Thanksgiving by Enneagram Number

So. We gather Thursday.

Enneagramateurs, our thoughts to squash Thursday are as follows.

1’s: I will not reload the dishwasher correctly. There is more than one right way to do things. These jackwagons are clearly doing it WRONG but I will walk away from this tragedy. God, how are we related.

2’s: I will not clear every plate, store the leftovers, clean the kitchen, & put everyone’s babies down for naps by myself. I will just sit here while NO ONE DOES IT, but it’s fine. They will still love me. I have value. I’ll just clear half the plates.

3’s: This meal is not efficient & these people are talking too long about nonsense, & I haven’t gotten one decent pic for IG. “What’s that about your ex-coworker, Aunt Mary? FASCINATING. TELL ME MORE.” My task list has gone to crap & we’ll all just die at this table.

4’s: I will not compare this Thanksgiving to my childhood & conclude that no one here loves or sees me. It isn’t their fault they have no souls. They live in the shallows & can’t comprehend my rich interior life. I will go into my mind palace & sing the new Adele album.

5’s: I strongly dislike everything happening. Why are they all talking. Why are they touching me. No I will not say what I am thankful for. Why are people like this. I will Irish goodbye & go home & watch Yellowstone in bed.

6’s: Which of these jokers will ruin the day? Who will bring up Nancy Pelosi? How long until Brad criticizes the pies again & makes Grandma cry? We won’t have enough food. Thanksgiving is chaos. I hate it here.

7’s: No one is having a better Thanksgiving than us! Omg, EVERYONE is having a better Thanksgiving than us. We are the best & this is the most fun day, except for everyone else having a more fun day. EVERYONE PLAY THE TURKEY BINGO GAME AND STOP BITCHING. Fun!

8’s: I will not bring up immigration. I will not bring up Jared Kushner. “WTF, Michael? Does your shirt say ‘Praise the Lord & pass the ammunition’? Alright, hands up: who here got vaccinated?”

9’s: I will manage these people with soothing tones & a seating chart. I will separate them by voting bloc and/or wokeness. I will create the 1st tension-free Thanksgiving ever.

Holidays are relaxing! Everyone behave!

Enneagram Gift Guide 2022


To all my Enneagramateurs, your gift-giving is now handled. Here’s what to get every number on your list.

Type 1: The Perfectionist

Gifts for cultivating organization and the perfectly imperfect.

This delicious Holiday Gift Box of nut-based rubs is the perfect addition to any savory or sweet dish. FORTHELOVE saves you 15%.

The perfect bamboo Cheese Board set that includes a swivel board for organizing and storing cheese tools.

A beautiful Jewelry Roll for improving the organization of accessories. FORTHELOVE saves you 30%.

Type 2: The Helper

Gifts for supporting self-care and self-love.

This stylish ethical satin set — top and bottoms — is lovely for sleek-comfy leisure wear. FORTHELOVE saves you 30%.

Self Care Box with handcrafted lavender bath bomb, shuga’ scrub, and beeswax candle in this   FORTHELOVE saves you 15%.

Compassion is Badass T-shirt because, well, compassion is badass and 2s know. FORTHELOVE saves you 15%.

Type 3: The Achiever

Gifts for the driven achievers — and overachievers.

My Jen’s Blend spice collab + cookbook for the kitchen achievers to cook all the things. FORTHELOVE saves you 15%.

The 2-in-1 handbag-backpack overachieves in both categories.  FORTHELOVE saves you 30%.

My For The Love coffee has notes of cherry, vanilla, and ganache to kickstart a productive day. FORTHELOVE saves you 10%.

Type 4: The Individualist

Gifts that make them feel understood and that honor their creativity.

This Curated Satellite Necklace is a unique statement that can be personalized. FORTHELOVE saves you 30%.

The unique, handcrafted honeys in this Culinary Gift Box  including Habanero, Creamed, Elderberry, and Rosemary. FORTHELOVE saves you 15%.

This Phone Wallet comes in four different colors and can be personalized and embossed. FORTHELOVE saves you 30%.

Type 5: The Investigator

Gifts to celebrate the pursuit of knowledge and learning.

Me Course e-courses so they can expand their knowledge — including the latest Cooking For the Rest of Us course.

Fierce, Free, and Fire Wagon Coffee to caffeinate all that learning. FORTHELOVE saves you 10%.

Make It Make Sense sweatshirt because they’re always seeking answers to complex problems.

Type 6: The Loyalist

Gifts to soothe, calm, and remind them they’re supported.

Elephant Necklace for your loyal, beloved community. FORTHELOVE saves you 30%.

Handmade Women Are Gold tote to remember connection and community. FORTHELOVE saves you 15%.

Immunity Essential Oils to feel protected and safe. FORTHELOVE saves you 15%.

Type 7: The Enthusiast

Gifts to nurture their adventurous, celebratory spirit.

Confetti water bottle because even drinking water is a cause for celebration. FORTHELOVE saves you 20%.

This chiffon LBD with inclusive sizing is party-ready. FORTHELOVE saves you 30%.

Celebration Candle Set boasts five candles in lots of delicious scents. FORTHELOVE saves you 15%.

Type 8: The Challenger

Gifts that carry impact and purpose.

Love Is The Most Powerful Force For Change in the World for an inspiring message to carry around. FORTHELOVE saves you 20%.

Courage Candle in a grounding fragrance that amplifies confidence with a greater purpose to make a positive impact. FORTHELOVE saves you 15%.

The best denim jacket in the world — ethically made and benefiting women.

Type 9: The Peacemaker

Gifts that create inner peace and bring harmony.

Renew and Revive Gift Set with a grapefruit jasmine candle, hand soap, and room mist to restore and uplift. FORTHELOVE saves you 15%.

Love Thy Neighbor Flour Sack Towel to celebrate peace among everyone. FORTHELOVE saves you 20%.

Hand-sewn aromatherapy eye pillow to provide relaxation and promote wellbeing. FORTHELOVE saves you 15%.


See more of my favorite gifts for 2022 here.