So. We gather Thursday. (With Extra Drama and Side Dishes)
Thanksgiving is upon us, and if you’ve ever wondered how your Enneagram type might sabotage the day, this one’s for you. Whether you’re a compulsive doer, a master avoider, or the chaos enthusiast in the room, here’s what you’ll probably think Thursday as the turkey sizzles and your relatives devolve into their natural habitats. Enneagramateurs, squash. these. thoughts.
Let’s dig in.
Enneagram 1 – The Perfectionist
“I will NOT reload the dishwasher correctly. I will NOT reload the dishwasher correctly…”
But you’re already standing at the sink, aren’t you? Watching plates being stacked in mismatched chaos while Claudia just flings the forks in like a wild animal. Your inner dialogue is screaming, “There’s a SYSTEM, people!” But you are going to let it go, RIGHT? Because this is family, not a dishwasher boot camp. Breathe through it. The pie crust may have a tiny crack, the gravy is slightly lumpy, but you didn’t ask to run Quality Control for this entire meal. (God knows you should.) Repeat after me: “Good enough is good enough. Pass the rolls.”
Enneagram 2 – The Helper
“I will not clear every plate, store all the leftovers, clean the kitchen, and offer to give Uncle Joe a ride home.”
And yet, there you are, standing before the sink with your sleeves rolled up, glaring at the 17 able-bodied people who somehow haven’t even considered scraping their own plates. You tell yourself, “I’m just doing it because it’s easier than asking,” but let’s be real—you’re already thinking about labeling Tupperware for everybody else’s leftovers. This year, maybe just clear half the plates, sit down with a glass of wine, and let the chaos unfold. The love is still there, even if you’re not single-handedly orchestrating this entire operation.
Enneagram 3 – The Achiever
“What even IS this meal plan? Where is the timeline? Do these people understand EFFICIENCY?”
Aunt Mary is telling some long-winded story about her ex-co-worker’s dog-sitter, and you’ve lost all sense of purpose. The mashed potatoes weren’t served on time. The turkey carving took 15 minutes too long. And worst of all? You don’t even have a decent photo for Instagram yet. You could’ve spent this time optimizing your entire meal strategy (and possibly your career trajectory), but instead, you’re here listening to Cousin Bob talk about his fantasy football league. Keep it together, champ. A perfectly posed dessert shot is still on the horizon.
Enneagram 4 – The Individualist
“No one here understands me. Or seasoning.”
Thanksgiving reminds you, once again, that you are not like these people. The stuffing tastes like wet cardboard. The cranberry sauce is store-bought. And don’t even get you started on the folding chairs—where’s the ambiance? You retreat to your mind palace where the playlist is hauntingly beautiful, Adele’s album is playing on repeat, and the turkey is carved into perfect artisanal portions. Pro tip: Find the candles. Light them. Elevate the room’s mood yourself. It’s the closest you’ll get to being seen.
Enneagram 5 – The Investigator
“Why are they all talking at once? Who thought this group activity was a good idea? And NO, I will NOT say what I’m thankful for.”
You’ve maxed out your small talk quota before the appetizers even hit the table, and now Uncle Gary is angling for a group gratitude circle. Hard pass. You’re silently calculating how long you have to endure this social minefield before you can Irish goodbye straight to your Netflix queue. Quick survival tip: Pick a seat near the exit and bring a mystery novel to look busy. If anyone notices, just say it’s about the origins of the turkey industry.
Enneagram 6 – The Loyalist
“Who’s going to ruin this day first? Is it Michael? It’s Michael.”
You’ve already run 47 worst-case scenarios in your head. There won’t be enough stuffing. Grandma might cry if Brad criticizes her pie crust again. Someone definitely brought up politics during appetizers, and now you’re just waiting for the implosion. But here’s the thing: You’ve survived every single chaotic Thanksgiving before this one. Take a breath, sip the cider, and realize that even if everything does fall apart, there’s still pie.
Enneagram 7 – The Enthusiast
“This is the BEST THANKSGIVING EVER! Unless everyone else is having more fun, which is completely possible.”
Your playlist is perfectly curated. You’ve organized a Turkey Bingo game. You’ve planned a post-dinner family charades showdown. And yet, deep down, you’re wondering: What if this isn’t actually the most fun Thanksgiving in the world? What if the neighbors are doing something cooler? Focus on your people, Enthusiast. You’re the energy this group needs, and your turkey hat kills every time. Keep up the chaos.
Enneagram 8 – The Challenger
“I WILL keep my mouth shut. I WILL not comment on Michael’s weird political t-shirt… until he brings it up.”
There’s an internal battle brewing: Stay silent, or start a full-blown dinner table debate. The pie hasn’t even been cut yet, and you’re already mentally drafting rebuttals for any and all incendiary comments. But here’s a thought: What if you didn’t? What if you just grabbed another crescent roll and redirected the conversation toward Cousin Sue’s adorable toddler? Less stress, more carbs. Win-win.
Enneagram 9 – The Peacemaker
“This is fine. Everything’s fine. I am managing this with soothing tones and an aggressive seating chart.”
You’ve strategically placed the talkers far away from the antagonizers. You’ve created a no-politics zone by sheer force of will. Your goal is to engineer peace in a way that no one even notices. But here’s the thing: It’s okay if things get a little messy. You don’t have to be the emotional glue holding everyone together. Sit back, enjoy the food, and let the drama happen—chances are, it’ll all blow over by dessert anyway.
Holidays are so relaxing, aren’t they? Everyone behave, and pass the stuffing!
Enneagram Gift Guide
You know what’s also relaxing? Shopping. Yes, especially holiday shopping. (Said NO ONE, ever. Except maybe our Type 7s who can even make long lines a party… maybe.)
Let’s get real: In addition to being time-consuming, gift shopping is like trying to crack the code to each person’s soul.
This year, I’ve done the hard work (and a little psychoanalyzing) to curate a list of perfect, personality-matched gifts for each Enneagram type on your list. Because what’s better than handing someone a gift that screams “I get you!”?
Get ready to win “Best Gift-Giver Ever.”
SHOP MY ENNEAGRAM GIFT GUIDE