is your fiercest ally. Trust her. Listen to her. Cherish her. Believe her. Protect her. 

You have a largeness inside you have no idea where to place. It is growing. You feel like you might be powerful, or have powerful ideas, or be a part of powerful work. But where? How? Don’t worry. It will all come. But hear this: don’t spend one millisecond tamping down your strength. Not one. Do not conform to the small spaces you’ve been handed. Yes, you will in fact become a wife and mother as expected, but that is not the totality of your work on this earth. When big ideas rise up seemingly out of nowhere, say yes. Step into them all. You’ll do it not just imperfectly but in some cases disastrously, but never mind that. Say yes. Move toward that North Star that shines so brightly in your imagination. You won’t believe how exciting it all becomes. 

Finally, a word on women. You don’t know this yet, because you think you will be an elementary teacher, but you are going to serve and love women your whole life (more of them than you think, but don’t worry about that for now). They will become your best friends, your allies, your compatriots, your mentors. Frankly, they will astonish you. All that will come, but know this: women are not your competitors. They are your sisters. They are the smartest, best people on earth. Believe it or not, we are still fighting for autonomy as I write this, but legislation is no match for this community of women. Reject voices that pit women against each other or reduce you to adversaries. The patriarchy has a vested interest in keeping you rivals; if you fight one another for the only seat at the table, the men will not have to add more seats. Solidarity. Women will carry you through your life in ways that a thousand husbands could never do. They will be among the greatest loves of your life. Serve them fiercely. Protect the community. Defend them endlessly. Represent them sincerely. 

What a life you have ahead of you. You simply won’t believe it. Oh god, it will be so much more painful than you think, so much more beautiful. You will suffer and you will rise; let it all come. Big yes to life, darling. Yes to adventure. Yes to risks. Yes to failures. Yes to love. Yes to tenderness. Yes to fierceness. Yes to everyone is in. Yes to a bigger table. Yes to a more just world. Yes to joy. 

Yes. 

Yes. 

Yes. 

You are more beloved than you can possibly imagine. Everyone is. There is no us and them, only all of us. Isn’t that wonderful? Build a life on that. In fact, dear one, you will. 

Tenderly, with love and only love, 

Me

Flourishing is on the other side

Posted on by Jen Hatmaker

One sunny weird day in remote Canada 10 years ago (what is life?), Bob Goff famously said he quits something every Thursday, and I remember thinking: “I need to go to therapy just to recover from that sentence.”

Bob Goff

I’ve learned something about myself recently: I am far more resilient at alchemizing change when it happens “to” me.

When someone else makes a choice and it affects me — for better or worse — I know exactly how to adjust my sails. When yet another kid moves out and launches, I recalibrate the shrinking household, the relational change, the start of their independence. When my body goes perimenopausal without my permission, I take my ass to a functional doctor and turn every dial my lab work suggests. I have rebuilt far past the capacity I knew, because I had to. 

Somehow, I am the exact opposite when I need to make a change on purpose. My pattern is to stay well past an expiration date. I loathe change that affects other people, and my fixation on loyalty (or is it appearing loyal?) usurps clear data markers that say: “This has run its course.” Against not only my best interests but, frankly, those of my colleagues, I’ve extended the shelf life of numerous partnerships, alliances, and practices simply because I didn’t want to hurt someone’s feelings or forge a hard conversation. 

Early last year, I made some really big business moves which included a great deal of change, but good reader, it took me ONE CALENDAR YEAR of weekly business coaching, sleepless nights, and prayers to my ancestors to work up the courage. The mere idea of being a villain in someone else’s story is paralyzing. Perhaps you can spot the outsized hyperbole in even imagining that basic best practices make me an EVILDOER. My business coach once said: “Jen, this is not a Best Friends Convention. This is business, and you’re acting like you are breaking a blood oath.”

Instead of initiating good and right change, I’ve taken the lesser paths of passive aggressiveness, atrophy, and the slow erosion of progress. I’ve made it harder on other people, the opposite of Brené Brown’s brilliant observation that “clear is kind.” My compulsion to be easy has actually made me difficult. And because two dozen other people touch every molecule in my ecosystem, my aversion to necessary change has ground our work down and, to be honest, made a bunch of folks miserable. 

Ironically, change has taught me that flourishing is generally directly on the other side. Whether change happened to me and I have to adapt, or I’ve chosen change that was necessary, either way, the result is growth. And hell, in most cases, expansion, relief, and hope. If I would read the room correctly, I should actually look forward to choosing change. It has been a reliable first down marker, no matter how challenging those ten yards were to gain. All reluctance has ever netted is a delay in possibility. 

Why do we stay too long? Why do we go too far? There are so many culprits. My preferred batch of reasons have to do with conflict aversion and an outsized perception of how hard/bad/disappointing the change might be for someone else. Apparently it is my life’s work to never be disruptive. This is almost entirely where my change anxiety is located. 

There are other bundles to choose from revolving around fear: of the unknown, of failure, of will this actually work. Change means something is about to be new, which is untested territory. We’ve never been in a different career, single, focused on our health, in a new city, liberated from this toxic environment, honest, sober, relationally healthy, spiritually in alignment. We crave those things but haven’t experienced them, so we’re just not sure they exist as promised. And getting there typically means leaving something or someone or somewhere; a precarious ten yards for sure. 

I just interviewed the poet Joy Sullivan on the podcast (episode out shortly), and through 10 degrees of separation a few months ago, I stumbled on one of the poems she wrote in her upcoming book, Instructions for Traveling West (releases April 9). It was so profound, I screenshot it, saved it on Instagram, saved it to my photo album, and wrote it in my notebook:

Leap

“Nothing my friends tell me shocks me anymore. No wild dream or unadvisable plan or moonshot idea. Recently, my friend told me she wants to move to Wyoming to be closer to horses. She tells me horses can hear your heartbeat from four feet away. That’s enough for me right there. 

Another friend is relocating to Peru. Another to Alaska in search of his true north. Another is adopting a child. Another is turning down a killer job so she can finish the book she’s been trying to write for years. Another is leaving the man of her dreams for a woman. 

Look, America is awful and the earth is too hot and the truth of the matter is we’re all up against the clock. It makes everything simple and urgent: there’s only time to turn toward what you truly love. There’s only time to leap.”

The refusal to change, to make choices toward change, to move in the direction of change, to acknowledge change as a profound source of autonomy only keeps us from truly living. That’s the bottom line. Flourishing is on the other side. We should trust its proven process. Until then, we are delaying not only our own blooming but everyone else trapped in our inertia. Clear is kind — to other people but also to ourselves.

When it is clear that change is necessary, even if something perfectly good has simply run its course — just because something is over doesn’t mean it was bad — then we should bless where we have been, honor it for everything it taught us, thank it for serving its purpose…

…and leap. 

This Counts as Worship, Too

Posted on by Jen Hatmaker

Hello, beloveds. Happy New Life Day.

I don’t know how this Easter finds you…

Maybe it is full of joy and hope, and if so, I am so happy for you. You might be up getting ready for church, with your heart at rest. I have certainly had those years, and what a joy to settle deeply into your faith on this day.

However, some of you maybe aren’t there… for a million reasons. Suffering can knock the wind plumb out of us, as can pain, disconnection, the ordinary failings of the church, trauma, big questions around God or truth. 

Welcome to the normal human experience of people trying to make sense of Jesus. Every generation has wrestled with these things since time immemorial. This is not an anemic faith; this is faithfulness.

Honoring the day of resurrection has nothing to do with being inside a church building anyway; a fancy outfit in a church lobby has never been a litmus test for a seeking, searching heart.

For those of you at home today, finding new life in Jesus in brunch with your family, or in a long spring walk outside, or in music, or in stillness, or in prayer — however prayer looks for you — this counts as worship, too, even ringed with doubt or fury or confusion.

Regardless, however lost or sad or angry or scared you find yourself this year, know that Jesus insists that nothing is too dead for resurrection. And he understands your pain, because he was wounded before he was resurrected; his scars remain.

While I have no interest anymore in religious systems and structures and hierarchies and rigid interpretations, I will never get over Jesus. 

Never. 

He is like coming home.

He is risen indeed.

________________________________

For those of you on a faith journey…

Maybe your relationship with the church has gotten complicated; or some things in your church aren’t sitting right with you; or something major has happened in your life that has been a watershed moment; or your political views; or you’re having trouble answering the hard questions about the BIG issues.

Maybe you just have a million questions about what it all means. 

This is exactly why Evolving Faith’s Sarah Bessey and I teamed up for this Me Course on the deconstruction and reconstruction of faith. We are here to walk you through the wilderness and remind you that it’s not a shameful thing. It’s possible to live out your faith in new, even nontraditional, ways.

Join Now